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“To Thine Own Self Be True”

By: Pee Jay

This was not the first trip I had made to south-east Florida. Hell……. since I had been transferred here from California, I was making it every week because the company was rapidly expanding in the region. I didn’t mind the drive from Tampa. It was a few hours but it gave me time to think and I knew it by heart anyway. As usual, the sun was shining and the sky was full of cumulus clouds racing across the blue sky. I drank in the view and savored the moment.

So, what was so different about this trip? I had done this enough that it should be second nature to me by now. Geez, I had to face this… I was turning twenty two and still hadn’t slept with a guy……. or anyone for that matter. Oh, there were plenty that captured my interest but it hadn’t happened for me because I wouldn’t let it happen. How I regret not making a move on Paul in college. I always caught myself staring at him…..and oddly enough…….always caught him staring at me. Oh well, that was then and this is now. I may not have a chance at Paul but surely there was someone out there like him. I had resolved a couple months ago that I was not going to turn twenty two and still be a virgin. I was going to make it happen!

I had long ago admitted to myself that I was gay. Just admitting it was a huge step for me. What am I thinking? I always knew that I was gay….it was the acceptance thing that I had trouble with. Anyway, the next step was going to be a big one. How the heck do I satisfy this pent up desire? This longing I had within me. Sister Jerome had always told us about being true to ones’ self and I never forgot it. I thought that sounded like a good way to be.

But I didn’t want to sleep with just any guy…..I wanted it to be special and that was the problem…..and I was running out of time.

I knew I had nothing to worry about in the looks department. I’d had too many advances from both sexes…..I was a pro now at discharging “difficult” situations. Christ, it was second nature to me! I had studied myself enough in the mirror and I knew I was attractive. I had an athletic frame which helped me out in sports…….I was good but I wasn’t a jock. Yet all those high school and college years of playing sports had given me an athletes’ physique. Running five miles per day didn’t hurt either.

I glanced at the clock in the hotel lobby. It was six in the evening. I had made pretty good time. The anxiety of my thoughts had caused the odometer to reach eighty on a few occasions. Thank God no cops were out there today. I never saw very many on the Florida turnpike anyway. Maybe they left people alone out there since it was a toll road and people had to pay. Oh well… who cares….. doesn’t matter. I made it and I had to face this thing that consumed me.

I don’t mind saying, I was a bit more than apprehensive…..Hell, I was scared. And yet I wanted it so bad it ached inside. I wanted someone to hold and caress. I wanted someone to want me the way I wanted him. How was I going to do this? Where would I find him? Who would he be anyway? Would it be a cheap one-nighter or would he be the one? God I gotta stop thinking about it. It’s consuming my every thought…….eating at me……..maybe I should remain asexual. As unfulfilling as it is, it seems much easier at the moment.

I usually went for a five mile run along the beach front after check-in. Then I would go out for dinner and a couple drinks but tonight I wasn’t in the mood. I just lay on the bed in my hotel room trying to sort this thing out. God, I was a sight to behold. I know for sure I’m gay because I’m acting like a big sissy now. And thinking like one too. I closed my eyes and had a vision. I could see myself standing at the window in the room with my arms around someone. It was a guy. We were in our underwear and we were holding each other.

Oh my God, stop it ya big wuss… I snapped out of my funk……..get off your arse and make it happen I told myself.

It was Friday morning and I had two construction sites to inspect today. I was regional construction manager and it was my job to monitor the progress as well as the contractor’s compliance to the blue prints. I had better get going since one is in Hollywood and the other is in Hialeah and the traffic here is terrible. I’ll be spending most of the day in traffic. I’m just glad the company car is a nice one since I spend so much time in it.

I make a routine visit to the site in Hollywood and everything is on schedule. The quality of the work is pretty good too. I’ll have to remember to give this contractor another bidding opportunity. He’s doing a good job. I finish with the site superintendent and tell him I’m just going to wander around the jobsite for awhile as I leave the field office. Who am I kidding? What I really want is to see if there are any hot guys working on the job. I can get away with staring here since it’s my job to look! Oh dear God, please let there be something to look at……even if all I can do is look.

As I stroll around the site my eyes wander randomly from guy to guy. Maybe I ought to look at the work once in awhile I think to myself. And then bingo it happens…. “Would you just look at that” I tell myself. For Pete sake this guy was an Adonis. What would I do with that if I could? I know damn well I could figure out something.

I feel a bulge in my pants, this can’t be happening…..not at work, not out in plain sight. I clasp my job folder with two hands and hold it in front of me…..what else can I do short of leaving……..and that’s not an option! I’m going to drink in some more of this guy.

He must be every bit of 6’-2” tall. I’m 6’-0” and he’s a bit taller than me. He’s wearing a sleeveless, tight fitting T-shirt and his body is very well defined. And on top of that he is very good looking. “He probably has a girlfriend” I think silently. Just then he stands up and looks my way….. I was busted. “What a dork” I tell myself. Then he smiles at me……I have to leave…….I got caught looking …….no I got caught ogling. How pathetic.

Before I can finish the thought, he starts walking towards me. I can feel the damp in my arm pits, I just hope it isn’t real obvious. I feel a little light headed and disoriented…..I honestly can’t move even if I wanted to…..which I don’t . I have this stupid job folder covering up my pride or should I say my problem.

“My name is Tony” he says as he extends his hand with a smile. I reach for his hand and offer “hi I’m Andrew, my friends call me Drew”.

As I begin to grip his hand I realize I’m getting a bad grip….sorta off center or something…… I adjust my grip and shake his hand with the correct firmness. If I had stopped ogling I would have been able to look at his hand and get it right the first time. And why did I tell him my friends call me Drew…….that was lame. This isn’t going well. I’m sure it’s written all over my face. Why am I having trouble with this…….this brush off and denial stuff is second nature to me right?

He closes his beautiful smile masking his white teeth and says “your probably wondering why that was done that way aren’t you”? I respond with a “yes” ….having no clue as to what he’s referring to. He doesn’t know it but he has this aura around him and I can feel it. Lord, how I would like to get inside it too.

There’s very few times that I recall having this “swooning” feeling before. Usually it’s when I’m walking through the airport, at the mall or something like that. And it’s always over pretty quick. But this time I’m forced to deal with it. Oh well, here goes ……

“The problem” he begins “is with this grade-beam over here” as he turns and points to it. Tony places his hand on the back of my shoulder to escort me over to where he was working.

My shoulder does an involuntary twitch. “Oh sorry” he says.

“It’s ok” I reply “it’s so hot today” I said. Geez, if he only knew the half of it.

“Why don’t you take off your tie and loosen your collar” he says. “There’s no one from the office here”.

“Ya, your right, and it’s humid today” I agree and so I do. Maybe that will help me breathe easier. I have to compose myself, this is business and not the beginning of some slow dance I tell myself.

Then it dawns on me……He thinks I noticed a flaw in the construction. And he’s going to explain it to me….maybe I’ve saved face here…..just maybe. As I follow him I can’t help but notice every aspect of him. His dirty blond hair bleached by the sun, his tan skin, how perfectly his jeans fit. The well defined muscles that are just right and not too big. And those eyes…….yes those eyes……how they grip and hold my attention.

After his explanation, I agree with him and accept the alteration. I would accept anything from him for Christ sake. He smiles again and asks if I’m from around here.

“No” I say, “I’m living in the Tampa Bay area at the moment”. I can’t help myself, he’s so darn sexy. I can’t even converse with him I’m so nervous. Good Lord, I must get a grip. All I can think about is him with no clothes on.

“So I guess you’ll be returning home for the weekend then”? he asks.

“No” I reply again. “I have one more site to visit today then I plan to stay till Sunday afternoon”.

I pause for a breath before I continue “I thought I would mess around in Ft. Lauderdale and just hang out. My hotel is on the beach so I planned to spend some time there too”.

“Nice” he says “would you like to hang out tonight…..I can show you around a little if you like” he says. For Christ sake this can’t be happening. How could I just hang out with him? I’m so tensed up inside, my gut is wrenching and I can’t take a decent breath because of the lump in my throat. I guess little short ones will have to do for now. Of course I wanna hang out with him. How the heck can I do this without appearing overly eager? I feel so drained. Ok I tell myself, make those butterflies line up and get on with this. After all, this isn’t a date or anything it’s just hanging out.

“Okay, sounds good” I finally manage to get it out. Geez, that didn’t sound very enthusiastic. “I’m looking forward to it” I add, trying to be a little more upbeat. Geez, that was sappy you dork….I tell myself.

I fumble for my wallet to give him a business card so he has all my information. “Here” I say as I hand him the card. “That’s so you know who to ask for when you phone the hotel”. “I should be back there by six at the latest”. Since I work out of the house, he really does have all my information. I can only hope that there’s a reason for him to use it.

“Okay, well I have to get moving I still have a lot of ground to cover today” I say as I nervously extend my hand.

\He reaches for it and our eyes lock. I may as well just lose it now. I’m a basket case and I’m sure he has me figured out. God, I really am a dork! Who would want to hang out with a dork like me? I answer my own question with….Mr. Perfect that’s who!

“See ya later” I offer and he replies “see ya” as I turn and head for the car. If I can just make it to the car I’ll be safe. I’ll have pulled it off.

As I drove away I placed the hand that he just shook inside my shirt and moved it up and down my stomach and chest… though it were Tony doing it…….it got me hot and bothered and felt good. I wanted it to be six right now so I could see him again.

The rest of the day was uneventful thank God. All I could do was visualize him …. his face, his eyes, his body, his aura. I wondered if this could be the one. And if he was …..well you know….inclined that way; would he be able to bring himself to do it with me? He can have anybody he wants, what makes me think I could have him. I’ll have to play it cool….not get my hopes up. He’s probably just a nice guy with nothing better to do. I’m sure that’s it and nothing more…..but one can hope! I would definitely do it with him if it came down to that.

I finished my run and was just drying off after a shower when the phone rang. I looked at the clock radio on the desk. It was 6:15. I tensed up as I realized that it was probably Tony. The office was closed now so it couldn’t be the boss or anyone from work.

I felt my heart begin to beat faster as I lifted the receiver and said “hello”. “Hey Drew it’s Tony” the voice on the other end said. I can’t believe he actually followed through with the whole thing. I purposely left it up to him just in case he changed his mind or came across a better proposition. I’m sure someone like him had a lot of options.

“Are you ready to go”? he asked.

“Yah almost just a couple more minutes and I’m good to go” I said.

“Where do you want to meet” I asked.

“I’m in the hotel lobby now. I’m using the house phone” he said.

Gulp, I didn’t expect that. Here I am still in my birthday suit. “Okay” I said. “I’ll be right down….see ya in a minute”



This can’t be for real. Here I’m acting like I’m going on our first date and as far as he’s concerned we’re just hanging out. Why am I doing this to myself I wonder. And yet I can’t help but think………..

I selected a pair of baggy shorts and a polo shirt that hangs well below my waist just in case I have a problem again. It should look just fine with a pair of leather deck shoes. I pass the brush through my hair and shake my head a bit so it doesn’t look to perfect. How the heck can it……..he’s the perfect one for Christ sake.

I pan the lobby as I exit the elevator and see him looking at a magazine. I pause for a minute to absorb more of him. Damn he’s sexy. He’s wearing almost the same thing I am except he has sandals on his feet. Even his feet look sexy, go figure. As I approach him he looks up and smiles. I almost melt but somehow manage to keep my outward appearance steadfast. I return his smile.

“Well Drew, do you have anything in particular you would like to do” he asks.

“I would like to eat first. I don’t like eating too late if you don’t mind” I said.

“Me either” he says “how does Mexican sound”?

“That would be great”. “Do you know or have a place in mind” I asked.

“I know a nice spot….they have a terrace dining area with a view of the water” he said. “It’s not far from here.”

“Sounds good, I’m buying since I can put it on my expenses okay”? I said.

“Deal” he replied as he leapt to his feet.

If this wasn’t a first date, it was sure feeling like one now. And I liked the feeling. I wanted to touch him so bad. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. I wanted to feel his cheek. I wanted intimacy. Lord I’m having a problem again.

As we walked down the sidewalk I noticed we were almost the same height. I guess I thought he was taller because he is so awesome. I guessed him at the same age as me…..don’t ask me why I just did. It would feel very natural right now to hold his hand or put my arm around him. He had an easy, almost gregarious, gait that seemed to fit his demeanor to a tee.

I was first to initiate conversation.

“So is your girlfriend busy or working tonight” I asked him. For Christ sake I think to myself….why did I say that?

“Nope, I don’t have a girlfriend” he replied.

“How about you” he asked.

“Me either” I replied. “Since I was transferred here six months ago I haven’t developed much of a social life” I said.

I thought I had a pretty good excuse being new and everything to Florida. I wondered what his excuse would be but I resolved not to push it. He chose not to expand on the topic so I let it go.

“Are you from the area” I asked him.

“Originally I’m from Michigan” he said “I moved here with my parents when I was 18, that was shortly after my dad retired. They thought I was still too young to be on my own so they brought me along.” “And I’m glad they did.” “I like it here”.

I’m certainly glad they brought him along too…..even if nothing ever came of this….at least I would have this to appreciate.

“Well here we are” he said.

“Geez I didn’t even notice us coming up on the place” I said.

He led us to a table on the terrace with no one else around it. I liked that. We took our seats and I leaned against the back support and stretched my legs out. The table was café style, meaning not real big and the chairs were proportional. As I stretched my legs I brushed against his and had a rush of I don’t know what. I never felt that sensation before. He just took a short, deep inhale….I heard it. I left my leg there for just a second too long before I pulled it back. He didn’t flinch at all. I could feel my face as it flushed up. That was the most erotic moment I ever had. He had a cute smirk on his face as we looked each other in the eyes. Something tells me this is gonna go the way I want it to. I’m scared to death.

Someone please say something I think to myself. Except I have no idea what to say I’m so embarrassed …. and excited. Good lord I have never felt more like such a dork in my life. I think it would be easier to just die now and the hell with all this. I can’t wait to escape back to the room and put this behind me. What the sam heck was I thinking?

Tony was first to break the silence “what are you going to order” he asked.

That snapped me back to the reality of the moment “uh I’m not sure” I said. I thought to myself…..probably something gay… probably something dorky. Haha as I laugh at myself.

“I guess I’ll have a Margarita first while I figure it out. How about you”? I ask.

“I was going to have a beer but a Margarita sounds better, I’ll go with that” he said

He waived the waitress over since my back was to the action and placed our order. The waitress said hello to him after she took the order and asked how he was. He responded “good thanks”and she turned to walk away. I wasn’t surprised she talked to him. As good as he looks anyone would want to talk to him.

“I’m going to find something on the menu” I said as I picked it up.

We both raised our menu’s and started reading. I’m just going to get an enchilada or something I think silently. My stomach is so uneasy I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat anyway. I’m feeling a little better now though…..must be the Margarita……I think I’ll order another one with the meal.

“I think I’m going to get the enchilada plate” I said.

“Oh, you’ll like that” he replied. “It’s one of my favorites here.”

“You feel like going out on the beach after we eat?” I asked.

“Yah, we can walk off the meal and the alcohol” he said.

We sat there and talked as we waited for the food. I could do this a lot if it were up to me. I really enjoyed his company. He was calm and self assured with an easy going manner. And oh so nice to look at! The more we talked the more relaxed I became. I was perfectly at ease, and for now, I had a serene feeling and no matter what happened I would do all I could to see him again. I felt good. My thoughts went back to the leg incident. I thought how nice it would be if we were together. I could touch him and feel him anytime I wanted. I can’t help myself I wanted to touch him again. I knew at that moment that I would. Damn it, there’s that problem again.

I made it through dinner and I felt good. He had a way of allaying my anxiety and I was able to finish most of my plate. The two Margarita’s helped too. We crossed the street to the beach and began to walk parallel to the surf. I walked next to him just absorbing everything that was him…….the little mannerisms and nuances that defined him and made him who he was. The conversation was easy and we discussed a lot of things about ourselves. I thought that was a good thing knowing what I had in mind. After awhile we came to a bench and he suggested that we sit down. I’m not sure how far we walked but it was a good distance.

I was the first to take a seat and he sat down right next to me. The bench was large enough to accommodate at least four people so I was a little on edge. At this point I didn’t care. I wanted it to happen with him. I thought that if he didn’t have something similar in mind we certainly would not have done and talked about a lot of the things that we already had. Yet I had an air of apprehension just below the surface.

It had cooled off a lot and turned into a pleasant evening. A cool breeze was coming off the ocean and I noticed it tossing his hair. I couldn’t help but think…..does this guy ever have a time when he’s not hot……I mean beautiful? I began to feel uneasy so I thought I should say something.

“So do you live far from here”? I asked.

“No” he said “just a few minutes away……I come here often”. “In fact I walked here tonight because I like walking on the beach” he said.

He relaxed his leg and it rested against mine. My pulse spiked and my mind went into a frenzy. I wasn’t sure what my stomach was doing. I was one big knot. I thought of getting up and running but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or what. I felt so tired from the events of the day. These self-imposed emotional peaks and troughs were wearing on me. I just sat there….that was all I could do.

It seemed like forever until Tony broke the silence.

“Do you want me to move it?” he asked.

Without hesitation I said “No”. That was all I could manage for now. I kept looking at the sand a few feet in front of us. He remained quiet too. I wanted to touch him earlier and now his leg was saying go ahead.

I raised my head and turned to look at him as I said “I like it” with a smile. There I did it! I had to tell him how I felt…..otherwise, how would he know? That made me feel so light. That was better than going to confession…….I felt relieved.

He took a quick glance around to see if anyone on the beach was looking. There was no one in close proximity to us. He flashed that beautiful smile and leaned in a little bit. This is it I thought to myself. Before he could do anything, I moved my lips to his and kissed him. Not a long or short one……..just a kiss. As I pulled back I looked into his eyes and waited for some kind of reaction. He smiled and said “it’s going to be okay.” I knew then that he was going to be the one. How had I gotten so lucky?

My heart was still pounding but it was from excitement this time. Damn, he tasted as good as he looked. He took my hand and held it. I was inside that aura of his now and I liked it. We just sat there and I felt like I was on top of the world.

After a short while he broke the silence “I had seen you visit the job for a couple weeks now” he said. “But I wasn’t sure if I would say anything to you.” And he went quiet for a few moments.

I felt a little awkward that he had noticed me before and I had only taken notice of him today. How could I have missed him for two weeks I wondered. So what I told myself, I’m here now and that’s exactly what I wanted. I just hope he’s thinking the same thing. As I held his hand I felt my problem rising again.

I looked at him again and he was already fixed on me. We both had a laugh. We both knew. I was entranced just looking at him. He smiled and nodded for me to look down. When I did I noticed my problem was obvious. I looked down at him and he had a similar situation. I felt so alive. I knew we had go somewhere. This is it. It’s definitely going to be him!

He tugged at my hand as he stood up and I followed him to my feet. We began walking down the beach away from the hotel and restaurant. I knew we were heading for his place. I was glad for that. Somehow a hotel room seemed so cold and impersonal. I was ready for anything and still a little scared; but I was going to do this. I wanted to do this! I just couldn’t believe that it was going to be with him. I don’t think I could have had it any better.

We talked as we walked. I told him about my lack of experience. He just smiled and said he had the feeling that it might be and that everything was going to be okay. I believed him. I told him how awesome he was and he returned the compliment. Wow, he thought I was awesome too! I can’t help but thinking even hoping that this might lead to something. In any case I was with Mr. Perfect right now and that’s all that mattered.

He unlocked the door and I followed him into the kitchen and he got two waters out of the frig and put them on the counter. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair a couple times………I wanted him so bad I couldn’t stand it. He put his arms around my waist and moved in for the kill. His lips were so pleasing I didn’t want it to stop. I ran my hands over just about every part of him. He hugged me securely with one arm as he explored me with the other. I felt like I was going to let go right then and there. He led me by the hand to the bedroom.

We did everything to each other. I had waited so long and it was so much more than I could have imagined. I didn’t want this to end. I just couldn’t get enough of him. I let him do anything he wanted and I loved every minute of it. And I know he did too. It was quite obvious.

We were exhausted. The moon light lit the room as I lay next to him with one arm on his chest as I moved it across his chest and nipples. I never felt anything that perfect before. Hell, the whole thing felt perfect. I just stared into his eyes as we lay there not saying anything. I hadn’t a care in the world at this moment.

“Will we be able to see each other again” I asked. Damn it, there I go with my dorkiness again…..but I had to know.

He said “you don’t have a choice you’re going to have a hard time getting away from me.”

He smiled and pulled my head on to his shoulder so our heads were touching. I loved the smell and warmth of him. His lips were inches away. He kissed me and said “let’s get some rest.”

“Okay” I said as I closed my eyes. “And just so you know…….I don’t want to get away from you.”




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