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sometimes blue
DrewI am a thirty something married gay boy living in Sydney, almost on top of the gay scene but not in it! Why Sometimes blue?, because I love blue, but also I am sometimes blue :)
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Coming Up for Air

This week has been just plain hideous.

A small tiny update to server software by CPANEL has caused a huge nightmare. My major high value clients have been unable to process credit cards since 4AM yesterday morning.

It took me the better part of 8 hours to even work out what the problem was. But even then at this moment there is no actual solution.

I am at my total wits end with one of my primary technology partners for their total inability to respond in a timely manner to the problem.

I am suffering from my regular nasal congestion too which I always seem to get after a big weekend and of course the rather huge stress attack right now too.

I was going to head to the gym tonight for the first time since Sunday but I feel exhausted and I reckon going to the gym would just exhaust me more and turn what is really just hay fever and allergies into a full on cold which I certainly don't want!

Anyway I need to start trying to catch up with the work I have not been getting down while working on this other issue.

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Monday, February 18, 2008

Underestimated Stress & Anxiety

I have pretty much underestimated how stressed moving into a new office has actually made me. I am total creature of habit and moving full stop and the whole stress of being kicked out of the office last year was considerable.

I thought I was relatively OK, but I realised that for the last week or so I have been waking in the middle of the night and having a restless very thought filled rest of the night.

I take sleeping tablets on a regular enough basis that I actually prefer to try and go as long as I can bear without them when my sleeping patterns get like this. I really don't like taking sleepers as a rule mainly because I worry about becoming dependant on them.

I am pretty tired this morning but in restrospect the last weeks bad sleeping patterns can all be linked to the office move!

So the movers are here right now getting all the files, furniture and office equipment we had in storage and in a little while we will trundle off down the road to move everything in and start unpacking!

Unfortunately none of the boys moving me are even remotely attractive!

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Saturday, December 29, 2007

I am familied out

Over the last week I have seen my parents not once not twice but four times and I am totally familied out.

Now don't get me wrong and certainly do not think I do not love my family. I do love them very much it's just that they are painfully annoying.

It might have something to do with the age difference (although my sister is only 3 years older than men, but it doesn't really count since she acts and thinks just like my almost 80 year old parents).

I cracked yesterday with them.

We were at a good Sydney restaurant overlooking the Harbour for lunch. A fantastic venue to kick back and relax eat drink and be merry.

But the service or lack thereof certainly meant hat the restaurant part was strained.

But my parents and sister were a nightmare. There was not one moment of respite for me, the whole time it was "Drew look at this", "Drew what do you think of this", Drew you should do this", "Drew why don't you like this", Drew Drew Drew fucking Drew!

Can they not just leave me alone for five minutes of peace and quiet and let me relax?

By the end of the three hours of lunch I was a nervous wreck.

I would liken it to having three four year olds, all competing for your attention. In the end when the one millionth irrelevant dig at me (and it was thinly veiled put downs) I snapped at my sister and told her to be quiet for two minutes.

But guess what she didn't even get that!

I am still stressed out from the lunch and their whole performance it was a fucking nightmare.

I have been through this scenario with them so many other times before and it drives me mad.

The problem lies in the totally disparate lives the boy live to my parents and sister. Their worldview is so much different than mine and looking back on my upbringing I could see the gap between our views on the world when I was an early teenager.

Interestingly in talking to my parents and sister there is no real understanding of world events (or in fact interest either). They focus on their immediate surroundings, people and environment and don't really bother with how the world works.

The only external topic of conversation yesterday was how an elephant killed a man, and even then it was bought back to my sister's fear of being squashed by an elephant (yes I am not kidding).

There was no understanding or knowledge of current events, even with the death of Bhutto yesterday. In fact I don't think my sister actually knew which country it happened in, and by her own words the Television didn't focus much on it anyway they were far more focused on the elephant story.

Yes I am probably being elitist and an intellectual snob, but my mother and father still believe they live in a world where people get promoted based on how long they have been at a company. My mother and sister constantly tell me that we both work too much and we should take 6 weeks off a year in holidays.

Part of the issue I have with my family is the lack of commonality between us now, and my sister is the worst. I can't tell my sister what goes on in our lives, about the friends or parties etc because she would go back and report everything back to my mother and father. So anything that does not fit in her world view would be scandalising and I would have my mother on the phone upset and in hysterics.

I suppose being school teachers (my parents are long since retired) they are used to a very very different life style and in their day when they were involved in 'business' it was quite different.

I love them but please can't they not make me the centre of attention when they see us? Can they not learn that silence is a wonderful thing and a lunch a nice restaurant on the harbour should be a relaxing time not an interrogation!

end rant

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

With friends like these who needs enemies!

They say all is fair in love and war, but what about friends and business?

It's true that business is war and friendships are often tested and destroyed by business relationships. The Cold War between my ex mate and I took an even lower note today, and even I was amazed at how low it could get after being told last week I will lose my office early in the new year.

So one of my sales people has been doing some extra work for a friend of my ex mate. This is cool because she is only working for my part time and it was something non competitive. Today though she sent me an email where she was asked to work for one of the associated companies of my ex mates.

This would be fine all except for the fact that we are competitors in some areas.

Now you know forgive me if I am wrong but, trying to poach your staff is pretty nasty when you are a big business, but when you are a small business and not to mention were a good mate?

Mind you my staff are pretty damn loyal and in this case after they declined and pointed out that there is a conflict they said no and told me straight away.

There is some element that my mate may not have known but it's so remote it's a non event.

There is also a chance that it was not well thought out that asking my staff to work for them would be a conflict of interest.

But again the chance is slim, so I am pretty much happy in many ways that I know this chapter will end soon and I will be in a new office soon enough and away from this silliness.

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

The expected is going to happen

Well this morning the expected happened, and I will have to move out of the offices I share in January.

I am more than a little pissed off by this as I have spent money on fixing the office in the last month, which is now going to be wasted.

The situation as it stands is the company I share with and the company they have invested in needs larger offices. I get the feeling that the main investor in the companies has looked at the finances of both and scratched their head as to why they need two separate offices and has suggested that sharing an office is a good way of saving 100K a year.

Yeah sure it's business and it's far, but my mate would have known this for a fair while (months) and to now tell me when the world goes into shut down mode over Christmas just pisses me off.

Mind you this is the guy who is having a battle of wills with the puppy and basically went from being one of my closest friends to barely saying hello to me.

So in the long run it's for the best, but I now have to find a new office, and one that I can continue to bring the puppy too.

Who talking of which obviously senses that my ex mate doesn't like her as she keeps away and unlike every other person she does not jump on or go near when he is around.

I am a big believer that animals sense people's true inner self and I think she has a far greater instinct than us humans do!

I am not looking forward to looking for offices, apart from the fact that it will be a huge and unexpected expense for the company (moving, new leases, new marketing material, phone lines changed, Internet connections bonds etc) I don't like the uncertainty of it all either. The very least they could do is not ask for rent for December and January, but I doubt that will happen.

I have to really stop myself and bite my tongue because there are just so many things that I want to say. But what goes around comes around and there is more elegance in keeping quiet and being the bigger person.

So if anyone knows of cool groovy office space to share in or around the CBD, Surry Hills, Paddington, Darlinghurst or East Sydney tell me! Oh and don't forget the beagle comes too!

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Some things are clearer

Following on from this ridiculousness from yesterday today was even stranger. I am almost tempted to use real names and explain more.

But I think it probably best not too. So many people that I know read this blog anyway and know the situation but it's best not to throw a red flag at a bull.

An incident happened this morning that made a lot of things clear and helped explain an awful lot of things that I have been mis interpreting.

I have however worked out what the issue actually is, and it's one of power games more than anything else. There is a perception on my friends behalf that I have been playing power games and he feels as though I have been intentionally making him look bad or trying to undermine his authority.

It's funny because nothing could be further from the truth, but in fantasy like reality, perception is king, and just the perception is enough to cause all the problems.

I was fuming over an incident this morning and I was all set to first off right a very nasty email basically hauling him over the coals, but decided not too as emails can be sent around, picked over and badly misconstrued.

I then decided that I was going to confront him over the telephone (in person would be better but he does not cope with any form of confrontation and would sand bag). But after thinking about what would be the possible outcomes of any form of confrontation, I sadly realised that the only outcome of any of these would be bad news and would have far reaching consequences.

So I am just going to have be careful to make sure that I am not playing power games and make doubly sure that the perception of power games or the perceived slight to his authority is mitigated.

This whole thing is such a waste of my time and energy. I was so upset over this today I probably wasted at least an hour of quality work time, only half concentrating on what I was doing.

It's interesting though I think I can now safely say the ball is in my court to mitigate the issue from happening in the future.

Sadly though the friendship I had is pretty much over, which is a significant shame, but I have tried time and time again to build it back up but I think today was the last shot. You can only take so much.

I think he's too stubborn to ever say sorry even if he understood the truth.

It's amazing that in twenty four hours I have gone from wanting to repair the friendship to realising that sometimes friendships go through natural progressions and sometimes even the best of friends must drift apart.

I thought a small musical interlude to today's post, it's 'For Good' from the Stephen Scwhartz musical Wicked. It's all about friends.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Tension so thick you could cut it with a knife

The ongoing weirdness with my friend is continuing, and I have even made a serious attempt to offer an olive branch of reconciliation.

The friend just seems to stressed out, distant and on edge and I can't quite put my finger on the issue. I don't know whether it's work related (there is a lot going on there which is all very stressful), personal or a mix of everything.

I often wonder whether he reads my blog and has actually read posts where I have been cutting and quite nasty? Well this is my blog and I do use it form time to time to go through issues and get them from my head (which swirls enough) and into some jumble of words and emotions.

Anyway I seriously tried to ask if he was OK, the answer I got was yes from his mouth but a no from his body language. Then a moment later an 'I have to do something' and it's not the right time to talk'.

I do feel for him and no matter what I suppose I do want the friendship to repair itself. It will most likely never be quite what it once was, but I do want it to repair itself.

Looking back it's now almost three months since the offense occurred and as many times as I have wanted to tell him what happened I have chickened out every time.


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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Anxiety & Dizziness Vs.Insomnia

I have suffered from a very mild form of Agoraphobia for a couple of years, which is in essence the fear of embarrassing yourself in public.

My particular fear is of passing out in public or having a bad panic attack to the point of passing out in public. Agoraphobia is particularly annoying because you actual get anxious about getting anxious, and you tend to build up the anxiety levels as you worry about a specific public event in the future.

For me personally there are a couple of situations which make my anxious, meetings, sometimes sitting in restaurants, queues, walking across open roads at traffic lights, talking to people while standing up and driving.

About the only thing I do avoid these days is driving, mainly because the consequences of having a serious panic attack while driving could be catastrophic and or I could kill myself or someone else.

For people who do not suffer from anxiety or panic attacks it can seem almost incomprehensible how 'a bit of stress' can have such an affect on someone else.

I am a bit of insomniac and regularly take Stilnox (Ambien) to help me sleep which does a great job, or so I thought. Of late there has been a huge amount of press abut Stilnox in Australia, particularly to do with side effects such as amnesia when taking it, sleep walking and in one case it has been linked to someone walking off a balcony and killing themselves.

I was reading an article about this and found out that the most common two side effects from regular (or even semi regular) use are:


So hold on, the two most common side effects are what I would describe as a "heightened sense of anxiety".

In thinking back I can pin point too times at which for days I have been seriously anxious and they have almost all coincided with a period where I have taken Stilnox for several (at least five) nights in a row.

So It's a no brainer really I can't take it any more to help me sleep, so here is to finding another to stay asleep that doesn't involve something that makes me anxious!

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Really Bad few days

I am having a really bad couple of days!

The building where we live has a few really serious insurance issues, which are driving me bonkers. Not the least of which at the root of many of the issues it seems to be that the strata manager has seriously dropped the ball.

But there is nothing that I hat more than when I ask for something to have that ignored. I will walk out of restaurants, cancels bookings etc for rudeness of bad service.

So I am stressed to the max and ready to break something so watch out!


Tuesday, February 13, 2007


I need some inspiration right now to keep on hitting the gym harder and harder. I have a new objective, one which was thrust upon me by a mates new boyfriend.
I have agreed to go to mardi gras wearing footy shorts and not much else as they will be. Problem is the new bf is particuraly msucely and I don't think has a single once of fat on him, not just the least he is ten years younger than me!
So I have to get my full set of abs back. So five days a week of high high high energy cardio (even more than normal). So the inspiration is above, that picture is just hot - stolen shamelessly from American Urge!

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Monday, February 05, 2007

Client from hell

I have an ongoing client that is the client from hell, and when I say the client from hell I truly mean the client from hell.

Client X is a consultant who has a personal not for profit business on the side, one which is particularly quirky and at the same time kind of creepy in a saccharin sweet way.

He has been a client of my company for about three years, and I've never billed him a huge amount, BUT he is an amazing referrer of business.

In fact about 25% of last year's revenue was generated by referrals he made for people to use my business.

My problem is he knows this and he insists on calling me whenever he wants, and I really do mean whenever. I am updating some stuff for him at the moment and had sent him some drafts of the work on Friday. We had a short chat and he asked if he could ring me on the weekend.

I told him no, as there was nothing in his draft that was urgent and certainly nothing that could not wait until Monday. Not surprisingly the emails started on Saturday morning, all marked urgent.

Then by about 11 am on Saturday the phone calls started - I Kid you not!

But it doesn't stop there, he rang and left at least four messages over the weekend, all of which I ignored.

By this morning there were a huge amount of emails in my inbox from him, and I answered them all in one email at about 7:15 am this morning, nothing earth shattering and many things that had nothing to do with me.

I knew I was going to hear from him today, even though I had told him I was in meetings up until mid afternoon. But of course by midday he had left three particularly abrasive voice mails on my mobile phone and a barrage of emails (I have wireless access everywhere).

After my meetings I finally had a chance to call him and talk through his issues (I wish he would see a psychologist LOL). After a 45 minute phone call which was useless on my behalf we ended the call on what I thought the issues were complete.

But NO such luck!

Within ten minutes five emails and then two phone calls to make sure I got the emails.

Seriously this guy drives me mad! I often have to ignore his phone calls and even when I do answer them I have to breath and concentrate on smiling before answering the phone!

It's such a conflict, on the one hand I have to be nice to him and keep him as a client, on the other hand I want him to just fuck off!


Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Hump Day

This week has been longer than normal, with the boy off in Hong Kong I am virtually sleeping for a few hours then waking up and not able to get back to sleep.

I have always been a bit of an insomniac, and I am a very light sleeper so any noise wakes me up, and once I am even semi conscious my mind starts to work! So the last three nights my mind has been in total overdrive.

With the new direction I am taking the company I am having to balance the need for supporting the existing clients and software, getting new full service clients, normal sales and admin needs and the development of both the new software and the new business case and financials.

Looking after the existing clients and getting new ones is more than a full time job, so trying to find the time to do the rest makes my head swim!

Apart from that the amazingly cute Lucy Beagle is entering into a really difficult stage where she is really pushing her dominance. This is coming out as being growly and very possessive of food and refusing to back down. For some reason I take it very personally when she gets growly at me (I know she is only a puppy) but I still take it as a bit of a personal emotional attack.

The specialised dog psychologist is coming this weekend to help us with her. At least the person we are getting does not believe that you have to de-personalise the dog to get them to behave. I love Lucy' s personality, I just want her to be less growly.

There are two other levels of quite immense stress as well, both relate to uncertainty.

Hopefully one will be resolved today when I talk with my mother's surgeon over whether she does or does not need an operation to fix her spine. This is a huge thing for her as she is nearly eighty and does not want to go through another major operation.

The other point of uncertainty, only time will tell that one!

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hump Day and less than five days till Christmas

English Lads Hot uncut english boys getting their kit off!

Jamie Timms looking hotter than ever! - 329 photos - Wed 13th Dec
After not seeing Jamie for a while he is back from his travels and in great shape. He strips off his shirt to reveal a nicely tanned body and defined abs, he says he has been running round on the beach a lot this summer! He teases us a little bit before stripping off his boxers and then tugs around and plays with his long foreskin! All this attention and we donít have to wait long to see it swell up and its quite a handful, both long and thick! A bit more foreplay and Jamie is leaning back gushing cum all over his hands and pubes and abs! Yummy.

Five Days Till Christmas!

It's hump day, three days till holidays and less than five days to Christmas

I am stressed out, I still have not finished some significant deliverables, which means I will on stressed puppy till I have!

No long post today just some eye candy to keep you all happy!

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