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sometimes blue
DrewI am a thirty something married gay boy living in Sydney, almost on top of the gay scene but not in it! Why Sometimes blue?, because I love blue, but also I am sometimes blue :)
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Saturday, July 28, 2007

Apparently I am still fixated

I had dinner with my sister on Thursday night, not something I do all that often as I am not exceptionally close to her.

The issue of her calling me fixated on the whole gay thing came up in conversation, read I bought it up.

I wanted to explain to her that it was more than a fixation, it is important to me, to gay people in general. But she just doesn't get it, she does not understand the need for people to champion things like gay rights.

She does not understand the need for equality for all people let alone gay people.

I find it amazing that even though we grew up learning virtually the same things and having the same experiences up until about twelve or so when I first started to understand my sexuality.

She is still unable to understand and embrace the world in which she lives.

There was nothing 'wrong' with my childhood as such. I was bought up in a loving caring family in a protective, physically and emotionally safe way. My family's world view was narrower than some, but that's not a criticism, more an observation.

According to my mother's world view, there are two types of people in the world, 'our sort of people', and everyone else.

It's not meant as malice if someone was not 'our sort of people' more a misguided surface view of what construed 'our sort of people'.

So with this in mind my sister and I were exposed to all the same experiences, values and beliefs, about twelve is where my learning and knowledge went of in a totally different direction to my life.

I discovered that I was far more interested in boys bits than girls bits.

Even though my family was surrounded by 'gay people' they were always talked about in a way that was made clear that they were 'not our sort of people'. So you can imagine that I became adept at hiding these feelings and had two persona's.

I also started to find my own values and these didn't really subscribe to the our sort of people theory.

Strangely enough my sister was the one who seemed to display the most homophobia of all my family. I remember when she was at university some girl made a pass at her and she flew totally off the handle. Silly really considering she had a habit for falling in love with boys who would go out with her and then come out of the closet!

I don't think my father actually has an opinion on sexuality really. He was bought up in a wildly bohemian family environment and was exposed to more than his fair share of eccentrics growing up and I think he just takes it all in his stride.

I think that my sister still just simply get that sexuality is not a choice.

In some ways I have got closer to my sister in the last few months as we do talk about our respective anxiety issues. But in the important stuff like actually understanding and the fundamental issue of acceptance she and I are worlds apart.

Yes I am fixated on gay rights and I will continue to be so!

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