I'm full of regret
For all things that I've done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face 'round here
Tangled, Maroon 5
Jason awoke Monday feeling strong arms around him. He snuggled back against Kyle, who was sound asleep and spooned around him. When he heard Kyle mumble something unintelligible in his sleep, he rolled over, watching his lover's sleeping body. What had he done to earn this man's love? The fact that Kyle loved him and was willing to put up with all this shit simply amazed him.
He looked at the clock on the nightstand; it would be another hour before the alarm went off, but he knew he would not be able to go back to sleep, so he silently got out of bed and padded to the kitchen. As he stood waiting for the coffee to brew, he felt Kyle's strong arms embrace him from behind.
"What are you doing up so early?"
"I don't know, couldn't sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you," Jason leaned back against his lover.
"You didn’t,” Kyle turned him around to look into his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just can’t sleep.”
“Beating yourself up again?”
Jason sighed then nodded looking down at the floor.
“Hey,” Kyle placed his fingers under Jason’s chin, raising the blond’s face back up so that once again he was looking into those blue eyes. “It will work out.”
“I just feel like I have wasted so much of my life hiding and lying.”
“You can’t undo the past, you can only move forward. Don’t dwell on it.”
Jason nodded. That was easier said than done.
Sitting at his desk, Jason felt as though the walls were closing in. He had been sitting there for nearly an hour and a half and had barely gotten any work done at all. He couldn't concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time, he was antsy and fidgety. Finally, he gave up and cleared his desk; sitting there trying to pretend his life wasn't falling apart wasn’t getting him anywhere.
"Charles?" He knocked on his boss's office door. "Um, I think I’m going to go home and lie down."
"You don't look so good, Jason. You okay?" Charles knew something was going on, Jason's productivity was down and he obviously was not himself. Ever since he had come back from Rochester, he had seemed distracted. Charles didn’t know what was going on, but he knew he couldn’t afford to lose Jason right now. He and Kyle were bringing in most of the new accounts and the clients loved them, not to mention their ideas.
"Yeah, I think it's just a touch of the flu. I'm hoping a day in bed will get me back on my feet."
"Okay, get to feeling better then."
He walked down the hall to Kyle's office.
Kyle looked up. "What's up?" He noted that Jason looked like shit, but decided that stating it would do no good.
"Is it okay if I go back to your place to lay down?"
"Yeah, sure. You don’t have to ask that," he stood up while pulling his keys from his pocket. "You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, just can't handle being here right now."
Kyle rolled his lips into his mouth. "Here," he handed his keys to Jason. "We need to get a key made for you."
Jason nodded, any other time those words would have made his heart soar, but he was feeling too low to soar anywhere. "Thanks." He turned to leave.
He turned back looking at Kyle.
"Should I be worried about you?" It was a stupid question, he already was worried, but he wanted to reach out, make sure Jason knew he was there for him.
"No, I just need some time to think. I'll see you when you come home for lunch."
Jason started to turn away again.
Jason eyes looked up into Kyle's.
"I care about you," it was barely a whisper, but it brought a shy smile to Jason's lips. It was the closest Kyle had come to sharing his feeling so far.
"I care about you too."
Jason let himself into the apartment and went straight to the bedroom to change his clothes. He lay down on the bed for a while staring at the ceiling. He kept thinking of all the years he had wasted trying to be straight, all the energy he had put into the lie. He wondered how he would ever tell his parents he had left Sara, and was now living with Kyle. But were he and Kyle living together? Or was Kyle just letting him stay there because he had no other place to go? Then there was Sara; just how badly had he fucked up her life? Did she hate him now? Could she ever understand he didn’t mean to hurt her?
He grew restless lying there, finally moving to the sofa. He reached for the remote and began flipping through the channels. In no time that grew old too. He turned off the set, tossed the remote onto the chair, grabbed his coat, slipped on his shoes, and went out the door. Once out on the street he began walking with no thoughts of a destination.
After many blocks of trying to get away from the thoughts in his head, he stopped to sit on a bench. Pulling out his cell, he pushed in the numbers.
"Kathy. It's Jason."
"Oh, hi, Jase. How are you?"
"Fine." He hated being called Jase. "I was wondering if you have talked to Sara today."
"No, not today. I went down there Saturday when you called."
"How was she?"
"Well, I don't know what's going on between you two. She refused to discuss it, but I gathered from that phone call she made to you that she was plenty pissed."
"What phone call?"
"Saturday night. When she called you and told you to fuck off."
"She didn't call me Kathy."
"Well she was sure pissed at someone."
"Well, it wasn’t me.” Jason tried to redirect the conversation, “So you haven't talked to her since Saturday?"
"No, but listen to me Jason, whatever you did, you just need to call her up and talk it out."
Jason rubbed his hand over his face. Kathy always drove him crazy, "Yeah, Kathy. Okay, thanks."
He sat staring at his shoes thinking over what he had just learned. He knew damn well who Sara had called. Picking his cell back up he dialed Kyle's office.
"Why didn't you tell me she called?" he heard Kyle sigh.
"I didn't think you needed any more grief."
"Did she ask to talk to me?"
"No, she just asked if you were with me and if you were okay."
"And?" he knew there was more.
"I told her I was sorry," Kyle said softly.
"And she told you to fuck off," it wasn't a question.
"I have broad shoulders. I can take it."
"So you talked to her?"
"Sara? No, I called her friend Kathy; the one I asked to look after her Saturday night"
"Why don't you call her, Jason?" Kyle knew he was worried sick about her. "It might make you feel better."
"Or not," he snorted, then quietly, "I'm afraid of what she might say."
"It might make her feel better."
Jason sighed, he doubted it but what the hell. It wasn’t like he could feel a lot worse right now. "Yeah, okay. Maybe I will.”
"Where are you?" He could hear the traffic in the background.
"I went for a walk."
"Jason, I know it sucks right now, but things will work out."
"Yeah. I know. See you in a couple of hours."
Jason began walking back to the apartment. Once there, he shed his coat and sat back down on the sofa. Sighing deeply, he took out his phone and called Sara.
She was sitting at what used to be their kitchen table when her phone rang. She saw Jason's name on her caller ID. Sucking in a deep breath she picked up the receiver.
"How are you?"
She snorted, "Fine, and you?"
"The same. Listen Sara, I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to hurt you. Please don't hate me."
She softened at his plea, they’d been friends/lovers/spouses for so long. "Jason, I don't hate you. I don't blame you for being gay. I guess I really can't blame you for not coming out before; I mean, the way you were raised and all. But why didn't you tell me? I mean, sometime during all our years together you could have confided in me."
"I don’t know, Sara. I wasn’t ready and, hell I couldn't even admit it to myself until the last couple of months."
"But, if just once you would have said to me, 'I think I might be,'" by now she was sobbing.
"Sara, don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to work out this way. I never meant for you to get hurt."
There were both silent for a long moment, neither knowing what to say to make it better, they were too far apart right now to be any help to one another.
"I miss you," Sara whispered.
That was when the tears began running down Jason's checks. "I miss you too."
"Listen Jason, you're gonna have to give me some time, okay? This is a lot for me. Give me some time to adjust, okay?"
"So I'll talk to you later then."
"Wait, don’t hang up. Sara?"
"Um, if you, um, if you need anything..."
"Yeah, I know. Bye Jason," and she was gone.
"Fuck!" he shouted as he threw the cell across the room.
"Jason? Are you there? Pick up?" Kyle's voice came through the speaker on the answering machine. "I tried your cell. Where are you?" After a pause he continued, "Listen, I'm gonna have to skip lunch today. Fred with Kensington is having a fit over their new ads, so I'm gonna stay here to see if I can get it straightened out... So… I'll see you tonight. Um, call me when you get this."
Jason pulled the pillow over his head as he heard Kyle's voice. He really should be there. He was slacking off and Kyle was handling the accounts on his own; but Jason couldn't get himself to care. What good would it do to go in? He was useless right now. He felt like a total fuck up. He had fucked his own life, and managed to fuck up Sara’s now too.
It was close to six when Kyle finally left the office. He really needed to stay later but he was worried about Jason. He hadn't talked to him since that morning. He had left a few messages on Jason's cell and the answering machine at home but Jason had yet to return his calls.
Charles caught him as he was walking out the door of his office. "Kyle, hey. Calling it good?"
“I probably shouldn’t pry, but is everything okay with Jason? I’m getting a little concerned, he seems a little off his game lately; that’s not like him, you know?”
“Oh. Yeah, well you should probably discuss it with him,” Kyle wasn’t comfortable having this conversation.
“Are he and Sara having problems, do you know?”
“Yeah, they are, but I really think you should ask him, Charles.”
“I see and you’re right. That’s too bad, a damn shame; they seemed like they were a nice couple, but there you go. Well, I appreciate all the work you are putting in. I mean, I know you are having to cover a lot for him.”
“I’m sure he’d do the same for me.”
Charles nodded, “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
When Kyle finally reached his apartment, he found the door unlocked. He walked in noticing all the lights were off. The red light on the answering machine was still blinking. He flipped on the light and saw Jason’s coat on the back of the chair.
He began a room-by-room search and found Jason in a lump under the covers in bed.
“Hey. What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay. You want something to eat? I’m starving.”
“You want me to leave you alone?”
Jason closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m just, I am such a coward. I have wasted my whole life hiding who I am. And now I have hurt Sara, the one person who has been there for me and loved me, and this is the way I repay her. Yeah, I’m sorry, I just want to be alone.”
Kyle leaned over and kissed his forehead, hoping that the Garbo act wouldn’t last too long. “Sara will be okay. You’re doing the right thing coming out, Jason. I know it’s hard to face all this, but you are doing the right thing. Now, I’m gonna go fix a sandwich, when you feel up to it come keep me company.”
Kyle woke up the next morning with a kink in his neck. He had fallen asleep on the sofa almost as soon as he lay down and had inadvertently slept there all night. He looked at the clock.
“Shit,” he was going to have to hurry or he would be late to work.
“Jason? Wake up. We’re going to be late.”
Kyle walked on into the bathroom and turned on the shower.
By the time he turned the water off it was obvious Jason had no plans of going to the office that day.
Kyle pulled on a pair of slacks and sat down on the side of the bed. “You can’t lay there the rest of your life.”
“I know, I’ll get up and come in later. Tell Charles I still have the flu.”
Kyle nodded. This had to stop. He understood how hard this was for Jason, but he couldn’t allow him to lie in bed feeling sorry for himself. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the time to argue now.
“See you later then.”
Sara had just gotten out of the shower when the phone rang. She was forcing herself through the motions. She refused to allow the depression and pity to take over. She was hurt, she was angry, but she would survive. She had to move on with her life. Besides, what real choice did she have?
“Hi, Sara. Can I come down for coffee?” It was Kathy.
“Sure. I was just putting some on.”
“Okay, see you in a bit.”
She hung up and rushed to get dressed before Kathy knocked on her door.
“So how are you doing?” Kathy was dying to know just what had happened.
“I’m dealing. It will take some time, but I’ll be okay.”
“What’s going on, dear?”
“Jason and I have split.”
“Yeah, well, I sort of figured. So, is he having an affair?”
Sara frowned, “I really don’t want to say too much, but, yes, he’s found someone else.”
“And that’s it? You’re giving up?”
“There’s nothing to fight for. Yes, Kathy, it’s over.”
“Oh, honey, I hate to see you be so final about this. Lots of couples get through infidelity. It happens all the time. At least take some time, think things through. It’s not like you have to make a decision right this minute or anything. Maybe consider joint counseling.”
Counseling sounds good, thought Sara, but not to save their marriage. She’d be happy just to save their sanity.
“Thanks, Kathy, but I don’t think Jason or I really want to try to fix this.”
Kathy frowned, but let the subject drop. “What do you have there?” she pointed to the stack of papers on the table.
“My resume. I need to find a job. I had been looking for something part-time, but now I need to start looking for something full-time, with benefits.”
“Oh, Sara,” Kathy reached over and placed her hand on Sara’s arm.
“I’m going to be okay, Kathy.”
“I know you are, honey. You’re going to be just fine. And I am here for you. You know that, right? You just call me any old time.”
Kyle had a total for-shit day. Jason never made it in to the office and they had two deadlines they were now in danger of missing. Kyle had worked through his lunch break again trying to get them caught up. Jason had to get his act together soon. Kyle knew he wouldn’t be able to cover for him much longer. Charles had already noticed Jason’s lack of productivity. It was only a matter of time before the house of cards fell; unless Jason kicked back into gear soon. Kyle was concerned that it could even mean Jason’s job. So after pacifying more than one upset client and busting his ass on the deadlines, he finally dragged his butt out of the office at ten minutes before seven. He was exhausted.
As he let himself into his apartment, it didn’t take long to realize that Jason hadn’t been out of bed all day.
“Jason?” He stood in the doorway of the bedroom, “Are you sick?”
“Just leave me be, okay?”
Kyle rolled his lips into his mouth. This had to end now.
“So, you’re not sick?”
“Then get your ass out of bed and take a shower. You stink.”
Jason’s head snapped around when he heard Kyle’s tone of voice. Kyle had never been cross with him before. He was surprised to hear him lose his patience now. “Fuck off,” he mumbled as he closed his eyes and rolled over with his back to the door.
“No,” Kyle stated. “Get up.”
“Kyle, just leave me alone.”
“No. You’ve had your pity party and that’s all fine and good. You probably needed it, but you are starting to wallow in your pain and I can’t let that happen. Yeah, it hurts, yeah, it sucks, but neither of you are dead and buried; you are going to survive. Sara is going to survive. Now get your ass out of bed, take a shower, and start putting your life back together.”
Jason huffed, then flounced out of bed walking to the bathroom and slamming the door.
Kyle waited until he heard the shower run, then he stripped off his clothes and entered the bathroom. He joined Jason in the shower, silently caressing Jason’s body with the soap.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Jason mumbled.
“I’m not being fair to you, I know. I haven’t been carrying my share at the office in weeks; and now I have just checked out completely.”
“So check back in.”
Jason nodded, if only it was that simple. “I just feel so bad. I mean, I have totally fucked up Sara’s life. I’m giving into my desires, something I promised myself I wouldn’t do and…”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Kyle interrupted. “You still think this is wrong? Being gay?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I mean, shit.”
“Hey, its not wrong, and as for waiting so long to come out, you can’t change that. You can only move forward. Hell, at least you came out; a lot of people never do.”
“Sara what? You can’t put the cat back in the bag, Jason. You’re out. She knows. You can’t undo that.”
Jason frowned and nodded.
“So quit beating yourself up. It’s not serving any purpose.”
“I still feel responsible for her. She doesn’t even have a job. I can’t just abandon her.”
“No one wants you to. In fact, I’d be pissed if you did. You’ll still take care of her. Help her get back on her feet until she finds a job. All that’s changed for now is where you sleep and hang your hat, so to speak.”
“And that she knows the truth about me,” Jason whispered.
“And now so do you. It will be okay, Jason.”
“But I have lived a lie my whole life. How can I now just act like everything is okay? I mean how different could my life had been?”
“Jason, you can’t undo that. What’s done is done, and beating yourself up over it will do nothing. Besides,” Kyle smiled shyly. “If you had come out when you were younger, some beefy top would have already snagged you up and I might not ever have had my chance.”
Jason had to chuckle at that.
“It will work out, Jason. It may take some time, but it will work itself out.”
That night as they lay in bed Kyle reached out for Jason, pulling him into an embrace. He began kissing the blond, moving down his neck and on to his chest. He sucked on first one nipple then the other then moved on down to his navel and his happy trial, finally engulfing Jason’s dick in his mouth.
As Jason’s cock hit the back of Kyle’s throat, his lusty moan told Kyle all he needed to know. He continued to suck while reaching his hand around to play with Jason’s balls. He felt Jason’s sack tightening up, signaling that he was close. Kyle pulled off of him and reached for a condom. Instead of handing it to Jason as he usually did, Kyle took the condom and put in on his lover. Jason’s eyes met Kyle’s, “Are you sure?”
Kyle smiled, “Yeah, just go slow. It’s been a while.”
Jason nodded as Kyle rolled on to his stomach. He took the tube of lube and began preparing Kyle for entry. Starting with one finger, then two, he opened Kyle up all the while whispering nonsense words in his ear. In no time, he had Kyle whimpering and begging him for his cock.
Jason lined up and slid the head in, just past the first ring of muscle. Kyle groaned with a mix of pain and pleasure. After giving him a moment to adjust, Jason pushed the rest of the way in until his balls pressed against Kyle’s ass.
The feeling was incredible. Kyle was so tight, as if a velvet glove was squeezing around Jason’s dick. Jason was so lost in the sensation he couldn’t move. He tried to slow his breathing, tried to regain some control, but then Kyle pushed his hips back, indicating he was ready. Jason moaned. “Oh God, Kyle, you feel incredible.”
He reached around and began pumping Kyle’s dick to match his thrusts. Leaning in to change the angle of his hips, Jason’s dick stroked across Kyle’s prostate, causing a series of deep throaty moans from his lover.
Jason stroked Kyle’s cock harder, hoping to get his lover off before he lost control to his own orgasm. Kyle moaned again.
“Oh, yeah,” Jason whispered in his ear. “Come for me. Squirt it out all over my hand.”
Kyle cried out as his orgasm took him, his ass clamping down on Jason’s cock like a velvet vice, bringing Jason over the edge into his own sweet release.
The two collapsed onto the bed trying to regain control of their breathing.
“Oh God, I needed that,” Jason sighed.
Kyle smiled at him, “Always glad to help.”