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reclaiming austin

Chapter Four

I really don't know how to describe the next few weeks, if our
crazy weekend hadn't been wild enough to drive me over the edge; His
nightly phone calls and our primitive web viewing computer sex were more
than enough.  Every night about 11:30 I'd get a call from a very happy and
seductive Austin...  That boy was all about games, some I liked such as his
"Domination" game.  He'd learned the first night to keep things from
getting campy by avoiding the whole "Daddy" thing.  I never once heard him
mention `calling him daddy' after our weekend.  Other games I wasn't so hip
to, such as the night he left a web address for me and what I saw was him
boning his girlfriend... I got his implication and the message even though
I doubt he realized why he was sending me those images...

The computer became a vital element of my `sex' life.  Even though
the images being transmitted over the web back in 96 were primitive by
today's standards, back then it was the hottest thing I'd ever seen.  He'd
call me then ask me to turn on my computer and go to a certain web
page... I'd see him in his bedroom naked and stroking... I can't begin to
describe to you how intoxicating it was having a str8 boy strip and perform
at my whim... Sort of.  I actually got him to do a few things I couldn't
believe he agreed to do.  First, I talked him into buying a cock strap on
line.  I had no idea that it arrived the day he got it as he hadn't said
anything, but the way he was falling over himself trying to take his
clothes off I began to suspect something.  Man it was hot... that little
lift and extra snugness really made him show.  He actually hit himself on
the chin that time when he came.  I tried to get him to taste it... He gave
me a funny look and used his towel to wipe it off, apparently he wasn't
anywhere near ready for that yet though.

A few weeks after the cock strap arrived, I got him to start
fingering his hole... not very far, but the fact that I got him to do it at
all encouraged me.  Though; as I told myself, he seemed ready to do a lot
of things most `straight' guys wouldn't, like kissing.  There were also
activities that he wouldn't even talk about, like being the active partner
in anal sex... I didn't get it really, but the point was, I was falling
more and more for my baseball player.

The times I got him to dress up in his baseball uniform first?
MAN!!!!! I still have several disks of those pictures.  It got to the point
where we were spending hours on the phone and computer every night... I was
dying at work, from lack of sleep and he'd begun to miss classes.  Then
their was the first month's phone bill, Fuck'n Aye!!!  I expressed my
concern to him and asked when he'd be back this way next.  He yammered some
list of excuses which I ignored, I was mad that he felt he could dismiss me
so easily.

Several weeks after we'd begun our `cyber dating' I told him I was
going to be gone on the upcoming Friday and Saturday night since Phil was
throwing a party.  I could hear his pout 130 miles away.  I wanted to point
out that not only did we both have lives, but he also had a girlfriend whom
he saw and banged before connecting with me every night.  I did; however,
mention that we both had to attend the occasional social activities to keep
ourselves free from suspicion...  I also pointed out that while the phone
and computer were awesome fun, I was getting no genuine social contact
outside of work. And that he at least had a girl friend.  Grudgingly Austin
acquiesced and mumbled a, "Yeeeah, alright..."

      In order to make him feel better about going two whole days without
me, I asked him what I could do to make him feel better.  The sound of
pouting was quickly replaced by a mischievous grin and chuckle.  He told me
to go to the computer and turn it on.  When I did I found him wearing only
a jock strap and stroking himself beneath it.  We played our usual game of
phone sex but this time Austin beat off right into the jock.

Austin then typed me this message after he cleaned himself up with
the jockstrap:

"Dude, I want you to wear this all weekend, oh, and no washing it
first.  I also want you to go out and buy your own web cam so that I can
check on you."

I was kind of freaked for a minute; I knew he had a kinky side,
which was clear enough. I even figured this whole thing with me could be
nothing more than him experimenting with a different side of himself... But
this was so... so... gross.  Obviously though, there was no question but
that I would do it.

The evolution of our relationship was beginning to puzzle me, I
mean; you might do this kind of thing with a boy or girl friend, But... in
reality I was little more then a trick that was becoming a friend.  When I
saw his face beaming on my screen though, I was his.

His `package' arrived on Friday, and I found it when I came home
from work...  I had a zillion reservations but I went and showered and then
put it on.  Two things became immediately apparent, the first was that it
was very crusty; the second was that it was WAY too large for me... I was a
28 waist and these were 36's... I finally went and took my emergency sewing
kit and sewed about 6 inches of the band in an overlap.  It didn't look
like a great job, but it held.

I ate some supper and while I was getting ready, I realized that I
was hard... And it was driving me crazy thinking about these dirty

I got to the party early and almost as soon as I'd gotten there
people started coming up to me and chastising me for not being around more.
I made up some lame excuses but everyone knew they were lame excuses... So
I didn't get off the hook with the more persistent ones.  After some
alcohol consumption Cynthia started to maneuver around trying to get a
bunch of us to go out to the camp fire to play guitars and sing.  Phil,
Joe, Darren and I played guitar and while a lot of the crowd sang some of
the songs, Darren, Phil and I were the ones everyone else looked to, to
carry the song.

I went out to my car to get my acoustic guitar and brought it in
while Joe went and retrieved his amplifier and the extension cord so he
could play his electric.  Phil brought out his acoustics and his Spanish
guitar which he'd been learning on.  Phil was a seriously talented player.
After the tuning and a few chords were played, Phil and I started to play
our acoustic version of Collective Soul's `SHINE'.  Songs by the Indigo
Girls, Peter Murphy, and Tori Amos followed.  When Phil got up to get a
drink I let Darren and Joe do a couple of their songs which I just sang
along to.  Darren was really good but had a different style than the laid
back playing of Phil and me, he was more heavy metal hard rock.  When Phil
came back out I was shocked to see that marching alongside him grinning
like a kid on Christmas morning was Austin... I was stunned, thrilled,
shocked and confused simultaneously, I started to jump up to go to him but
his eyes quickly flashed me a warning.  I was gutted, not knowing what else
to do I just started strumming and landed up going into an old song by
Fleetwood Mac called `Go your own way':

"Loving you Isn't the right thing to do How can I Ever change things that I

If I could Maybe I'd give you my world How can I When you won't take it
from me

You can go your own way Go your own way You can call it Another lonely day
You can go your own way Go your own way

Tell me why Everything's turned around Packing up Shacking up's all you
wanna do

If I could Baby I'd give you my world Open up Everything's waiting for you

You can go your own way Go your own way You can call it Another lonely day
You can go your own way Go your own way"

I sang with my eyes closed generally unless I was watching Phil or
someone for cues. So as I finished singing the song, I was surprised to
feel a firm hand closing on my shoulders from behind me.  I guess the
nature of the song had spoken volumes of what I was feeling at that time. I
was mostly confident though, that no one aside from Austin had caught on to
any of it.

When I finished everyone was watching me and I got a few claps and
a lot of nods of appreciation.  It may have been 1996, but this crowed
loved the classics as much as the industrial, heavy metal, and almost every
other type of music we all listened to.  As Phil came back to play another
set I got up to go get a drink.  Austin followed me with all the stealth of
a horny caribou.

"If that song didn't hurt so much I'd..." He paused and thought
about his next words, He started to say something then shook his head
finally and said, "It's amazing how much you can say without ...talking."

I looked at him blankly as we approached the house.

"Not that I'm not really happy to see you, but I thought you
weren't coming?  What changed your mind?" I asked him.

      He held the door open for me as I got to the sliding glass doors then
slipped inside to follow me to the kitchen.  When he saw no one was around
he pushed me up against the fridge and gave me a quick but deeply
passionate kiss.  I melted inside and began to wrap myself around him, He
grabbed my hands gently and broke the kiss as he stopped and stepped
back. Austin looked me in the eyes and said, "You, you changed my mind... I
can hear (the pain) in your voice even when you try to hide it... and it's
killing me. I hate hearing you like that."

I choked up and wanted to both hold him close to me and run away as
fast and as far as I could.  He continued, "I appreciate all the stuff
you've been doing, you are so totally amazing and..."

I stiffened up and turned to get a beer so he couldn't see me
suppressing my tears... It was obvious and I knew he knew... But I couldn't
manipulate him by crying in front of him, which seemed way too tacky.

"Why did you come here Austin?" I asked almost in a plea. Austin
stood there, his voice barely masking the confusion and conflict he was
feeling.  Finally he met my eyes with a bold face and jutted his massive
jaw out,

"You still owe me ten blow jobs bitch!"

Even though it was apparent that the humor was forced and that it
was total escapism, we both began laughing.  We hugged for what seemed like
hours, but for what was probably no longer than one or two minutes.  When
we stepped back from each other I noticed Glen, of the religious right
`Jennifer and Glen show', watching us with a sour look on his face in the
dining room, Austin didn't see him which I figured was just as well... As
Austin looked down he said my name weakly.  As I looked up at his angelic
face he asked me earnestly, "Alex, is there a name for a straight guy that
can't stop thinking about a gay guy?"

I looked in his eyes as I was searching for an answer that wouldn't
sound snappy, snide, or sarcastic.  None was forthcoming. Finally he said
softly, almost like an apology, "Don't worry about it, I can't figure it
out neither..."

He paused a few seconds before adding, "I figure, it's not like I'm
attracted to all guys, I'm not after the guys on my team or aching to go
hit the gay bars or nuth'n... So maybe it's more than just a physical
thing..."  He hung his head and slowly shook it side to side.

      "I don't know.  But Lacey knows something is up, and she knows it has
to do with you...  She hasn't figured out what yet..."

He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile, "Think I should go on
Jerry Springer?"

I chuckled and said that if he decided to do the talk show circuit
he should avoid Jenny Jones.

Finally he went and got a beer out of the fridge, as he went passed
me he asked me if he could spend the night at my house.  I nodded and
patted him on the shoulder and told him we'd figure it all out.  He gave my
hand a squeeze before he left.

After he was gone I grabbed a beer and went to find Glen to try to
convince him he hadn't seen what he KNEW he had.

Glen was watching a girl named Leslie play on a computer game. When
he saw me he blanched a little.  I asked if we could speak in private so we
went in the spare room.  As I opened up my mouth to lie to him I couldn't
say anything, I stuttered a moment as I looked at him and just broke out
crying like a mourner at a funeral.  Uncharacteristically, Glen stepped up
and held me as I cried, mumbling platitudes.  Finally as I calmed a little
I said weakly,

"I know you don't understand or believe it, but I love him so
much... It feels like all my cells are breaking apart.  Sometimes, when I
think of him I forget to breathe... How stupid is that????"

Glen was rubbing my back and comforting me and finally said, "It
has never been about believing you, you are one of the most honest and
strong individuals I've ever met.  It's just how I've been raised."

He paused for a moment before adding, "I've been raised to believe
it's all about sex and that gays don't feel anything but
lust... But... Right now I'm not so sure of that... I can't believe anyone
would choose the confusion or the pain you feel...  And I know you don't
really believe in Christ, but... regardless of whom you are, he's here to
help you and take your pain away..."

He took my hands in his, "All you need to do is accept him."

Glen looked worried like I might reject what he was saying, and to
be honest we had had some major blow outs in the past... This time though I
just smiled at him and said, "Thank you Glen, I'm not sure if it's as
metaphysical as you and Jennifer make it sound.  But you have helped me a
lot, and your acceptance has... touched my heart."

I smiled at him and held his hand to my heart. "So if this is Jesus
working through you.  Then Thank you Jesus."

Glen beamed as we walked outside; I think our mutual acceptance of
each other had truly filled us both with something that neither had
expected.  And I was in a much better place regarding Austin.

I went over and grabbed my guitar and joined in a really bad
attempt to do Nirvana's "Rape me".  We did a few more songs and then once
again, my heart took over the strings of my guitar and another song came
out, this one Christina joined me in singing and Darren joined in on his
guitar. Darren did the electronic guitar riffs beautifully as we went into
`Magic Man' by Heart.

Cold late night so long ago When I was not so strong you know A pretty man
came to me Never seen eyes so blue

I could not run away It seemed we'd seen each other in a dream It seemed
like he knew me He looked right through me

"Come on home, (BOY)" he said with a smile "You don't have to love me yet
Let's get high awhile But try to understand Try to understand Try try try
to understand I'm a magic man."

Winter nights we sang in tune Played inside the months of moon Never think
of never Let this spell last forever

Summer over passed to fall Tried to realize it all Mama says she's a
worried Growing up in a hurry

"Come on home, (boy)" mama cried on the phone "Too soon to lose my baby yet
my (boy) should be at home!"  "But try to understand, try to understand
Try, try, try to understand He's a magic man, mama He's a magic man"

"Come on home, (boy)" he said with a smile "I cast my spell of love on you
a (Grown man) from a child!  But try to understand; try to understand I'm a
magic man!"

Austin stood behind those who'd claimed the plastic deck chairs,
logs and empty kegs to sit on.  His eyes had a flame all their own, and it
was fixed on me... The fierceness of his eyes made it hard for me to look
at him... I blushed slightly not that anyone aside from Glen would notice.
We sang until late in the morning, and as we broke up to hang out, guests
started to leave.  Austin made a big point of coming up to the group I was
in and catching my eye before stating that he was leaving, we all shook
hands with him and I noted with amusement that he walked right past all the
other groups with out so much as a nod...  I started to pack up and Phil
and Christina and the core group all made sure I was coming back the next
day. Apparently Dan was bringing his new girlfriend over for her grand

When I got outside I found Glen sitting on my car waiting for me,
"I just wanted to make sure you're ok before you leave."

      "I AM Glen, thank you so much for... Sharing with me tonight.  I
guess our beliefs aren't really all that different when it comes to the
truly important matters."

I stuck out my hands to offer him a shake when he grinned at me and
got off the hood,

"Ya know, there is something that y'all stole from us?"  Glen said
as he threw his arms wide and hugged me. Before he released me he
whispered, "I believe that you really do love him.  I`m not so certain if
it's a sin or not, but please make sure he feels the same way about you
before anything happens... Despite your attitude, I know that you're a
sensitive guy... No one wants to see you hurt..."

I teared up, out of all the guys here, Glen would have my last
choice for the guy I expected to be doing this tonight... still, he had
just moved up by miles in my estimate.

"Thanks Glen, for everything tonight... I love you man!"

He laughed warmly and said, "Now don't say that... you know what
kinda trouble your gunna get me in?  And I ain't talking about with the
church neither." He said glancing towards the house and Jennifer.

"Now go on, I expect he's wait'n for you." Glen said with a wry

I waved as I got in my jeep and drove off.

Austin was waiting in his car in my parking lot as I drove up.
Before I'd even gotten out I could see him coming towards me in an
aggressive manner,

"WHAT the FUCK??????? Who the hell else did you tell??????? Jesus
FUCKING Christ!!!!!! Didn't I fucking ask you NOT to tell anyone???" He was
yelling at me with eyes filled with rage.

"Austin... I DIDN'T tell anyone..." Then I added a bit defensively
as I realized what must have happened, "Glen saw YOU kissing me... I tried
to convince him it wasn't what he thought, but he heard us talking in the
kitchen... Austin, Calm down... H-he won't tell anyone... Austin, these are
your friends..."

Austin was so pumped up he just marched off saying "FUCK!" Over and
over again... I wanted to rush up to him and put my arms around him and
tell him everything was going to be alright...His mood and my inner need
for self preservation killed those thoughts.

"Austin," I said calmly as I walked after him, "Come upstairs and
we can discuss it Ok?"

Austin turned and glared at me for a second... then; without a
word, started marching up to my apartment.  I followed hoping I could calm
him down... Sex with this beast might sound exciting, but this guy could
kill me with just two fingers...

Once inside, Austin fumed over to my patio window and stood there
looking out at the trees...

"Do you know what Glen said to me?" Austin asked without taking his
eyes off the trees.

I walked up slowly as I softly said, "No."

"He threatened me; he said if I hurt you I was going to have more
than sinning to worry about.  He got in my face and said that unless I
loved you, I shouldn't even bother coming over here."

Then he turned and faced me. "You have no fucking Idea how scared I
am right now..." He said.

I walked up to him and placed my palm on his cheek and said, "Yes,
I do,"

To which he exploded and shook my hand away, "YOU CAN'T FUCKING
KNOW!!!!" He yelled. Then He went on, "You have NO way of knowing how I
feel... The fear that my team will hear about this, that my family will
find out something... It's easy for you, YOU ARE gay!  What am I gunna do
if this gets out??? Do you have Any clue how my team will react if they
find out???"

All my attempts to remain calm went out the window; his little
outburst needled me in places I hadn't felt pain from in years.

I looked him in the eyes and in a calm deadly hushed voice I said,
"You're right Austin, what would I know about being afraid? A 5'4" fag.  To
this day there are places all over this city I can't go.  Can you even
begin to imagine ONE DAY of high school for me???" I hissed back at him.

"I wasn't even safe at the bus stop, even the fucking girls picked
on me!  Try and imagine what it was like every day being forced to go to
gym class... To have to dress down in a locker room filled with bullies
with no supervision... Being held down and tortured, having all my stuff
stolen... having guys like you laughing at my pain every single day... They
drew on me with permanent markers, sprayed me with cheap girls perfume, one
time I had three guys like you hold me down and put girls make up on me and
then afterwards I was paraded for the entire locker room to see, then
thrown out in the main hall and locked out..."

I walked up till I was right next to him holding his eyes. "Yeah, I
wouldn't have any idea. I wouldn't have any clue what it's like keeping
this secret from friends, because a little puny average looking guys always
has tons of friends to spare.  Even the nice guys were terrified that if
they tried to be my friend they'd be tortured too.  And HOW could I know
what it's like having a father telling me I was a worthless faggot because
I got beat up all the time and was lousy in sports. I was 10 before I even
knew what a faggot was... And then when I told him I thought I was gay at
age 17, he decided he couldn't hit me so he threatened to banish me from my
own home.  I wouldn't know what it felt like to be totally ignored till my
mother divorced him a year later...  See, I REALLY WAS the reason my
parents got divorced.  You go ahead and tell me how scary it is being a big
tough gorgeous Jock; I'll sit over here and cry for you!"

I hadn't expected the vitriol and rage to come out like that, when
I was done I shaking with rage, Austin stood there suddenly unaware of his
previous concerns.  His face white as he stared at me, at my berserk out

Silently he came over and tried to wrap his arms around me... At
first I just shook his arms off me and turned to close myself in my
bedroom, but his second attempt literally swept me off my feet and pulled
me to his chest.

"I am so sorry... Alex... I am sooo sorry... You're right! I can't
even imagine that..."

The tears came unbidden, I began sobbing on his chest, my little
outburst had released too many emotions, If Austin hadn't been touching me,
I might have just suppressed my feelings, but now they were running all
over his faded green shirt.  He finally carried me to the couch and sat
down while holding me tight and patting my back.

"Alex, no one... NO ONE will ever torture you again... I
promise... Not while I'm around... And not if Phil, or Dan, or Steve, or
Glen, or ANY of us are around... You DO have friends now and... We all love
you... And none of us are afraid of being your friend..."

I looked up in his eyes sadly and said, "You are... You're

He wanted to say something to disagree with me, but his eyes
suddenly looked at my floor.  He opened and closed his mouth several times
before looking at me. I added softly, "That's why you're so mad at
me... You're afraid that if people see us together they'll think you're gay

He was quiet for a few minutes as he held me, finally he whispered,

"You're right... I am afraid... But not of you, not even so much to
be seen with you... I think that what scares me the most is that if they
start to tease me... they might be right. "

I started to say something but Austin just put a finger to my lip
and softly said, "Ssshshshshshshshhhhhhh"

And then he hugged me tightly against him.  We laid like that for
over an hour, both lost in thoughts... Him holding me and offering me the
love and protection I'd never felt from a man as a child... Even after I
stopped crying he held me closely... If it weren't for his bladder we might
have stayed like that all night.  When he was done he leaned against my
bedroom door way and held out his hand for me.  I crossed the space and
wordlessly, we went to bed where he held me protectively all night,
spooning behind me and covering me with his huge arms.  We didn't have sex
that night, we barely said three words after laying down, but whatever it
is we did do, brought both of us to a place... And the next day we would
begin a long discussion on where that place was.

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