Mr. Roarke is so damn wise. But I wondered if even he would be able to put a day like this into perspective. If only there were really people like him around when you need them; people who could magically make everything come together and make sense after the last commercial break-- and show scenes from next week too. I had been living on my own little Fantasy Island most of my life; but these days, my real life had way too much drama going on for me to spend much, if any, time in my exotic little private world.
I was still reeling from the day as I brushed my teeth; and at one point, I just stood there, staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, foaming at the mouth. `WOW! It's really all out in the open! THEY KNOW!' I shouted in my brain, and my eyes got big.
`But they still love me.' I got goose bumps aaaall over my body, as Jonathan Winters always said. But the one thing that lingered between each thought and haunted me, as I replayed parts of my `coming out party', was the abject shame I had felt all the way up until Dad let me know he still loved me.
I looked at myself and shook my head in wonder-- ashamed of my shame. I had thought I was over being ashamed of who and what I am; while being pragmatic enough to accept that I had to hide it from most people. What was important was that I thought I had accepted myself.
I thought I had convinced myself that my desire and need for guys just couldn't be the disgusting and damming thing the majority of people view it as. I had thought, `If `they' just knew me, they would see I'm not evil or sick. I'm not going to destroy the American way of life by living my own life the way I need to, like Anita Bryant is saying.'
I couldn't decide if the fear and trauma of the confrontation had made me slip right back into the old shame in a moment of crisis because it was so familiar and just so easy to wear, or if I was just fooling myself and deep down, I still hadn't really forgiven myself for being gay. But I didn't know how I could really tell one way or the other, so I tried to let it go and dwell on the positives of the day.
And I had soooo much to be thankful for! Today I discovered that I had parents who loved me even though I was `like this', and I got my true love back. That's a momentous day in anybody's books!
As I thought about Jerry, I realized too, that one of the significant aspects of our reunion for me had been finding out that my intense love for Jerry had not been one-sided, that he had loved me all along, even while he tried to deny it to himself for awhile there. This mattered a lot to me because after the breakup, a lot of my self-pity wallowing had been spent beating myself up for being stupid enough to believe he could love me back in the first place. And even while I was beating myself up about it, part of my mind kept insisting that he did really love me; but in the face of what I could see up until today, that had just made me think I was even more stupid and na´ve, and couldn't trust my gut feelings in any way.
Then I started feeling massive guilt over Tyson and forced myself to not dwell on it. `There's nothing you can do about it til you find him, so let it go for now. You aren't doing any good just beating yourself up about it, so just stop it!'
On the drive over to Jerry's, the closer I got, the more my thoughts focused on him. When Dad said how we can be blinded because we want it to be perfect so badly, it started a string of self-doubting questions in my mind; thoughts like,
`Is this REALLY IT? Is he really the one? I mean, I feel it so strongly, with such confidence in my heart; and with the pull of Tyson on my heart during this afternoon's events, it had to be VERY strong to have swayed me from being determined not to open up the wounds and let him back in.' Though I realized during that thought that I had known he was still in my heart all along.
Have I made the right choice? My gut tells me yes, very much yes. But what if it is like Dad said, and I'm just wanting it to be perfect so badly I'm not seeing clearly? I mean, I know what they say about young love and all that...
But then, like I told my parents, no one could fake what he showed in his eyes today and what I felt coming from him. It's real, and I know it.
Wow, my own dad had given me advice on my relationship with my boyfriend! Am I dreaming? Am I going to wake up, look around and realize I never even met Jerry or Tyson, or came out to my parents; back in the cold and lonely reality I used to know? I shivered in the warm night air, then with a smirk on my lips, pinched my thigh, wondering if anyone else has actually ever done that. I'm awake. In fact, that cold and lonely reality from less than two months ago seems more like the (bad) dream than anything I have to deal with now.
I feel more alive than I ever have, even if everything's been turned upside down. I feel like life is slapping me in the face, over and over again, with me standing at attention, shouting, `THANK YOU SIR! MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?' But it's good, ya know? It's good, mostly. In fact, it's mostly wonderful.
By the time I pulled in beside his car, anticipation of being with him had me in a good mood. I really needed a break from thinking about any of the rest of today's events or their meaning. Being with Jerry is one of those wonderful things life is giving me now, and I really, really, really needed it.
I half expected Jerry to meet me at the gate to the courtyard to take me up on my offer to suck him off in the front yard-- which I might very well have done for all of Friendswood to see, cuz I could never say no to him-- and giggled to myself.
As I reached the gate, I looked down to see little decorative jars with candles on either side of the opening, and three more leading to the tall double doors, which were both slightly open. There was a note on the right door.
"Lover, follow the candles," was all it said, in fancy marker writing. I stood there and got all tingly. `Ooh, this is right out of some romance flick! How sweet of him!'
I smoothed my hair back and looked myself over in the mirrored foyer walls. The candles led through the den and out to the back patio through the open glass door. I walked out into the warm night air and saw candles trailing into the gazebo and out the other side. I stepped in and found a table with a bottle of cabernet behind two half full glasses, surrounded by chocolate-dipped strawberries and a note beside them.
I stepped over and read the note, "Lover, take off your clothes, stand still and listen."
I stripped naked quickly, all giddy with anticipation and stood, with the whisper of a breeze caressing my erection. I peered through the ivy that covered most of the gazebo and saw that the only lights on were the mostly colored ones strategically positioned through the landscaped gardens, and the submerged lights of the pool and jacuzzi. The trail of candles from the other side of the gazebo led to the pool.
Suddenly, there was a bright flash in my eyes, which disoriented me for a moment. When my eyes adjusted, John Lennon's beautiful song, `Oh My Love', came from the built in speakers wired to a stereo inside the house. I stood and listened, as the note had instructed. I had only heard the song once before, and was struck by it's poetic beauty and simplicity. I thought, `Yeah, for the first time in my life, my eyes are wide open too, John. I'm not dreaming.'
As I came out of the trance of the song, Jerry was standing directly in front of me. I had no idea where he came from-- he was just there-- in his gold swim team robe with black trim, open to reveal his gorgeous, sexy chest above his very full shiny gold Speedo. He walked out of the robe, letting it fall from his shoulders, looking like a mythological Greek god in the candlelight. He put his index finger to my lips to stop my words as I was about to tell him how wonderful all of this was.
His eyes were dark and mysterious in the flickering candlelight as he reached over and picked up the glasses, handing me one. He swirled his wine under my nose and I inhaled its dark berry fragrance. He clanked them together and put his glass to my lips for me to sip. I had only tasted red wine twice, and hadn't really liked it; but this tasted smooth as silk, rich and wonderful. I understood now, that I was not supposed to speak. I was to see, taste, hear, smell and feel.
I gave Jerry a sip of my wine in return. He took a big drink and brought his lips to mine as his body surged against me. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his waist, my steely erection jabbing up into his Speedo encased nuts. With the steady, gentle pressure of his kiss, he tilted my head back and pried my lips apart with his tongue. As my lips willingly parted for him, the wine flowed in. I moaned and let it gather at the back of my throat. I stared into his eyes and was mesmerized. I didn't need any words-- this was beautiful and intense, with its own language. He kept the trickle going while he moved off my lips to let the wine run down my cheek and jaw.
It was incredibly erotic. A stream ran from my jaw, down my neck, chest and stomach, dispersing in my pubic hair. As I felt it tickle down my flesh, he stepped back and followed the stream with smoldering eyes. He went down on his knees and found the end of the stream on my nuts. Lapping it up sensuously, he slowly licked his way back up the cabernet arroyo to my neck, keeping his body within heat of mine on the way, lightly brushing as he moved up, leaving my flesh hot and tingling at every point of contact, causing a shudder and tingle or two. He had to know he was making me weak in the knees. He had to know he was setting me on fire.
Ever get that with your guy? Ever get that cross between feeling like you're just melting into a puddle of awestruck goo, and feeling like every muscle in your body is about to just go crazy and twitch you to death at the same time?
Again, he touched my lips for silence, then gently brushed his hand across my eyes to get me to close them. I smelled chocolate just as he smeared some on my lips with a strawberry. He withdrew the strawberry and licked the chocolate off my lips, which parted again eagerly for his tongue. Then he pushed the strawberry in and I bit down slowly. After I ate the little bite, he offered me his fingers, and I sucked the chocolate off of them, remembering that day in his room, licking the Ding Dong chocolate off his fingers.
Jerry then touched my eyes to open them once again. Seeing the flames of all the candles dancing in his eyes...... If he turned me on any more, I was going to just cum all over him without touching myself. He smiled a little nervously and produced another note from somewhere and began reading as he walked slowly around me. He started with a nervous twitching in his voice, but smoothed out as he got going.
"Danny, I'm not a very romantic guy, but you make me feel romantic, every single day.
I'm not very good with words, but you make me feel poetic, every single day.
I wish I knew enough beautiful words to describe how I feel about you.
I think of many, but they just don't begin to express all I feel.
So for my poem to you, let me at least try to give you as much love as you give me, every single day.
Let me at least try to make your world as complete as you make mine, every single day.
Let me touch you, hold you, kiss you and make love to you, every single day.
Then I know you will feel everything I don't know how to say.
Let my kiss be the first line of my love poem to you, every single day."
He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips.
My eyes had gotten misty, of course, and my knees were like jelly. He stepped into me and we embraced, kissing passionately, tasting the mellow wine and chocolate of each other's tongues. I felt my love for him humming through my body and radiating outward, fusing with his love and filling the space around us.
The kiss was long and heated, but he eventually drew back, hooking my fingers into the waistband of his swim suit. I took the hint and pulled it down around his ankles, freeing the semi-erect member to bounce around in the breeze. He caressed my forehead, signaling me not to suck on it as I opened my mouth wide. I reluctantly obeyed and he pulled me up. Taking me by the hand, he led me to the deep end of the pool and positioned us face to face at the edge. He wrapped me in a tight embrace, keeping our cocks aimed up between us, and said,
"Let all your breath out and hold it that way."
"Trust me. Hold your breath out til I give you mine. Ready?"
I wasn't sure what he was talking about, but I went ahead and let my breath out and held it. He tilted us til we fell sideways into the water. As soon as we were immersed, he used one hand to start us spinning slowly, fully embraced. He sought out my lips and kissed me. He blew his breath into my mouth and I sucked it into my lungs. We began sending our breath back and forth through our kiss as we spun in lazy rolls in the warm water, letting out just enough air through our noses as we'd roll face up to keep the water from coming in.
The sense of up or down lost any importance it may have had. It was a world of sensations the likes of which I would never have conceived of. Floating in space, turning slowly, sharing our breath, feeling each other's bodies to be the only solid things in existence, I could hear our breath exchange clearly within.
I opened my eyes to find his already open. He pulled back from the kiss and said, "I love you," which I could hear as I watched the bubbles escape his mouth and nostrils.
I said it back. I looked at him in the light of the blue pool, and just wanted to shout my love at the top of my lungs for all the world to hear. He kissed down my neck, chest and stomach, then he jetted me up to the surface. I gasped for air and he came up beside me. He was hardly winded-- but then he was on the swim team.
I made a question mark with my eyebrows and mouth, and he got what I meant. He smiled really big and I watched the water drip from his hair onto his shoulders as he embraced me again and reached for the nearby edge to hold us up. "Yeah. You can talk now, baby." I was distracted from what I was going to say by his hunky body, the way it feels so different, hanging on it in the water, feeling his muscles working as he moved, his hard on against my belly, just... I dunno, really great feeling.
"Well..." I laughed, drunk with love, and kinda rolled my head around, "Now that I can, I'm at a loss for words!" I laughed some more and he laughed because I was laughing. "Jerry, I can't believe how romantic this is. I can't believe you did all this for me!" I laughed some more, with water gathering in my eyes. "I'm so blown away!" I smacked his lips with mine, "Man, your poem was so beautiful it made me cry. But you maybe should change the first line, cuz babe, you are definitely a romantic guy!" I beamed at him and he had the most sensational smile, thrilled that he'd made me so happy.
I nodded toward the gazebo, "I never expected anything like this! And oh my God, floating and turning with you in the water like that was just beyond-- beyond reality! It was like, it came kinda close to... You know how when we're making love and... Well, it's hard to describe, but it's that place I go with you when we're lost in making love, and it's like our own little reality, like we're in space or something... like we're all that exists? That's what it felt like, sharing our breath-- like we depend on each other for life. Man, it was special beyond words."
"Wow. So you do feel that too, then! What you just described, when we make love. I didn't know how to begin to put that in words like you just did," his eyes glowed. "It's like, that `place' is what made me realize how incredible you are. It's where I realized just how much I love you. And that's what I always get from it with you."
He grinned the biggest grin and rolled his eyes in amusement, "Man, Danny, it's like, all you have to do is say some little something about whatever, and I all of a sudden see all these things about myself and everything. All of a sudden, I understand things." He smiled a childlike smile that made me laugh.
"Same for me, y'know," I smiled. "You've amazed me a bunch of times with things you've said."
"Yeah?" He beamed.
"It really is a beautiful poem. I love you, stud."
He grinned big time, humping his groin against mine, remembering our phone conversation. Then alarm flashed in his eyes, "Oh dude, how much did your mom hear?!"
"Oh God, I don't know! I don't know how long she was standing there. I was so fucking embarrassed! I was playing with myself! I was rock hard and just laying there playing with myself-- but at least I didn't have my hand inside my jeans, or have my dick out!" I rolled my eyes, "But with the fucking door wide open, like an idiot! I know she heard me talking about licking you all over an' all. God, I was so fucking embarrassed-- and so was she."
He laughed so hard he could barely hold onto the edge of the pool, and I joined in. I managed between laughs to grunt out, "Oh, here Mom, you can have the phone now-- but ya might wanna wipe all that cum off before you talk!" We laughed so hard our guts were hurting.
When we calmed down, Jerry said, "Well at least it wasn't your dad who caught you."
"Oh shit, that would've been-" I shut my eyes tightly, "I don't even wanna think about that."
"Yeah, let's think about something else. Let's go for another spin."
We were already in an embrace, so he pushed us off from the edge. I let out my breath and he took a big one just before we went under. We immediately opened our eyes and locked our lips. While he got us turning slowly horizontal, using a minimum of movement and energy, I kept my legs clamped up around his waist and clung tightly to him, feeling his chest and stomach hair tickling my skin in the liquid environment. We went much longer than the first time.
It was just an incredible feeling, a melding like I never would have expected without making love-- No, I should say, without having sex, because we were making love. Just before we came up for air, he stopped making us spin. We floated motionless in the surreal stillness of the warm blue water, trading breath, staring into each other's eyes, umbillically connected, drifting peacefully in our own Nirvana. I will cherish every second of it for as long as I live.
When he sensed that I was badly in need of fresh air, he unlocked our bodies and shot me up to the surface again. He shook the water off his head and said, "Let's go ahead and get out."
"Ok," I ceded reluctantly. "But I wanna `spin' again real soon, ok?"
"Oh yeah! I wanna do that a lot! I can't believe how awesome that is with you!"
"What, have you done it before with a girl or something?" I asked teasingly-- not really meaning to question him about it.
He looked at me somewhat defensively. "No, not even," he stated unequivocally. "Never done that before and I don't ever wanna do it with anyone else, ever." His voice softened to a conspiratorial tone and he winked, "That's one of our `special things'."
"Yeah. Our special thing." I glowed. I went ahead and started up the ladder. Jerry came up behind me and swiped his tongue up my ass crack, making me yelp, jump and giggle.
When I stood up, I asked, "What now?"
"Oh, we're not through," he said in a sexy voice. "Follow me, lover."
"To the ends of the earth, stud."
He chuckled and put his arm around me as we walked, or floated, to the gym room showers.
We rinsed off by candlelight and dried each other sensually, with a combination of towels and tongues. He took me by the hand and led me along the candle trail. I watched his body glow in and out of the light as we passed each candle, thrilling at his beauty and grace, loving how the light played on his muscles in movement. There were candles leading up the stairs-- which I hadn't noticed when I arrived-- and into his bedroom, where there must have been nearly a hundred, on every shelf and table, and on the floor in groups.
"Oh my God!" Was all I could say for the moment.
"You like it?" He put his arm back around my shoulders.
"Oh, Jerry." I melted into his side. "Oh Jerry," I repeated. I was pretty speechless. I glanced down to see big magnolia blossoms and little delicate honeysuckle blossoms laid on out in the shape of a heart on the bed.
He reached down, picked me up in his arms and laid me on the soft flowers. I opened my body up for him, inviting him on top of me, needing to feel him inside me more than ever.
He laid out over me and I wrapped my arms and legs up around him. I whispered, "You know, I've already made you my whole world again."
He looked at me, with regret for all the time we were apart obvious in his eyes, "You've been my whole world from the day we met. I just can't believe I was so stupid I almost lost you. I can't believe..." I put my finger to his lips and he let the words go, kissing my finger reverently, looking into my eyes, the fire within making his eyes glow obsidian in the candlelight.
He kissed me and kissed me again, then slid down and sucked my already rigid cock into his mouth. He sucked on it for a minute or so, then came up over me on his knees, all the way to my shoulders. He looked down at me in the lazily flickering candle light and aimed his cock at my mouth. I opened up and raised my head to love it.
He held it with his left hand and pushed it down and in, working it in and out a few times as I sucked greedily and gratefully on my pacifier. After giving me just enough to make me want more, he laid back out on me and rolled us over, putting me on top.
"I want you to give it to me, Danny."
"Huh?" I drew a blank.
"I wanna know how it feels, baby, and I want you to know how it feels. Fuck me."
He was serious. I was caught in a `stoopid storm' for a moment there. I had never thought of fucking him. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I had just never felt a need or desire to. I loved him fucking me, a lot, all the time. I loved making him feel good, making his dick feel good, servicing him in any way he wanted; and of course, I got immeasurable pleasure from that. I never thought he would want to get fucked. But now he did. `Cool! Wow. He wants to do it! Cool.' He didn't know-- and had said he didn't want to know-- I had fucked Tyson, of course, so he thought I was a virgin in that way. I glowed inside that he was wanting to share this with me.
I nodded yes into his eyes, leaned down and kissed him. I wanted his first time to be special. After a minute, I slid off his full lips and kissed down his jaw, neck and onto his chest. I wallowed in his masculinity for a long time, licking, sucking, biting, kissing and rubbing my face in his chest and abdomen, hunching on his hard shaft with my chest, lubricated with his precum.
I sensed that he was too hot for me to suck his cock much, so I loved around it, rubbing my face on it, kissing and nibbling up and down the burning hot shaft. I did the same on his nuts, pausing to blow on them and breathe in their musk. It seemed like I could actually feel the electrical impulses going back and forth between my brain and my pleasure centers, pulsing, tingling.
He drew his knees to his chest and I licked and nibbled down his perineum to his pucker. I thought of my own, what amazing pleasure I got from there, and wanted him to feel it too. I licked and blew on it, pushed my tongue in and reamed him for a couple of minutes while he moaned with pleasure. He sat the Vaseline by my hand and I lubed my fingers and inserted one at a time til I had three working gently in and out, while I sucked his balls and fondled his cock with my other hand.
I kissed my way back up his hot body to find his lips, keeping my fingers probing, feeling him clamping and releasing. While we kissed, I pulled my fingers out, coated my cock and positioned myself. He pulled on my ass with his other hand, so I aimed myself at his hole.
He whispered to me as I applied pressure at the entrance, "I wanna feel you inside me, Danny."
I pushed and he urged me on with his hand on my ass. I felt his sphincter give and stopped just inside. He let out a little gasp and said, "You know, you're pretty big too, heh."
I smiled and just held still, waiting for him to let me know he was ready for more. After a bit, he pulled again on my ass, cautiously. I went in a little more. I was marveling at how hot and tight he was. It was a real effort to push into him. He pulled me in deeper.
About halfway in, I pulled back and started slowly in again. That was how I liked him doing it, so I figured it was the best method. His breathing was ragged and he showed slight discomfort in his face. I kept up the slow in and out, knowing it would even out for him as my dick stroked his prostate. His expression softened and began to show a little pleasure.
"Ahhhhh, yeah," he sighed as I increased my tempo a little.
"Is it feeling good?"
"Yeah, starting to. I feel really full inside, and kinda like I need to..."
"Don't worry, it feels like that the first time or two, at first," I whispered, getting a nice, even pace going and sinking a little deeper gradually. It was feeling so wonderful, I was getting close too fast, and I wasn't even all the way in yet.
I slowed down and he pulled on my ass again, "All the way, Danny, all the way in. It feels good," he whispered, rolling his head back on the bed.
I pushed in all the way, slowly but steadily. He winced once, but kept urging me in. When I hit bottom, I held there and moved slightly around, just like he does for me. He moaned loudly and rolled his head around more rapidly.
"Oh yeah," he whispered, "Oh yeah, it feels good, Danny. Feels good."
"It feels incredible," I whispered back.
"Fuck me, Danny, fuck me now." He raised his head and kissed me.
I started pumping, then got a little faster and harder, gradually building a steady rhythm that increased as he showed by his reactions he wanted more. It was intense and beautiful. He was so tight and velvety hot inside, I knew I wouldn't last much longer. I tried slowing down to prolong it, but that felt just as good, and his moans of ecstasy were pushing me inexorably to the brink.
He started rocking himself into my thrusts and urging me on, "Oh yeah! Oh God yeah! Go for-- HARD Danny!"
I looked down at his cock drooling precum all over his stomach and followed my urge. I grabbed it and aimed it at my mouth and it was big and long enough I was able to suck on it while I fucked him. Ohhhh, awesome! He raised his head and the look of surprised ecstasy on his face was priceless. He moaned very loudly and let his head fall back on the bed, throwing it side to side. As I got a coordinated rhythm of sucking and fucking going, I shot right back to the edge of orgasm. I was there, too fast, but oh so good.
"I'm gonna cum!" I rasped, putting my mouth back on his column.
"Yeah! Yeah! Do it now!" He croaked out just before he started jerking, gasping and yelling as he began an earth-shattering climax.
Feeling his ass muscles fiercely clamping and releasing my cock in sync with each pulse of cum exploding in my mouth was such an amazing sensation that I didn't cum until after he'd almost finished. My orgasm felt like it was going to blow the top of my head off as I let his cock slip out, threw my head back and pounded his ass as I unloaded inside him.
He was gasping and yelling, "Yeah! Cum in me, Danny! Yeah!" He was still in the middle of his aftershocks, but got so into me pounding his ass and cumming inside him that he seemed to almost forget his own orgasm.
When my convulsions subsided, I collapsed on top of him and he kissed me everywhere he could get to. "Oh God, Danny! That was so fucking incredible! Oh Man, I can't believe how good it felt!"
We kissed some more and rolled onto our sides. My cock slipped out of his ass and we embraced tightly as we straightened out, kissing between words, "Mmmmmm, now I know why you love it so much. Wow. That was just fantastic! I definitely wanna do it again."
"I loved it too! Man, I was amazed at how tight you were." I giggled between deep breaths, "I hope I'm that tight for you."
"Oh, you are, baby!" He reached for a towel and cleaned us up while he talked, "You're always so tight it takes me awhile to get it in you all the way. I don't think I'd be able to just cram it all the way in at once to begin with if you wanted me to." He looked at me and asked seriously, but with a little grin, "Do you ever want me to, like, just cram it in from the start?"
I thought for a moment. "Hmm, well, I've thought about that before, actually," I blushed as I ran my fingers through his chest hair. "I mean, when I fantasized about you before we got together, like in different settings... Well, like, sometimes I'd fantasize that we've just met and like, we're working or something, somewhere alone together. And we have this sexual tension going, knowing we both want it, but it's like, unspoken, y'know?"
I was grinning nervously at telling him this. "And so you're all, you know, rugged, or, a little rough, you know, and just grab me and kiss me passionately, then rip my clothes off and bend me over a desk or something and just ram it in." I was embarrassed at telling him this particular fantasy of him. I added, "But of course, I know in real life that would hurt like hell, with this fencepost." I gave his already hard again monster a playful thump.
"And I had lots of different fantasies about you. Most of them were tender and romantic. I did tell you I'd been fantasizing about you since the first week of school, didn't I?"
"Yeah, you did. Hmmmm, I had lots of fantasies about you too since we met. But that one's a real turn on. We should do something like that sometime, like, act that out, or something like it. I'd just not ram it all the way in so fast... like, maybe ram enough in to give you that fantasy, but not the whole thing, like, maybe half of it for the initial ramming," he chuckled at the words and phrases we were using.
"Listen to me! I sound like some porno movie director!" We laughed. "Just like that movie I saw at that adult theater on Highway 3, over in South Houston a couple a weeks ago-- and I watched two gay movies in the little private booths they had there, too. They got me into some fantasies I never thought of!" He gave me another evil little grin and wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Funny, too, cuz like, the day I met you in Mr. Janke's room... well, like the second day in there, when we were alone; I thought of that very kind of thing, a fantasy just like the one you described."
"You did? Tell me about it!" I demanded excitedly, torn between asking about his porn theater experience and the fantasy. "Tell me exactly what you pictured doing, what you thought of saying to me, all of it! I love fantasies!"
"Well, it was a pretty hot fantasy..." He nodded his head, "Ok, it was something like this-- but keep in mind here, that I didn't know I was `gay' then-- just had those little urges to try, you know-- and I didn't have any consideration for your feelings yet, ok?" I nodded my head enthusiastically.
"Ok, so, uh, like we were sitting there in Janke's room and I was getting all this sexual tension from you, and it was getting me into it too, cuz I'd been thinking about it, you know, like I told you. I remember sitting there picturing this while you were reading something to me: I stand up fast, knocking my chair over and..." he stopped. "Aw man, this don't sound right to say it out loud."
"Come on! Tell me! It's got me hot already!" I grabbed his hand and put it on my hard and dripping cock to prove it.
"Well, ok," he studied his hand kneading my shaft as he continued, "As long as you know this is just a fantasy. It's not how I think all the time or nothin', especially now." He looked back up at me.
"I understand that. Go ahead."
"Ok, you asked for it," he warned with a tilt of his head and a smile. He started again, "So... I knock my chair away, stand up and grab you by the hair and say, `What do you want? Do you want my dick? Is that what you want, boy?' and you're scared shitless, cuz you were always scared then, and just kinda barely nod your head yes. So I take out my dick and you freak out just seeing it" He chuckled, "Hey, I'm telling it as close as I can to how I thought it all then." He reddened slightly, even in the candlelight, "Ok, yeah," he made a hand sign for `small' and laughed, "I'm a little bit vain about my dick."
"Well you should be!" I squealed enthusiastically. "Look at how huge this beautiful thing is!" I caressed the hard shaft lovingly, "I did freak out when I saw it-- and had to have it!"
"Well, that's what you did in my fantasy too. So in the fantasy, you want it, but you're too scared to admit it, so I rub it all in your face and slap you with it," he wagged his eyebrows and his cock pulsed in my hand. "After a bit, you give into your desire and just suck it down your throat and eat it like you can't get enough-- like you always do in real life," he winked at me and I nodded wholehearted agreement.
"Then, I stand you up and pull your pants down and bend you over the table, right on top of the books we're reading. And in my fantasy: you know you want it, but you're afraid to try, cuz it's so big, and so you kinda say that in some way, like, `I want it a lot, but I'm scared of it, Jerry!', so I just go ahead and stick it in cuz I know you really, really want it bad-- but I don't really cram the whole thing in at once, even in my fantasies... cuz I don't wanna hurt anyone," he added.
"So anyway, I fuck you all over the room then, in just about every position I could think of and you can't get enough and keep begging me for more." He paused. "That's it. That's one of the fantasies I had back then. `Course, I had plenty of `tender' fantasies, too, just so ya know," he smiled and kissed my forehead.
"Oh God, that's so hot!" I said as he played with my throbbing cock.
He chuckled, "Really, it went a lot like it goes in real life, as far as how you get so into it and beg for it-- which turns me on like crazy," he grinned. Then he stared into my eyes, "Except, now in real life, I love you and care about what you're feeling, and most of the feeling I get is cuz I'm making love with you. It's not just sex," he sighed and kissed me, then tacked on, "But I would like to act out some fantasies like that some time, if you wanna. I think that'd be fun."
"Yeah! We should definitely do that!" My cock was leaking all over his hand from picturing the fantasy. "Man, stud, you're just so fuckin' awesome!"
"You are too, baby-- studling," he added with a chuckle and nibbled my ear, making me shiver and squirm and laugh.
I glanced at the clock and saw we had plenty of time. He cocked his eyebrows at the mischievous look in my eyes. I used my most seductive voice, "Want me to get dressed and go hang out in some other room?" I grinned, nodding my head `yes'. "Then you can come in there and rip my clothes off and ravage me?"
That struck him funny. He laughed so hard he doubled up. He managed to say, "Ravage?!" He kept laughing and I had to as well. He settled down and said again, "Ravage? I like that!" He started tickling me and I doubled up, trying to shield my flanks. He got on his knees and leaned over me, "Yeah, I'll ravage you, baby. I'll ravage you good!"
"Stop! Please!" I was referring to the tickling.
"Oh, you say stop, but you mean go, don't ya! Admit it!" He kept tickling me unmercifully. "Admit it!"
"No! Please!" I could hardly speak, laughing and writhing around, trying to get away from the tickling; but I went with the thought, "Please don't fuck me in the ass!" I managed to say through my laughing, "It's too big, and I couldn't take it! I've never done anything like this before, you big stud!"
Jerry went with it too, "That's Mr. Stud to you, boy!" He tried to suppress his grin. "You know you want it, boy, don't fight it!" He stopped the tickling and reached for my ass, but I scrambled off the bed and ran out of the room. He was on his feet and following quickly enough.
"No! Please don't fuck my little virgin ass with that monster!" I yelled hysterically as I ran down the hall, trying to suppress hysterical laughter. I'd never gone this way and didn't know which rooms I was heading into, so I just went through the first open door. It was dark, but had a neon clock on the wall. I hit some kind of chair or bench, and sprawled over it, landing on my hands and knees on the pile carpet beyond it.
"No use tryin' t' get away, boy! I'm gonna fuck you up the ass with my big fat dick!" He yelled as he came around the corner into the room.
"No! Please don't! It's too big and it'll hurt! I've never done this before!" I was starting to lose the silliness and began getting into the role I was playing.
Jerry came over and grabbed my hair, pulling my head up to look in my eyes. I could see his eyes in the red and purple neon until he leaned down close to my face. He sneered at me, "You want my big dick up your ass, don't you boy! Don't you!" He shook my head a little. He was doing a pretty damn good job of acting, though I could see the hint of a smile trying to break through his lips.
I tried to do my most Oscar worthy performance, "No! I'm afraid! It's too big!"
He kept hold of my hair, stood up and ground my face roughly into his meaty cock and big bull nuts. Then he pulled my head back, held his cock with his other hand and clubbed my face hard with the heavy meat several times.
"Afraid of it? Well get to know it and ya won't be so afraid of it, boy." He aimed it at my mouth, shoved it in, and started fucking my face, muttering, "Ahh, yeah, suck it good, boy. Get to know my big dick, cuz I'm gonna shove it in your ass." He'd obviously been watching porn!
He did ravage my face, and I loved every second of it. "Eat it, boy!" He used his grip on my hair to jam my face on and off his cock for a couple of minutes, smearing it all over my face when it would slip out. If I'd have been touching myself, I would have came from that alone. Then he pulled my head off his shaft and bent down face to face again. I felt his breath hitting the spit smeared all over my face.
"You love sucking on my big fat dick, don't you?" He jerked my head back, "Don't you?! You love my cock and you're scared to admit it, huh!"
I acted my most vanquished, "Yeah."
"What? I can't hear you!"
"Yes! I loved it."
"Well you're gonna love it all the way up in your ass too, boy." He physically moved me around to lay out over the thinly padded vanity seat. I found out later this was his sister's room.
"No! Please don't! It's too big and it'll hurt! Please don't shove that monster in my ass, Mr. Stud!"
"Oh, I'm gonna, boy." He leered, "I'm gonna shove all nine and a half inches of my thick, U.S.D.A. Prime beef in your ass so you know what a big dick feels like up in there."
I was trying to stay in character, but just couldn't help arching my ass up eagerly for him. I had to try very hard to say, "Please don't fuck my ass!" instead of, `Please fuck me like a madman!'
I felt lube on my hole and realized he had thought to grab it on his way out of the bedroom. "Well I'm gonna fuck you up your ass, boy. Now tell me how much you want it! SAY IT!"
I felt the blunt tip of his massive cock against my hole and shuddered with anticipation. "No! Please! You'll split me in two with that huge cock, Mr. Stud!"
He jabbed at my hole with it, then started running it up and down my crack, grinding it in, rubbing tantalizingly over my hole. It was a real struggle to keep from begging him to fuck me.
"Got a tight little hole for me here? Huh? Ready for me to shove my big dick in that hole of yours, boy? Say it!" He slapped my ass, making me jump and squeal, "Tell me how much you want me to fuck you in the ass, boy!" Again, he slapped my ass.
"Ok! Ok! Yes! Do it!"
"FUCK ME IN THE ASS! PLEASE, MR. STUD!" I yelled loudly.
He shoved it in. I don't know just how far he went-- I know he didn't even go nearly halfway-- but it WAS painful. I screamed-- and wasn't acting. Jerry instantly pulled out. He came down on his knees, hugging around my waist in panic, "You alright? Oh Danny, I'm so sorry baby! I was just trying to do it like you..." He rubbed my shoulders and kissed my neck as he freaked out at causing me pain.
"No! I'm alright. Don't stop," I panted. "I'm fine. Put it back in. I'm loving this fantasy." I took a couple of deep breaths and the pain subsided. "Let's keep into it. Fuck me senseless... Mr. Stud."
He stroked his cock back to hardness and worked it back in gently, then raised back up to his crouching position and started pumping in and out. He got back into character soon and pushed the rest of the way in pretty fast; then he began to fuck me senseless like I'd ask for. He rode me hard and heavy.
"Yeah! Take it!" He was fully back in character and so was I. "You love feeling my big dick all the way up inside your tight little asshole, don't ya? Don't ya?!"
"It hurts! It's too big!" I yelled and grunted, trying to mask my ecstasy.
He pulled me up, clamping me tightly with one arm around my throat and one around my waist. He stood up, lifting me off the floor, impaled on his cock, and walked us over to a chaise lounge. My eyes had adjusted and I could see everything just fine. He let me fall off his cock onto the cushions, then stage whispered, "Run to the stairs."
I only took a second to snap, and jumped up and ran out of the room. "Please don't fuck my little ass anymore with that huge dick!" I yelled in a pretty convincing panic.
He was close behind me and caught me beside the top of the stairs. He bent me over the banister and shoved his dick all the way in hard. "You know you love it!"
"AHH! Oh God! Please stop!" Now that it had been in but absent for a bit, it felt wonderful for him to ram it in.
He spread my arms and held my hands to the rail, plowing my ass like a man possessed. After a minute or so, he slipped out; which I took as a signal to run again. I wiggled sideways and started down the stairs. Jerry flew past me, touching off on about two steps in the middle, landing at the foot of the stairs with arms spread, hard cock bouncing menacingly, facing me with an evil grin. He had obviously jumped down the stairs like that many times since he'd lived here-- I was impressed.
I had made it two thirds of the way down before I realized he had passed me. I stopped and looked at him guarding the bottom like there was no escape, wildman look in his eyes, his ballistic missile pointing straight out. I yelped and turned to run back up. He laughed a maniacal laugh to match his evil grin and sprinted up after me.
He caught me by the calf about halfway up and I sprawled out on the plush carpeted risers. He climbed up over me and shoved it all the way in me again, holding me down as I struggled to get away.
"Yeah! Take it, boy! Take my big, thick cock in your tight little ass!"
"YEAH FUCK ME!" I screamed. He slammed his cock in and out relentlessly, then raised up so that only his groin would touch me, still goin' to town on my ass, letting me crawl slowly up the stairs. He stayed right with me as I `tried' to get away, moaning in ecstasy and arching my ass up into his thrusts. My rigid dick was catching on the edge of each riser and springing up to slap my belly as I crawled toward the top.
He pistoned in and out til he knew he was close, then pulled out and crawled up my spread eagle body. He swiped the lube off with his right hand, grabbed my hair with his left and started fucking my face again as I rolled onto my back. It was all just too hot, and I erupted all over us and the stairs. Some of my cum flew over the banister and down to whatever was in the darkness below, he told me afterwards.
"OH YEAH! OH FUCKING YEAH!" He shouted as he watched my cum fly through the air while he jammed my head up and down on his cock. When he could tell I had finished shooting, he pulled out of my mouth and stood up over me, pounding his tool furiously.
I grabbed his left ankle up by my shoulder, and his right thigh angling down toward my knee, trying to help steady him. I looked up at his body, with his muscles all tensed and straining and his hand flying up and down, his huge balls slapping under his fist-- but rapidly pulling up into their tight pose for climax. I waited breathlessly for his orgasm.
He looked down at me and sneered, "Now I'm gonna cum all over your face, boy!" He was trying hard not to, but he couldn't stop the trace of a grin from showing.
Then I saw his orgasm take over his features and watched his body strain and jerk in the candlelight as it jettisoned another volley of pearls, drenching my face and chest while I tried like hell not to blink.
"AH! AAAHHHH, FU-U-U-UCK!" He shouted, bouncing around and nearly falling backward. I was glad I had hold of his legs or he might have. He grabbed the rail with his free hand and slumped against it as he let the last few spasms work through his body. I stared in awe at his masculine form, lit by the candle on the stairs right under him, his face lit by those at the top of the stairs.
When he was able to breathe again, still heaving, he looked down at me and shook his head vigorously, "Whew! That was somethin' else!"
I grinned form ear to ear, "That was awesome! Fucking incredible!"
"So you liked that little fantasy, huh!" He grinned back and shook his floppy dick at me, flinging a cum string over my shoulder.
"OH-MY-GOD." I fanned my face with my hand. "That was... that was... Oh my God." We both laughed.
Then his expression changed and he sounded worried, "I was so scared I really hurt you bad when I rammed it in so fast at first there. I'm so sorry! I didn't want it to really hurt! I only went, like, two and a half inches, if that. I was tryin' to just do enough to give you your-- you know, your fantasy."
"Well it didn't hurt that bad, and it didn't last long at all. And it, well, it kinda worked anyway, for the fantasy, y'know?" I added, "But next time we do a fantasy like that, I might oughtta loosen myself up a bit first. Cuz, like, after that first time there in that room, like after it was out while I went to the stairs, then when you'd ram it back in, it would feel like it was the first time in, only without that kinda pain.
Jerry sank down half on, half off of me and put his face inches from mine, "I can't stand to hurt you, baby. I don't want it to really hurt, even in a fantasy. I mean, when I could tell it hurt, I instantly started losing my hard. Only when you told me to keep going could I get back into it."
He looked at my face and wiped a cum splatter off my cheek. He held it up between us. We both looked at it and stuck our tongues out, approaching his finger at the same time. We licked it off and let our tongues play around his finger for a moment; then he dropped his hand and kissed me.
He stopped and grinned at me, "Oh, by the way; that flash in your eyes in the gazebo was me taking a picture of you in the raw, for me to keep." He giggled, "I took one of me before you got here, for you to keep, when I develop them."
"In the raw too?" I asked, unconsciously grabbing my crotch.
"Oh yeah. And hard, just like you were. I used a time delay."
"Cool," I thought about how this picture would replace my very worn out magazine pictures in my fantasy Island. "How'd you put all this together in that short a time?"
He held a crate and I loaded the candles into it as we moved along. "Well we had the candles stored in the craft room. Mom and Dad had some kinda reception last year and some caterer or whatever sent the wrong candles, but she kept them for some reason. There's like two hundred of `em. I blew out the first trail of candles and lit the stairway trail while you were listening to the song. The rest was easy, `cept the poem-- if you could call it that," he chuckled.
"Jerry, I told you how beautiful your poem is! Now stop putting it down! And I want it, too. That was so cool, the way you wrote the notes with what, like, calligraphy? The writing was beautiful. I WANT that poem to keep and remember this night forever," I demanded. "And can I get a copy of that song?"
He stopped and smiled at me, "Sure. Ok." He moved on to the next candle and spoke again, "I was like... I felt like a little kid, I got so into setting this up for you. I'm so glad you liked it."
I pulled on his shoulder to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him, "Oh Jerry, this was so... I can't tell you how much this meant to me." He sat the crate down and we embraced.
After a warm kiss, he pulled my head away from him with both hands and looked at me, "I had to..." He had a serious, almost grave look, "It was seeing Tyson."
I waited patiently while he organized his thoughts. I could see the struggle to say it the right way as he continued, "Seeing him with you... like, when he touched your face and called you `baby' out there in front of everyone, like he didn't care what anyone else thought, like he was proud of loving you and didn't care if anyone else could see it..." he paused in thought.
"I thought about how I was looking at things. I realized I wasn't looking at this the right way. I mean, I knew I was totally, completely in love with you, and that I had to get you back... But I wasn't thinking of... well when I would picture us together, it's like, knowing we had to keep it hidden from everyone, it kinda made it so I wasn't picturing all the little things. I just never thought of how two guys can show how in love they are, like everyone else in love does." He showed a little sadness for what we both knew was the reality of being gay in a straight world.
He leaned down and kissed me, "You deserve all of that. You deserve all the little things I can do to show you how much I love you. We may hafta keep being gay a secret to most of the world, in our own private little `club', but I can show you my love in lotsa ways."
He rolled his eyes and laughed a little, "I tried to think of every `romantic gesture' I ever heard of for tonight." Then he looked away, "I guess... I mean... I was still a little insecure, too... a little worried about what you might still feel for Tyson... so I wanted to, like, `sweep you off your feet' I guess," he looked back at me with a slight, hopeful grin.
"It's like, today in the boiler room, opening up and saying all those things, putting all my feelings out in words... all that kinda brought it all home for me, y'know?" He shook his head slowly, "And, and it's like... I know I almost blew it. I almost lost you... an' I'm so scared of losing you again." He blinked, resisting tears forming. "Just the thought of losing you hurts-- I mean it actually hurts, in my gut, in my chest," he thumped his heart with his fist.
"I have to know that you know how much I love you, or I won't get any sleep at night. And I can show you I love you... just like he can, an' I don't care what anyone else thinks." He smiled shyly and added, "Every single day," thinking he might sound corny.
"You did, Jerry. You swept me off my feet in a big way." I smiled my love to him. "But you didn't have to worry about Ty. You've got me." We stared into each other's eyes and I hoped he could see how certain I was of that.
I smiled at the recall and reminded him of it, "Remember that first night in your room, when I told you I was giving you my body and soul, and you said what you really wanted was my heart? I told you then: You already had it. And that was what I realized this afternoon; even with all the things pulling me in the other direction, my fears, my hurt, and Tyson... you had it all along, and I simply couldn't resist you. You own my heart. It's your possession. I can't conceive of not loving you."
I think he finally felt totally secure in `us' in that moment. He smiled and blinked tears back as he caressed my face and I kissed his hand.
I was shouting at the top of my lungs, but no sound escaped my lips as I focused on the flame. I was desperately trying to run and tackle him, but not a muscle of mine was moving a fraction of an inch. I was begging him to blow it out, begging him to forgive me, begging him to not hate me, begging him to try and understand...
Tyson was focused on the blue and yellow flame of the match inches from his eyes, while he poured the last drops of a gasoline can over his head with his other hand. The flame was in the direct line of vision between us and he slowly changed his focus to look into my eyes with a defeated sadness that killed my soul.
He spoke with that same tone of voice and attitude he'd used when he told me all the things he'd been through, in the car on the way back from Galveston that rainy day; kind of ironic, too upbeat for what he was talking about.
"Hard livin', hard dyin', dude." He stared again at the flame as it burned ever closer to his finger and thumb. "Ya might as well get on outta here... unless you wanna watch."
I screamed as loud as I could. Still nothing. But I know he had to be able to see the horror in my eyes as he let the match go. It tumbled as it fell; and suddenly, I was right in front of the flame, within an inch of it. I watched as the vapors rising from his jeans met the flame and ignited in a `whoosh' that I could hear, everything going into the transparent blue tinged inferno...
"NO!" I was in a run, legs twisted in my blankets as I flailed off the edge of my bed and hit the floor hard, sprawling.
My parents were there faster than I would have thought possible, turning on the overhead light and blinding all of us.
"What's wrong?!" Dad yelled as he almost fell over me.
"Oh God, it was so real!" I cried breathlessly as I realized I was in my own room.
Dad reached down to help me up as he realized I had just had a bad dream. I stood wobbling in my underwear, kicking the blankets off my ankles, shaking from the dream.
"Nightmare, huh?" He asked, clasping my shoulder to steady me.
I was about to just brush it off, but my emotions got the best of me and I blurted out, "It was worse than a nightmare! He set himself on fire!" I tried to keep from crying.
"Who did?" Mom asked.
"Well you know it was just a bad dream, hon," Mom had the most soothing, musical voice. "It's not too surprising you'd have a bad dream about him, since he's just disappeared and all... well... with everything unresolved between you and him."
"Try and get back to sleep, bud. Maybe you won't have any more bad dreams," Dad said as I sat down on the edge on my bed, shaking, but not crying.
"But it was so damn real! And... and dreams are different now! I mean, I saw Celia and Tyson in my dream before I even met them! It's like... it could be real! He might have done this!"
"Nah, bud," he kneaded my shoulder comfortingly. "It was just a nightmare. Tyson is bound to be alright. He's a survivor. He'll contact you soon, I'm sure. Now try and get some sleep. It is a school day tomorrow, and you've missed several days recently."
I wondered if they knew about the extra two days I stayed home back when...
"Ok. But it felt so real!"
"You want me to sit with you for awhile?" Mom asked.
"You've got to be kidding, Mom! I'm not a baby anymore! I'm eighteen!" I realized I was a little too harsh by the slightly hurt look in her eyes, and softened my voice a lot, "But thanks just the same, Mom."
She smiled and they turned out the light, closed the door and went back to bed.
I lay there, agonizing about Ty. I felt so bad about how it had gone. I just had to find him, but had no idea how to do that. I just had to talk to him, had to try somehow to explain...
I was drifting in and out of consciousness, running the dream over and over in my head, running the afternoon scene of him saying dejectedly, over and over again, "Fuck it. Fuck it. F-F-Fuck it. F-F-F-F-Fuck it-it-it-it." Turning and walking away, walking faster and faster each time it played; after awhile, just disappearing as soon as he said it and turned.
"You ok this morning?" Mom asked as she looked at my puffy eyes, lounging in her nightgown, coffee cup poised at her lips. Apparently she was off today, or she would be just about ready to go to work. Her days off varied constantly. Dad was already gone.
"Yeah, well..." I sat in the chair opposite her, scowling at the Houston Chronicle strewn across the table. More people moving here every day. A thousand people a week. Mind boggling when you stopped and thought about it. Some of those people hated me and had never even seen me. "I'm really scared of what might happen today at school."
She sat her coffee down and reached for my hand, "What does Jerry plan to do to... deflect it?" She asked. I had told them how Sharon Ogilvie and others had witnessed our scene yesterday and how worried I was about it going all over school.
"Shit, I don't-- sorry. Man, I don't know what he's gonna do."
She was incredulous, "You didn't discuss this last night?"
I got a dreamy look in my eyes and said, "No, last night was... it was... He wrote me a poem, Mom," I said as if that was a reasonable explanation. "He had candles everywhere. It was the most romantic evening..." I trailed off, momentarily lost in the memory of last night. Mom had an uncomfortable, albeit knowing smile on her lips, but her eyes were only full of concern.
I snapped out of it and adjusted my jeans under the table. My budding arousal withered as I came back to the school dilemma. "Man, I'm so scared of what could happen. Someone could hurt him! It would take several of them at once, to get to him, but... Man, I don't know what to do!"
"You'd better worry about what they could do to you, Danny!" She was getting more worried for me by the second, as it sank in just what the possibilities were. She declared, "I'm going to go talk to the principal."
"Oh God NO, Mom!" I yelled. "No! You can't do that!" My eyes were wide with panic.
She gradually realized why her plan didn't make sense. "Yeah, you're right. That wouldn't help anything. Daniel, please be very, very careful. If anyone tries to do anything, don't try to fight back-- just run like hell and get help, ok?"
I scowled at the newspapers again, "Yeah, run like hell. Just like Huntsville. Run, run, run," I mumbled in disgust.
She fretted for a minute and said, "If it gets... dangerous or anything, we can arrange for you to finish out your classes at home or something. But I don't think... I hope it won't come to that."
Just before Homeroom, Mr. Janke informed me with a huge smile that Jerry had just asked for me to tutor him again. I blushed and grinned from ear to ear, saying all I needed to say with my eyes. He seemed genuinely happy to see this development, giving me a subtle wink. I had just missed Jerry, and I didn't see him until after first period.
So far, nothing out of the ordinary had happened, so I was beginning to relax a little. We walked together for only a minute, trying to talk casually about his assignments, and he slipped a note under the cover of one of my books. He oh-so-casually said, "See ya later." And turned down the hall to his next class. I watched him walk away and started getting a boner.
I felt a hand on my arm and about jumped out of my shoes. I was startled to see a gorgeous guy with short, jet black hair and bright green eyes standing way too close to me.
"Wha--?" I stumbled backwards and he moved in close again.
"Hi. I'm Dave. Dave Hansard. And you're Danny," he informed me with a wavering smile.
"Uhhh..." I know the `fight or flight' panic showed in my eyes and on my face. I had no idea what he might do. He looked and sounded friendly so far, but I was paranoid, and he was much bigger than I. Actually, he was similar in size to Tyson, thin but muscular, well defined.
"Hey, relax, dude," he said, nervously as hell, but still smiling. "I'm a... I'm on the swim team with Jerry Loring. I'm a friend of his." He looked around the emptying hallway and continued, "I just wanted to meet you." He lowered his voice to a whisper, "I... heard some things."
My eyes grew wide again and I backed away from him in terror.
"I'm not-- it's not-- it's ok, dude," he reached out and put his hand on my arm again, looked furtively around and smiled that nervous smile again, "I'm a friend, ok?"
I nodded my head `yes' in confusion. I couldn't figure out what he was trying to say, what his motivation for doing this was. The ominous sound of `heard some things' crowded everything else out in my mind. The final bell rang and we both realized we were late for class. He let my arm go, half turned and said, "Talk to ya later, Danny, ok?"
I stared like an idiot into his green, green eyes and vaguely nodded `ok'. He took off in a run down the hall. I stood and watched him, wondering what the hell just happened.
His beautiful face and eyes haunted me until just before lunch, when I remembered noticing him the day Barry and I interviewed the stars of the swim team for the school paper, two days after we interviewed Jerry for the basketball team. Dave was new to the team then, so he wasn't interviewed; but he was one of the first guys I noticed when we arrived and I was struck by how gorgeous he was in his amply filled Speedo.
Then I'd seen Jerry. Well, Dave and all the others had just slipped off my radar after that. I didn't hear the term `gaydar' until a couple of years later.
Jerry's lunch overlapped mine for the first half hour and his note had told me to meet him by D Building; and that he loved me, of course. When we saw each other, he motioned me to follow him to his car.
"Why you so quiet, baby?" He asked on the way to Burger King.
"Umm, Dave Hansard stopped me in the hall. He said he wanted to meet me."
He looked at me with raised eyebrows, "Dave Hansard talked to you?"
"Yeah, right after you gave me that note in the hallway this morning. He came up and introduced himself and said he was your friend." I looked at Jerry with panic in my eyes, "He said he `heard some things'! But he said it like, like, `don't worry, I'm your friend' type thing. It really freaked me out, Jerry!"
"Wow. Dave Hansard, huh?" He shook his head and chuckled. He rubbed his chin, "Dave. Hmmm."
"What?! He could cause a lot of problems, Jerry!"
"Oh, I don't think we hafta worry about Dave Hansard causing us problems." He looked at me and winked, "Dave is the only guy who's ever pretty much outright `came onto me' before. He's good lookin' too, don't ya think?"
I relaxed a little and mumbled, "Yeah, he's very good looking." I blushed and Jerry laughed. I asked, "But you didn't do anything with him when he came onto you?"
"Nah. But he's the only one who ever made me really want to, before you. But I was too... I dunno... I guess I wanted him to be even more obvious before I'd take the risk, know what I mean? Like, he was actually pretty up front about it, without saying the words, but I was just too paranoid. I mean, we're on the swim team together, and it would be really fucked up if I misread his signals or somethin'; so I ignored him. I think I hurt his feelings or somethin' and I feel really bad about that; but I didn't know what to do, where to go from there at the time, y'know?"
He pulled into the drive-through line of cars. "Dave Hansard, huh? Heard some things? That's how he said it? Just like that?"
"Yeah, those were his exact words. He was saying he wanted to be my friend. I was too freaked out to say anything back to him. What should I do if he wants to talk to me again?"
Jerry shrugged his shoulders, "Well, I guess just be friendly to him. He's a really nice guy, really cool. But, I guess he really is gay, though, huh? He must've heard about yesterday and wants to be friends with you cuz... Shit. If he's already heard it... Fuck," he scowled.
"No shit. But nobody's said anything bad or anything at all, so far-- at least to me."
"No one's said anything to me yet, either. I noticed a couple a strange looks from this one guy, John Belzer, though. But I couldn't say they were, like, bad looks... I don't know what I'd call them. I haven't seen Brenda. I wonder if she showed up today."
"Ooh, did you ever call her last night?"
"Yeah, I did, just before you got there. Man, I knew she wouldn't be home yet, and that's why I called then. I just wasn't really ready to talk to her yet, y'know? I unplugged the phones when you pulled up. I need a little time to think this out, like, how to handle the talk, as people find out. I will talk with her up front, as soon as I can figure out what to say."
"What about Dave? Whaddaya think he wants? You think he just wants to be friends? You don't think he wants... more than that?"
"What? Oh, you mean..." He gritted his jaw. "Nah, well, I dunno... He better not," he mumbled as he gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles.
We got our food and drove on out to the County Park on Highway 3 to eat. He pulled over in a fairly secluded spot in the trees and parked. There were only two other cars in the whole park, and they were at the other end.
I pointed out that his lunch was already just about over and he laughed it off, "I'm having lunch with my baby. Fuck class!" He laughed, then added, "I have Coach Pasternack for Government after lunch. You remember; he's my basketball coach, and I get an `A' in his class, even if I'm not there once in awhile."
I nodded, "Must be nice. So... what're we gonna do if people start shit about this? I never told you about what happened to me back in sixth grade, when kids started calling me a faggot and beatin' the shit outta me. I'm scared as hell, Jerry!"
He looked at me with determination in his features and took my hand, keeping it low across the console between us, "I'll kill anyone who tries to fuck with you, baby. You don't hafta worry about that shit. If anyone says anything to you, just tell me an' I'll kick their ass. I'll put `em in the fuckin' hospital at least."
Chills went down my spine and I had to admit to myself how much I got off to his bravado-- especially knowing he could back it up. It made me want to climb down between his legs and suck his dick. Crass, sure, but that's what I thought-- but hell, I always wanted to be sucking on his dick. Anyway, I did feel protected. But at the same time, he couldn't be with me all the time.
We ate our burgers and drank our Cokes in silence, thinking about all these different things that had happened in such a short time. When he wadded up his burger wrapper, I noticed at the same moment as he, that a drop of mayo had fallen right on his crotch. He picked up a napkin to wipe it up, but I grabbed his arm and glanced around us to make sure no one was nearby.
A big grin came over him as he saw the playful look on my face. I darted my head down and licked the mayo off his jeans and mouthed his instantly responding cock through the denim. He stretched out in his seat, raising his hips slightly and reclined the seat back so I wouldn't keep hitting my head on the steering wheel.
Honestly, I swear I was only going to lick the mayo off his jeans! But as I felt him stir beneath my mouth, I lost any sense of caution I had, unzipped him and struggled to pry the behemoth out of his pants. Directly in front of my eyes, with the dappled sunlight through the trees playing on it, I couldn't help but think it was the most awesome, beautiful thing in the world. I loved it, I loved him, and I didn't want to have to ever think about anything but loving him.
I nibbled, kissed and licked on it for a few seconds, lapping at the nutritious precum, then sucked him off in less than two minutes. His jizz was my dessert injection for lunch and I sat back afterwards very happy and full, licking my lips like a cat. As far as I'm concerned, cum is part of a well balanced lunch, the fifth food group-- or would it be `dairy'?
Jerry was flush and breathing hard when I finished licking him clean. "Goddamn!" He panted, "Goddamn!" He looked at me with stars in his eyes and said, "Damn, baby, how do you do it? How do you blow my mind every single time we do anything?!" He fanned his face just like I had last night on the stairs. "You turn a quickie blowjob into an experience!" He laughed and I beamed, still swirling the last traces of his cum around in my mouth, savoring it, not wanting to drink or taste anything else for as long as I could.
He reached over and felt my rigid pocket rocket, looked around like I had and started to lean over. I stopped him and said, "No, stud. I wanna just leave here with what just happened in my mind. I don't wanna cum or anything. I just wanna go the rest of the day horny, remembering this. Anyway, we gotta get back."
Jerry looked disappointed at first, then he watched my eyes and nodded his head. A sublimely contented look took over and he smiled as he nodded. "Man, d'you know how awesome you are? How sexy you are?" He kept nodding as he spoke, "D'you know how I can't think of anything but you? All the time? I mean, nothin' else matters to me anymore." He waved his hand to encompass our surroundings, "I don't give a shit about anything else anymore. All that matters is I wanna be with you all the time."
I looked at him from the same constellation and said, "I still hafta pinch myself to know this isn't a dream." We stared into each other's eyes for a couple of minutes, silent, holding hands across the console. I've never been comfortable staring into anyone's eyes for long before, but I couldn't seem to get enough of it with Jerry.
On the way back to school, he said, "Uh, I have a real short practice drill with the swim team after my last class. Wanna come watch?"
I looked at him like he was crazy, "You have to ask?! Of course I wanna come watch!" I rubbed my hands together excitedly. Then I frowned and asked, "Uh... but will Dave Hansard be there? I dunno if I'm ready to see him yet."
"Nah, this is only for the Relay Team. He just barely missed being on it, cuz we have such a great team this year and it was full." He glanced at me as he navigated a turn, "Y'know, ya don't hafta worry about him, Danny, he's really cool. If I hadn't been paranoid of the sex thing with him, I think we woulda been good friends."
"Yeah, well, I just don't know what to say to `im, y'know?"
We got back to school and walked the deserted commons til we had to separate. Glancing around quickly, he pulled me off between some cement posts where two buildings almost met, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me, hard. When he pulled back, I was breathing raggedly and felt my briefs dampening around my arousal again.
"We gotta be careful..." I protested weakly, while swimming in his eyes.
"Fuck that!" he motioned around us with his head, "Fuck ALL OF THEM!" He pulled me in tighter to him with both hands on my ass, my arms up around his neck. "They're the ones with the problem, not us."
"I love you, Jerry Loring," I whispered.
"I love you too, studling." He smiled.
We kissed a couple more smacks, struggled with letting go of each other and went to our classes, walking on air, neither caring that we were late by seven minutes. Aside from the entire class looking strangely at me for being late, nothing unusual was said to me through my last two periods.
There was a recessed balcony in the middle of one side overlooking the pool; so I could watch Jerry swim from a rarely noticed vantage point. I walked down the steps to the second aisle from the cement railing, the pervasive smell of chlorine assaulting my nostrils as the noise of coach's whistles, splashing and hyper-teen spirit echoed around the cavernous room.
There were two women coaches sitting together, writing on clipboards up in the back row of the tiered, theatre style curved wooden seats when I arrived; but they left after about five minutes. I was sitting there with a boner, watching Jerry and his teammates go through their paces, when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up to see Dave Hansard moving sideways down the aisle to sit next to me.
I froze, and the fine hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I was trapped alone with him in the thirty seat balcony. He smiled as he sat down. "Hey. Didn't expect to see you here, considering..."
I realized when he said it that being here probably wasn't a very smart thing to do if we wanted to keep the rumors down. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a little grin, "Oh well."
He started to say something else, but stopped, looking down on the pool. I fixed my eyes on the pool as well, wondering what to do, acutely aware of his arm touching mine on the wooden armrest between us.
After two or three minutes, sounding as casual as he could, he said "Hard not to get wood, watching all these hot guys in their Speedo's, huh."
I looked at him with mild shock and arched eyebrows. He chuckled at my reaction and glanced down at my receding, but still obvious tent. He looked back up and used his eyes to draw mine down to his gray sweat pants. His dick was hard and pointing up to his belly. He made it jerk a couple of times for my benefit, I suppose. It was pretty big, too. A lot thicker than mine, but not nearly as big as Jerry's. I stared at it dumbly, for I don't know how long.
I have to admit it. I have to admit that I really wanted to touch it. Ok, I've admitted it. I wasn't about to act on it, though. But, he was a gorgeous guy! He was one of those guys who just exudes sexuality; it just pours off of him no matter what he's doing. And sitting there, showing me his erection under his sweats, with that naturally sultry look on his olive toned face and in those emerald eyes... It was more tempting than I'd like to admit.
But I really didn't think he wanted me to touch it. I got that he was just trying to erase my fears about him by showing me graphically that he was batting for the team with all the bats. I wondered if he made all of his points in such a dramatic way. I don't know what I would have done if he had pulled the cloth down to expose his bat, though.
After an eon of staring at his twitching manhood, I tore my eyes away from it and looked up. He still had that hopeful smile on his face, and I was speechless. But I managed a wisp of a smile and a nod, to let him know I got it and wasn't afraid of him anymore. I could see him trying to think of something else to say to ease the awkwardness, but he couldn't, and neither could I, so we both turned to watch the swimmers. When I looked down there, my heart jumped into my throat.
Jerry was standing well behind the others as the coach was talking to the team. His head was turned staring up at us with concern on his face, jaw set tightly. I guess we both grinned at him-- me, very sheepishly and maybe guiltily-- and he worked through about three or four expressions before settling on a little grin in return, before turning his attention back to the coach.
After a couple of minutes, Dave spoke quietly, startling me, "You're one fuckin' lucky dude, ya know that?"
"You're one fuckin' lucky dude, Danny." He nodded down to the pool, "I guess..." he kept nodding as he spoke, keeping his eyes on the guys, "I guess I can go ahead an' say it... now."
I looked at him and saw distinct sadness in his profile as I waited for him to continue. I had to lean toward him to hear when he did. "I've been in love with him for a long time, Danny," he paused, trying to decide if he regretted saying it. My jaw fell slack and my ears burned. I guess he decided he couldn't `un-say' it, so he might as well trudge on with the rest, "I've never wanted anyone so badly in my life. I loved him so bad it hurts." He looked at me again, with very obvious pain in haunted eyes and croaked out, "But you got him."
I had no fucking clue how to respond to that. I think I got my mouth to close though. At least I didn't detect any bitterness in his voice or eyes. After a moment, he continued, "Man, I woulda done anything to get him to love me. I took big risks to let him know I wanted him. And I was pretty sure he wanted `something' too, but he was too paranoid to do anything about it. And he..." He winced like he'd been pinched hard or something, "He let me know he wasn't gonna..."
He sat up and leaned toward me, grabbing my arm, "Hey, I'm not-- don't think I'm gonna go for him now or nothin', ok? I'm not gonna try an' steal your man from you. I wouldn't be telling you this if I was." He paused, trying to gauge by my reaction whether I believed him or not. I don't know that I showed any reaction, but he let go of my arm and settled back in his seat.
"I've been watchin' him real close since you started tutoring him, cuz I could see the change in him from the day it started. I'm in his English class and he told me about you. I saw how different he was, how much happier he acted until... I guess y'all had a fight an' broke up." He shook his head slowly, "Man, I dunno if you saw how much it tore him up this whole time, but I sure did. He was a fuckin' basket case over you, dude. He couldn't even function while y'all were broke up. He didn't get any sleep and got a bad attitude. Coach almost kicked him off the team a couple of times. That's why I stayed and came up here to watch this," he indicated the drill in progress.
"I was heading in with the water polo team to shower as the relay team was heading out to the pool. Coach pulled Randy Blake to the side and I heard him tell Randy he could have `third position' in the final meet in Beaumont, if Jerry couldn't pull it together for this drill. Jerry would be busted down to alternate. Coach knows I heard him, so I couldn't go warn Jerry. But at least it looks like he's back on his stroke, from what I can see." He nodded towards the pool again, but still held my gaze.
His eyes narrowed, "I don't mind tellin' ya, now, that I was so fucking tempted to go to him during that-- but I didn't. And the reason I didn't is because it was so fuckin' obvious to me he was totally in love, and miserable without you. I didn't figure he could even think about anyone else as long as he was that ate up about you. So I was really glad when I saw this mornin' that you obviously worked it out. I mean, I want him to be happy, y'know?"
I just stared dumbly at him for a long moment.
He slumped down in his seat and mumbled, "I don't know why I told you all this," he gestured uncertainly with his hands. "I guess... I dunno." The sadness retook his features, "I guess I just needed to say it to somebody." He faced out again and a tear leaked out of his eye. "Man, it's so fuckin' lonely, y'know? Havin' t' hide who you are, always scared a bein' found out, scared a makin' the wrong move, never bein' able to talk to anyone about what you feel inside." He leaned his head back, shut his eyes tightly and took a deep breath.
It was apparent that it was even more painful than he thought it would be to put these thoughts and feelings into words; but I could tell he desperately needed to. "Then... then on top of it all, ya fall in love with someone who don't love you back-- and you can't say a fuckin' thing to him about it..." He shook his head sadly, "It's so fuckin' hard to be this way..." His face contorted as he bowed his head and covered his eyes with his hand, trying to fight the tears back, but he couldn't, and his shoulders jerked with his sobs.
Tears rolled down my cheeks too, because I understood. I knew exactly what he was feeling, the unrequited love and the pain and the fear and the desolation of being different, feeling utterly alone. I reached over and put my hand on his arm, looking out over the pool. He cried silently in the noisy room where every sound bounced around several times before dying out. I felt like I had to say something to him,
"Dave... I know what you're feeling. Boy, do I know. Living in fear every day of being found out-- it affects everything you do. I know how it feels to be paranoid every single day that today will be the day you slip and it all comes out, and everyone will hate you and take you down." He looked up through his tears, glancing out to make sure no one could see him crying. And I thought bitterly, `God forbid anyone should see a guy crying, showing emotion, vulnerability. That would mean he was weak, a sissy, probably a fucking queer. It would justify cruelty and even violence in their minds. And they call us sick.'
Dave and I made a deep connection in that moment, as we looked into each other's eyes. There was such a gratitude and relief that he had found someone who was just like him, who understood all he felt. There was that spark of hope in his eyes that made my heart melt for him. I just knew we would be friends for life.
When I continued, I addressed the unrequited love, to let him know I had felt that too, but also to make sure he understood how deeply I loved Jerry, that this was not your average high school `break up and make up' thing for me.
"After we broke up-- and I won't get into how and why that happened right now-- I was still so in love with him and was pretty well convinced he didn't love me... wasn't sure at that point if he ever really did."
I debated whether I wanted to say it to someone I just met; but he had shared his deepest pain with me, and I had a gut feeling I could trust him, so I went ahead, "I almost killed myself. I mean, I was about to do it, but a friend saved me. I couldn't believe how much I loved him and needed his love." I said just above a whisper, "I love him so much it scares me."
Dave nodded understanding and I said, "I definitely know what it's like to be in love with Jerry Loring and think he doesn't love you back," I smiled wryly. "Fortunately for me, he did love me back the whole time, and finally came and got me," I chuckled at how I'd put it, then caught myself, "Sorry, I know that's not comforting for you. I just wanted you to know that I know how it feels."
More tears rolled down his cheeks and he squeezed my hand, "I envy you, Danny. I'm happy for you, but I'm so jealous it hurts. But I really do wanna be your friend, and his." He studied the back of the seat in front of him, "I've been wondering if I could be just a friend to him now, knowing you two were together. I didn't know if I could handle bein' around him, knowin' now for sure he was gay all this time, but now he's `taken'."
He smiled and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, sniffling, "But I know I can handle it now. After meeting you, I know I can be happy for y'all, and I know I can get over my jealousy." He forced a small chuckle and added, "It'd be so great just to have two friends I could talk to about things and not feel so alone. I'm so excited about that thought, it kinda makes up for missing him the other way."
"I'm glad you came up to me today, Dave. I wanna be your friend too. We both know what it's like to be lonely and have no one to talk to-- especially about all this."
"Oh man, I'm so embarrassed for crying like a baby in front of you. You must think I'm some kinda fuckin' wimp." He looked away and finished wiping his eyes dry, sniffling.
"Dave, I've cried a lifetime's worth of tears in the last month or so. I'm officially the biggest fucking crybaby in Texas!" I laughed.
He smiled a grateful smile and we just looked into each other's eyes for a moment, finding trust and the beginnings of friendship. Then I remembered this morning and asked him, "Uh, you said you `heard some things.' What exactly did you hear?"
"Uh, I just heard these two girls talking in the hall after homeroom. I was walking behind them and couldn't hear everything. When one of them said Jerry's name I started really listening. She asked the other girl if she'd heard anything about Jerry almost getting in a fight about some guy. The other one said no, she hadn't heard anything. So the first one said she didn't know much, just something about a three-way argument going on with some stoner and someone else and they almost got in a fight. She said no one knows who the other two guys are. Then they went into the girl's john, so that's all I heard." He looked at me all curious, "So what was that all about? Who's the stoner?"
I sighed heavily, "Oh man, it's a loooong story."
As soon as the last word came out of my mouth, the coach blew the whistle signaling the end of practice. Those in the water climbed out and they all filed through the door underneath us heading to the showers, all rowdy and hyped up, laughing and slapping each other on the back and ass. Just before he disappeared from view under the balcony railing, Jerry looked up at us again with a curious look. I smiled a happy smile at him.
It seemed we had a new member in our little gay club.