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love or something like it



Chris didn’t left me or went to his work for two days. When dad called at night, he told them I had a fever and taking rest. And do not worry for me because he is with me and taking good care of me. John spent the day with us and the second day he came with Daniel. Daniel was with us about two hours and talking with Chris. Then he left us but John stayed. At night Chris was saying about us, Harry, our future and I don’t remember what else.

The pain and swelling had eased second day but Chris was afraid. The sting I had when I was walking had gone. Chris was afraid to touch me because he told it cause me pain but stick to his body. I told him his warmth would heal me soon. Third day I made him go to the library and do his work but he was back within two hours because he told had couldn’t concentrate. That night I forced him to have sex. He was terrified it would hurt me more but I said I want it tonight or he can forget me forever. We did it not our latest style but as earlier style. Chris told he can wait for couple of years and made me promise I wouldn’t make him.

That week I received Luke’s letter. Chris was not there with me when the postman arrived. He was out to meet some old family. Luke was happy I explained my feelings for him and was in competition with me. He had written six foolscaps full! He remembered our old days when we were together and how I had followed him everywhere. He had written that I will understand Frank and him when I will grow at least eighteen. He said he didn’t love Frank as he loves me and what’s going between them is called with another name and he would tell me when we will together at Christmas. But don’t worry – he wrote – that wouldn’t interfere with us! He had asked about Chris and I felt the slight jealousy he having there.

I hide the letter with the early one. I told Chris about Luke’s letter but didn’t show him or tell the details he had written. Only what he had written about our family in Pondicherry. I said we are like Harry and he and he laughed. I told him Luke is my big brother and he is the only one I got because Frank and I are born enemies. That night he confessed that once he had an affair with one of his younger cousin and they had sex. I told we didn’t have an affair but only brothers. And I not worried about his cousin because it was past. But I didn’t tell him about the crush between Luke and me. It is our little secret.

Our days passed happily and excitedly. My parents and sister had arrived on Sunday morning and aunt and grandma at evening. Both were brought present for Chris and me. They asked us about the fever I had and Chris said it was just a fever because of the rain. School opened Monday after the holidays, so I spent my evenings with grandma and after with Chris.

Emily was in cloud nine because she had met a boy at the old man’s funeral in Bombay. His name is Kevin and lived in London. He is one of the relative of the dead old man and came with his family for the funeral. Emily and Kevin fell in love at the first sight. He is twenty two and helping his father in their family firm in England. Mom and dad didn’t know about Kevin so, Emily told me not tell them. Emily said he returned to London but take our address so he can write her. She promised me to show his letter. I was thrilled because I can see now another love letter other than Luke’s. I didn’t tell her about Luke and me because she wouldn’t understand.

John science exhibition came and gone. He won the first price for his presentation. He had created an ideal village he wants to live in. John had arranged a little party for four of us and he thanked Chris for his help. He also thanked Daniel for his moral support. I was excluded from the thanks.

I had written Luke and remembered him about their visiting us at Christmas and was waiting for his reply. It was middle week of September. Monsoon hadn’t stopped because we get monsoon here for end of November. Then one day John was absent from school and nobody in our class knows what happened. He was well when we walked to home last evening and parted and didn’t say he was going anywhere. I was worried and after lunch I went to meet Daniel if he would know.

Daniel was also absent and I was worried more now for John and Daniel. I waited for last bell to ring and was out from the class at first sound. I told mom I was going to John’s and ran to his house. When I was half distance from his house I met John and Daniel walking in front of me. I called them to stop and ran to them.

“Where were you two and why didn’t you two come school today? What happened?” I asked in one breath then looked at their face.

Their face was saddened and it seems John was crying whole day. Daniel smiled sadly...

“John… why are you crying..?” I asked anxiously.

“I am leaving him.” Daniel said softly.

“What..? When…?” I was shocked.

“He is going Sweden.” Now John had some fuel. “His cousin invited him. So he is going.”

“It’s not like that.” Daniel said sorrowfully. “I had written him about my plans. I know John told you about this.” He had a knowing look. I nodded.

“He has arranged everything for me because I can continue my study there. He knows about me and John and said me we can't have a future here. After completing my senior secondary here I can join college there and he will arrange some job for me after college hours. So, when John will join me there I have some money for us. I didn’t tell my parents about this but only him. He was crying mad and throwing things at me and saying I’m leaving him for good. I told him that not so but didn’t understand. Now, tell me what I will do? If I continue here with him what’s the future for us here? It’s only for three years and then we will be together and I will come here for vacation. But…. You tell me..?”

He was looking me hopefully.

So, this is the reason both were absent today.

“He tried to run away today…” Daniel was saying. “He said his mom he had a stomach ache and can't go school. They believed him and when they are going office told me inform his teacher. But I knew what’s upsetting his stomach and stay at home. When we are alone I went to him and he was packing his things.” He laughed miserably. His eyes were filled.

“John...” I called him with a firm sound. He looked at me as a convict looking.

“Look….” I said. “You were happy when you told me about Daniel’s plan for the future and you are proud of him. But what happened to you now because they are coming true?”


“Here is nothing for you or Daniel.” I was a philosopher. “There you can lead a better life and no one will show a finger at you. You can join him there when you complete your high school here. Till then you can't tell anybody about you and Daniel. It’s for your good.”

He was listening like an eager child. I continued,

“And for the years, you can spend your vacations together. Daniel promised you that. Also the short parting deepens love...”

Daniel smiled shyly. Johns face had a little smile too. I took a deep breath.

“Thanks…” Daniel said softly to me.

“Welcome…” I smiled.

“How’s Chris?” Daniel asked teasingly.

“Fine as ever…” I blushed.

We were silent then and walked slowly.

“Josh… “John called me suddenly. “Thanks… I was foolish to think he is leaving me forever.”

Daniel patted over his shoulder, “never...” he said.

I had to leave them and I walked slowly to home.

I told about John and Daniel to Chris. He was silent for some moments and sighed. I knew we both were thinking about our oncoming separation.

“You will behave well when I’m going.” Chris advised softly. “As you told to John and only think about our future together. Okay…”

“I will…” I promised.

That day Emily showed me Kevin’s. I didn’t read the letter and told Emily that it is fine she showed the letter but it is finest to not read any other ones letter especially then if it is a love letter for someone. She blushed first time in front of me and hugged.

That week I had one love letter for myself and it was from Luke. We each knew what was going between us but we didn’t tell each another openly. But we could read between the lines. We were waiting eagerly for Christmas.

John was in his earlier period after his shattering and was in best moods. He and Daniel was together whole the time if it was in school or out. But nobody doubts them because they behaved like friends when they are with others. But with me they are shameless and always were kissing, hugging, patting etc…

Me and Chris was spending our days happily. He was busier with his research and sometimes for days we didn’t met. He was going to distant places to meet people and would go early and come late. And I was sleeping when he was home. But he invented times for we had a little chat and nothing more. For Sunday we had our time and we had sex violently then. It was true that the distance deepens love. Till now he didn’t broke his promise about the hurting. We didn’t do that way from the day he took my virginity. He told me that can wait for couple of years.

The end of November aunt said me they are going Calcutta for Christmas. They can't go Canada because Chris didn’t want to go. He asked his dad to come here for Christmas but he said no. he had some urgent work to do and Harry is going to the camp and also his sisters. Chris was angry and he told aunt she can arrange for Christmas. So she settled it for Calcutta and for ten days. Chris was sad for this but he couldn't do anything. Because he asked her and now he was trapped.

I told him he must go because I would get some experience. He was mad at me and we didn’t speak for two days. Then he came to me and said what I want for Christmas. I told him what he would like, I would like it too. We didn’t have different likes because we are one soul. He didn’t speak but crushed me in his arms.

Luke was called and said they are coming for Christmas. I was happy because the long waited time had come. I told Chris my big brother is coming for Christmas and he said jokingly don’t forget him because of my big brother. I told him forgetting him is impossible if I’m dead and in my grave and ran from his arms because Emily was coming to us.

Two weeks before Christmas grandma called from Pondicherry and told dad she wants her children and grandchildren together with her for Christmas because it was the first Christmas after grandpa’s death. Dad agreed and declared the news to us. My heart sank because I was looking for the Christmas here with Luke. Now we are going to grandmas and Luke would be with Frank and their nights would repeat. I could see their act in front of me.

Dad arranged for our journey and mom and Emily made cake and other things for grandma. Our total family would be there for Christmas and it’s going to be a family reunion and I hate the crowds and cursed god himself. Now I would be alone without Chris or Luke.

Chris was going two days before of us and I spent the night with him. We were talking to each other and had sex four times that night. We were exhausted the next morning when we wake because we had slept late. We went to the railway station with them and I cried when the train left with carrying them. Next day we packed and start our journey to Pondicherry. I slept whole the time through the journey and was sleeping when the train reached Pondicherry.

Dad had informed uncle about the time our train reaching the station and he told someone will wait there for us. Luke had called me and said he would be late for two days but his other family would be there. He told me I should wait for him two days because he wouldn’t be there when we reach. I said okay but you would be with Frank and he laughed.

But when we reached Luke was there waiting for us. He had come yesterday and came to receive us. I was angry and shocked to see him and pushed him away when he tried to hug me. He just laughed and announced he wants to see this and so he lied to me about his late coming. I stayed away from him and didn’t talk to him when he tried.

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