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sometimes blue
DrewI am a thirty something married gay boy living in Sydney, almost on top of the gay scene but not in it! Why Sometimes blue?, because I love blue, but also I am sometimes blue :)
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Saturday, December 29, 2007

I am familied out

Over the last week I have seen my parents not once not twice but four times and I am totally familied out.

Now don't get me wrong and certainly do not think I do not love my family. I do love them very much it's just that they are painfully annoying.

It might have something to do with the age difference (although my sister is only 3 years older than men, but it doesn't really count since she acts and thinks just like my almost 80 year old parents).

I cracked yesterday with them.

We were at a good Sydney restaurant overlooking the Harbour for lunch. A fantastic venue to kick back and relax eat drink and be merry.

But the service or lack thereof certainly meant hat the restaurant part was strained.

But my parents and sister were a nightmare. There was not one moment of respite for me, the whole time it was "Drew look at this", "Drew what do you think of this", Drew you should do this", "Drew why don't you like this", Drew Drew Drew fucking Drew!

Can they not just leave me alone for five minutes of peace and quiet and let me relax?

By the end of the three hours of lunch I was a nervous wreck.

I would liken it to having three four year olds, all competing for your attention. In the end when the one millionth irrelevant dig at me (and it was thinly veiled put downs) I snapped at my sister and told her to be quiet for two minutes.

But guess what she didn't even get that!

I am still stressed out from the lunch and their whole performance it was a fucking nightmare.

I have been through this scenario with them so many other times before and it drives me mad.

The problem lies in the totally disparate lives the boy live to my parents and sister. Their worldview is so much different than mine and looking back on my upbringing I could see the gap between our views on the world when I was an early teenager.

Interestingly in talking to my parents and sister there is no real understanding of world events (or in fact interest either). They focus on their immediate surroundings, people and environment and don't really bother with how the world works.

The only external topic of conversation yesterday was how an elephant killed a man, and even then it was bought back to my sister's fear of being squashed by an elephant (yes I am not kidding).

There was no understanding or knowledge of current events, even with the death of Bhutto yesterday. In fact I don't think my sister actually knew which country it happened in, and by her own words the Television didn't focus much on it anyway they were far more focused on the elephant story.

Yes I am probably being elitist and an intellectual snob, but my mother and father still believe they live in a world where people get promoted based on how long they have been at a company. My mother and sister constantly tell me that we both work too much and we should take 6 weeks off a year in holidays.

Part of the issue I have with my family is the lack of commonality between us now, and my sister is the worst. I can't tell my sister what goes on in our lives, about the friends or parties etc because she would go back and report everything back to my mother and father. So anything that does not fit in her world view would be scandalising and I would have my mother on the phone upset and in hysterics.

I suppose being school teachers (my parents are long since retired) they are used to a very very different life style and in their day when they were involved in 'business' it was quite different.

I love them but please can't they not make me the centre of attention when they see us? Can they not learn that silence is a wonderful thing and a lunch a nice restaurant on the harbour should be a relaxing time not an interrogation!

end rant

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Monday, December 24, 2007

Twas the Day before Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas and not even a beagle is stirring! We had friends over for dinner last night and Danger Mouse is staying in the spare room, with Beagle happily snuggled up with him being miss protector.

Some time during last nights dinner with Danger Mouse, Margeux & Nick we stare making Gin Martinis. Surprisingly I do not feel all that bad considering the amount of alcohol I drank but I am sure that could change!

A dampener was put on the evening early on when my sister rang to say my father was taking my mother to hospital. Knowing my family and their complex medical history it could have been anything from heart, to asthma to god knows what.

Mum has been suffering from a form of cellulitis on her leg as a side product of both Warfrin and general old age. The area had become infected and the infection was steadily moving up her leg giving her a fever and a general feeling of un wellness.
I have not heard how she is yet this morning, I am just waiting on a call from my sister or father to update me.

I hope she is OK, and I do hope that she is well enough to come to Christmas lunch tomorrow.

It's sad when parents get to this age and the body just seems to be in an ever increasing state of disrepair. You treat one thing like the Heart with Warfrin, and then it causes all sorts of other hideous problems. Will they just hurry up and find a cure for aging already!

On other more happy topics the boy and I did settle on a Christmas present for myself. We have been driven mad by the need for some more colour in our apartment, one friend even went so far as to say our apartment was boring with white, white, white and cream (bitch).

As much as I would love to buy a Julian Opie I can't afford one which is a real bummer, but since I already have a Pro Hart & a Chagall I don't think I am too badly off LOL.

In the end for the big long white wall we decided to buy a 'decorative artwork'. What does that mean you ask? Well a decorative artwork is a piece of art that has been mass produced painted. It still looks good but it's value is a decoration and not as a piece of art.
It's pretty in your face and makes a significant statement in the room, I.E. it screams LOOK AT ME!

In other Christmas news, we gave Danger Mouse a very 'child' present, after all he calls us his gay parents (still not sure whether I like that considering I am not that much older). There is some background to the present though, every time we end up at a recovery party danger Mouse's alter ego comes out to play, and more often than not that means Danger Mouse is up on a table dancing in his underwear.

Now I am all for cute boys dancing in their underwear, but, and it's a huge but!

He wears the ugliest underwear (I have told him this on numerous occasions) so we bought him some Andrew Christian underwear, which I am sad to say he is not wearing right now.

Sigh you try and encourage these boys to wear nice underwear and look what happens LOL

Anyway Merry Christmas and all that I will probably

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Saturday, July 28, 2007

Apparently I am still fixated

I had dinner with my sister on Thursday night, not something I do all that often as I am not exceptionally close to her.

The issue of her calling me fixated on the whole gay thing came up in conversation, read I bought it up.

I wanted to explain to her that it was more than a fixation, it is important to me, to gay people in general. But she just doesn't get it, she does not understand the need for people to champion things like gay rights.

She does not understand the need for equality for all people let alone gay people.

I find it amazing that even though we grew up learning virtually the same things and having the same experiences up until about twelve or so when I first started to understand my sexuality.

She is still unable to understand and embrace the world in which she lives.

There was nothing 'wrong' with my childhood as such. I was bought up in a loving caring family in a protective, physically and emotionally safe way. My family's world view was narrower than some, but that's not a criticism, more an observation.

According to my mother's world view, there are two types of people in the world, 'our sort of people', and everyone else.

It's not meant as malice if someone was not 'our sort of people' more a misguided surface view of what construed 'our sort of people'.

So with this in mind my sister and I were exposed to all the same experiences, values and beliefs, about twelve is where my learning and knowledge went of in a totally different direction to my life.

I discovered that I was far more interested in boys bits than girls bits.

Even though my family was surrounded by 'gay people' they were always talked about in a way that was made clear that they were 'not our sort of people'. So you can imagine that I became adept at hiding these feelings and had two persona's.

I also started to find my own values and these didn't really subscribe to the our sort of people theory.

Strangely enough my sister was the one who seemed to display the most homophobia of all my family. I remember when she was at university some girl made a pass at her and she flew totally off the handle. Silly really considering she had a habit for falling in love with boys who would go out with her and then come out of the closet!

I don't think my father actually has an opinion on sexuality really. He was bought up in a wildly bohemian family environment and was exposed to more than his fair share of eccentrics growing up and I think he just takes it all in his stride.

I think that my sister still just simply get that sexuality is not a choice.

In some ways I have got closer to my sister in the last few months as we do talk about our respective anxiety issues. But in the important stuff like actually understanding and the fundamental issue of acceptance she and I are worlds apart.

Yes I am fixated on gay rights and I will continue to be so!

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007


For my actual birthday on Monday night the boy and I went to my sister's for dinner with my parents. I always find this a stressful as much as I love my family, my sister and parents have become even less in touch with reality as they get older.

I suppose in many ways my family and especially my mother were cushioned from the day to day true reality of life, and her views are very much still based or stuck in the 1950s on most topics.

She still believes that a wife should really stay home, that managers do no work, and that most people work 9-5!

One of my biggest bugbears is her fervent support of John Howard because 'he is such a nice man and he even washes up'. She cannot and will not believe that he lies, and she has this elitist snobbish attitude that drives me bonkers.

My teenage years were very much spent battling my parents (mothers) views and these have been ingrained into my sister now too. Coming out for me was not an easy experience and there is still a great deal of latent homophobia in my family.

In fact my sister who quite frankly should know better accused me 'of being a bit fixated on the whole gay rights issue'.

You can imagine how much that was like waving a red flag at a bull!

Of course I am fixated on the 'gay rights issue'. Equality is an issue that is about as basic a human right for basic respect as you can get.

There are so many issues with my family that just drive me potty, these just being the ones that are most commonly raised.

If you asked my family they would say that they have always been supportive of me. But if you scratched the surface it wasn't support at all, more like coercion, sneaky tactics and more often than not strong arm tactics to get me to do what they wanted.

Unfortunately due to their age and their stubbornness you cannot argue with them, they just either do not listen or do not understand complex arguments (or simple for that matter) anymore.

I had thought as the years had passed and I had grown into adulthood and have been out of the closet now for seventeen or so years that they would get it, but they just don't.

In all of this they are becoming less able to deal with the realities of the world and this fantasy world is being pushed upon my sister too, who at 38 is still waiting to be married so she can be 'complete'. (because there must be a problem with a girl if she is not married according to my mother).

I think at the end of the day what upsets me the most is their blind support of a political party that actively discriminates against me, in fact many of it's members would advocate the re criminalisation of homosexuality and have us thrown in jail.

And when I try to point this out I am told I am a bit fixated on the gays rights issue.

I do love them I just wish they would actually be supportive!

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Growing Older

I saw my parents and sister on the weekend for lunch which was lovely. But every time I see my parents I am reminded that they are getting older and older. It seems my father is 'shrinking' in front of me.

Every time I have seen him over the last few years he has just seemed to get smaller, the big broad shoulders that used to pick me up and swoosh me onto things as a child have become much smaller.

The chest which I would fall asleep in as a little toddler has shrunk too. The wrinkles on his face and neck are far greater and they tell enormous stories of my dads last 77 years of experience.

But by far the most distressing thing about seeing my father grow old is his mind. Once a brilliant man, he is fast turning into an old forgetful man.

Sometimes he forgets things like what he was doing just that moment and you can see the confusion flash across his face.

He does not remember people's names and never really has, but it has started to get worse and he no longer remembers things in the close past and instead remembers things in the distant past.

Mind you the most difficult to participate in was his adamant 'memory' of something that did not actually happen to him. I was seriously surprised by that episode on the weekend, because I was at the event he was adamant happened to him and not my mother.

It's hard watching your parents get old, and my mother has had her fair share of medical issues over the last twenty years. My father has always been a bit 'eccentric' but recently it has just got worse :(

The father becomes the son, and the son becomes the father

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