It was a really good thing that I was somewhat sedated on the way over to Alan’s house. Here I was at the ripe old age of seventeen about to go do who-knows-what with some dude that I had fun flirting with from time to time. He always flirted back which amused our classmates to no end. We always knew when to stop the joking, though; didn’t want anyone to think that we were interested in each other. At least I didn’t. Up until tonight I had no idea the kind of thoughts that ran through Alan’s mind. I was about to find out.
And that’s what scared me a bit. It wasn’t an age thing, really, that had me nervous. I had just turned seventeen and he would be the same in the next few months. I started school early; kindergarten found me starting at four, and because of my October birthday I was the youngest in my class. If my parents had decided to hold me back then Alan and I would’ve both been juniors at the same time. I wonder how this story would have ended up if were we in the same grade together.
No, it wasn’t an age thing as much as much as it was an experience thing. In seventh grade I had dated two girls, each for around a month or so. Dated. Yipee. The first one I dated, if you could call it that, was quite the ho. She came over to my house once while my parents were still at work and we chased each other around the house, wound up on the couch, and she kissed me. I kissed back and thought I was big shit. Kissing at twelve. Whoopee. After that I had a growth spurt (we’d already ‘broken up’) but I hadn’t put on any weight to go with my height and I was really skinny. That is until I started working out with Don and drinking my nightly shakes the summer before my senior year.
But like I said, I was almost without any sort of sexual experience. Alan, however, was a friggin’ football player. We all know football players will bang anything that walks, right? Isn’t that what jocks do? They bang? Surely Alan was Mr. With-It in that department. I was nowhere near ready for something like that.
I laid my head back on the headrest and closed my eyes. Alan put his hand on my shoulder, his other still on the wheel, and massaged it a bit. “You okay? You’re not about to puke, are you?”
I snickered with my eyes still closed. “No,” smiling. “I’m not about to puke in here. Just enjoying the ride.” And what are you supposed to say when the purpose for leaving a house full of partiers is to do…what?
“Good,” he said, “ ‘cause I’d hate to waste time with you cleaning my car.” Then he laughed but kept rubbing my neck.
I sighed. “Damn, son, that feels good. Am I really here?” I raised my eyebrows, eyes still closed.
He snorted out a laugh. “From the shape in your pants, yeah, you’re really here.”
I had to laugh at that. His neck rub had me sportin’ wood like you wouldn’t believe. I kept my eyes closed as he rubbed my neck and shoulders. “How much have you actually had to drink tonight?” I asked him.
“Ahhh. Just a couple of beers. Not much.”
I turned and looked at him. “Just a couple? Hoss, you seemed like you were pretty tanked in there.”
He smiled really big and flashed his eyebrows at me. “I was just a little…I don’t know. I was bein’ goofy.”
“Soooo," I hesitated, “how’d we end up here?”
“Damn, Paul,” laughing “are you that drunk?”
“Nope. I just…”
“I just never would’ve guessed that… Damn.”
“What?” he smiled.
I was still feeling awkward inside at the situation. Fantasies are one thing, but once you cross the line and head into reality, well, that’s something unto itself. “This,” I said, gesturing between the two of us.
“Ahh. And why not?”
Then I just started laughing, a little nervously, a little drunk. “I never guess you’d’a been…interested.”
“Never guessed that I’d be bent?” he said, and we both laughed.
“Shit, this is odd to talk about,” I turned and looked out the window. Alan took his hand off of my neck.
“You ok?” he asked.
“Oh, shit, you have no idea. I’ve…I’ve never been in this position before.”
“Can I get you into some other positions?” he smiled.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Idiot,” I said playfully.
Alan didn’t really live a few blocks from me, like I had told Kent. It turned out that he actually lived in the same neighborhood as Don. We turned onto the main road into the subdivision and I turned to look down the street where Don lived.
“I had no idea you lived in this subdivision too.”
“That’s Keller’s street?” he pointed.
“Mm hmmm,” I looked.
“So, how are things with him?”
“Okay, I guess. I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“He’s off in North Carolina, right?”
I just nodded.
“Didn’t y’all, like, hang out a bunch?”
“We did,” I kept looking out of the window.
“Thought so.” We continued driving in silence.
“Do you miss him?” he asked. His voice sounded funny and I turned to look at him.
I laughed a bit. “Dude, what’s up?”
He just shook his head without replying.
“Seriously,” I repeated, “what’s up?”
We turned into a driveway and pulled up to his house. Alan threw the car into park and turned off the ignition and lights.
“I just heard some things, that’s all.”
I was surprised and I think I showed it. “Some…things?”
“It’s nothing,” he said.
I think I sobered up right then. I didn’t really breathe that much, just a few short intakes of air. I hadn’t told anybody that I was gay. Were my actions so damn obvious that people were guessing I was gay? I know that Don and I had spent a lot of time together but hell, so did other people. But then again, he and I spent a lot of time alone. Most other guys hung out in groups of three or more. I knew that I was naïve but I never really thought about how things looked between Don and myself.
“Oh,” I said, looking down.
“Nothing horrible, or anything,” he continued. “Just people talkin’ trash, that’s all.”
“Alan, he and I were just friends.” I didn’t tell him that I had wished for more. Boy, this night had started out great but was turning out to be a downer after all.
“No, no, it’s cool,” he nodded.
I was still somewhat weirded out. “Who’d you hear this from?” I asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” looking out the window. I could tell he was getting uncomfortable.
“I’m not, like, pissed or anything. Just want to know who’s talking about me.”
Alan looked down at the steering wheel and said nothing, just kept tapping at it with his keys. There was a full moon shining down through the pine trees around his house and I could see his face pretty clearly. He seemed really uncomfortable.
“I shouldn’t have brought it up,” he said. Then he mumbled, “My brother said something…”
I looked back over at him. “What’d he say?”
“Well…I don’t know how to say this, ‘cause I wasn’t there…”
“Just say it.”
He took a breath. “He said that Don thought that…well…it seemed more and more to him that you were…are…” and his sentence trailed off. Face it, we were still really young and not as open to saying things like “Hello, I’m Paul and I’m gay” like some people more readily do today. Hell, he couldn’t even say the word.
“Don thought that I was gay.”
Alan just nodded, looking at his keys as he continued to slowly to tap them on the steering wheel. Tap…tap…tap…
I sat back in my chair, facing forward again. “I wonder how long he thought that,” I said, a little bit to myself.
“Well, he mentioned it right after school started,” he replied.
The massage. The goddamned massage. He’d asked for it and I gave him one. Then he had the nerve to tell someone that he thought I was gay? Not that I wasn’t gay, but I was pissed, wondering how he’d phrased it. I remember that he left my house pretty quickly but in my little gay fantasy I’d hoped that he was trying to hide a swelling boner. Guess I was wrong.
“It was the massage,” I said, a little dumbstruck.
I proceeded to tell Alan about the night Don came over and how he’d asked me for a massage. How I’d given it to him. How he’d taken off so damn quickly afterwards.
“Can I ask you something then?” he said.
“Sure,” I told him. At this point I had scooted around and my back was against the car door, my left leg propped on it’s side on the car seat. “Go ‘head.”
“Did you like him--” then he corrected himself. “do you like him?”
I leaned my head back against the door window, took in a deep breath then blew it back out. “I like him, yeah. In fact I love the guy.” At this Alan looked up at me. “At least I think I do. He and I were closer than I’ve ever been with another friend. I feel love for him, yeah. In love? Now that’s another question. Dude,” I laughed, “this is so friggin’ weird to talk about, let alone to a guy that I thought was straight.” He just laughed at that. “And what’s up with that? Man, I thought that you were…well, I never would’a guessed that you’re into guys.”
He had a contemplative look on his face. “I guess that’s good,” he said.
“I mean, every few months you’re with another girl, sometimes every few weeks.”
Now he looked puzzled. “Paul, we’ve only been in school for like seven or eight weeks.”
It was my turn to smile. “I’ve had my eye on you for a while, Mr. Collin.” I’m not sure but I think he blushed. The moon wasn’t bright enough to tell.
“Let’s just say that your…assets…are easily noticeable.” He looked down at his own crotch. “Not just those,” I continued. “You got a great ass, too.”
He laughed out loud at this. “All of those squats we have to do.”
“Squats, schmatts, somethin’ makes your ass downright perky.” He laughed again.
“So you’re in love with Don,” he said, continuing the questions.
I went to roll down the window. “Dude, it’s stuffy in here,” I said.
“Wanna sit out back on the patio?” he asked.
His house looked pretty nice from the outside. It looked sort of like a Dutch farmhouse, with the double pitched roof over the two story part of the house. The one story part connected the garage to the house and looked like a bricked in breezeway. The yard was pretty big and there were pine trees and a few dogwoods along the neighboring properties. The moon cast a warm glow on the landscape around us as we walked around the house to the back patio. I followed him and couldn’t help but look at his butt.
His family evidently liked to entertain because there was one really big table on the patio surrounded by eight or so chairs, and some lounge chairs and a couple of gliders. I got the vibe that this was a happy place, a happy home. Usually I don’t think things like this but for some reason I did in Alan’s backyard. It wasn’t the booze because I was almost completely sober. Dammit!
We each took a chair and looked up at the moon. An end table separated us be eighteen inches or so. Our view was of the entire backyard and his house was behind us.
“So…” he said.
“So. Am I in love with Don. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure. I don’t think so. I think that now that he and I have had some time apart it’s easier to look at the whole picture.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he and I spent a lot of time together up until school began. According to him he loved me like a brother, and I definitely feel love for him, but I don’t know…I’m starting to think that I just really admired him and felt the same type of love for him; a brotherly sort of love. But damn, he’s sexier than my brothers are!”
Alan laughed out loud at this.
“Seriously, though, I think having a few weeks apart has made me see, in a way, that even though I totally lusted after him, my feelings of love are more of admiration, if that makes sense.”
“I think so. In a way it does, I guess,” Alan said. We watched the moon as it slowly trekked across the sky.
“So am I ‘in love’ with Don? Again, I really don’t think so. Ya see, Alan, he was the first best friend that I’ve ever had, with the exception of when I was a little kid. I wasn’t used to all of the one-on-one attention from anybody else that he gave to me.” I continued looking up at the trees, hearing the cool breeze whooshing through the pine needles. “And since I’ve never really dated anyone or had a relationship with anyone…I don’t know…”
“Well, like I said, after spending some time without him, I realize that I may have confused my feelings of loving the guy with being in love. That probably sounds dumb…”
“No, actually it makes perfect sense.” He sat up and leaned forward, head on his knees and his chin resting in one hand.
“And how did we start talking about Don?” I chuckled a bit.
Alan laughed a bit. “I was just curious, that’s all.”
“You know, I think we’ll probably always be friends, but he never showed any kind of interest in me. He’s probably not gay.”
“What if he is? What if he approached you?” he asked.
“Approached. For what?”
“I dunno. Anything. More than a friendship. And all the things that come with dating someone.”
I laughed at that. “Dude, I wouldn’t even know. I mean, if he were still living here and one thing just led to another…well, the feelings of love are there. Whether or not it could go to the level of a dating sort of relationship, to be honest I have no idea. Would I like to? Sure. Because we are great friends I think that’s a pretty good basis for a start. Am I attracted to him? Oh, hell yeah!” Alan laughed at this. “But attraction’s not the only thing, because you could be an attractive asshole like his friend Carl.”
“Uckk,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I know him. We were both on the wrestling team. What an asshole.”
“See. There ya go.”
“Well let’s say that he called you tomorrow, professed his undying love for you,” this was said with a little bit of humor, “and that he wanted to start dating you. What would you do.”
“It’s funny you should ask, because I’ve thought a lot about that in the past few weeks. Personally I don’t think it would work because of the distance. He’s busy spending his time doing things you do in college. Our lives are really different. He hasn’t called in weeks and I’ve sort of dropped the ball on that. I mean, I have things that I’m doing here now that I don’t want to miss out on. I dunno. I just don’t think it would work.”
“So would you ever date anyone?”
I laughed out loud then looked around. It was late and I didn’t want to wake up his parents.
“What are you looking for,” he asked.
“I just didn’t want to wake up the house.”
“You can’t. Nobody’s here.” He had this funny look in his eyes.
“Oh yeah? Let’s see,” I turned away from his gaze, trying to ignore it. “Would I ever date anyone. I guess,” I smiled. “But I don’t think there are a whole helluva lot of pickings at school. At least not that I know of.”
“I can think of someone,” he said, still smiling.
“You?” I smiled back.
“Mm hmm,” he nodded.
I chuckled a bit. “Like I said before, dude, I’ve seen you with different girls. I never would’ve guessed.”
“How long have you been watching me?”
“Well it idn’t like I’ve been stalkin’ you or anything.” This amused him. “I just know a piece of ass when I see one. Shit! I still can’t believe I’m talking about this,” shaking my head.
“I’ll have to admit, I was intrigued when I heard that there was a gay guy at school,” Alan said. For those of you who went to a school as large as ours this makes perfect sense. Being ‘out’ wasn’t as acceptable then as it is now, so to hear that a guy was gay was a really big deal.
I looked at him with a puzzled expression.
“My brother had mentioned a guy who was friends with Don and said that the two hung out a lot, but that lately Don told him that he had the feeling that his friend Paul was gay. I didn’t know who you were until you showed up in Spanish class and started talking to Deanna. I mean, I had seen you before but obviously we’d never met.”
“True. So are you…do you like guys and girls?”
“Noooo. Just guys. I know. You’ve seen me with girls. They’re just girls I really dig hanging out with.”
He busted out laughing. “What in the hell?”
“Fag hags,” I repeated. “Girls who like to hang out with gay guys.”
He laughed again. “I’ve never heard of that. But no, they don’t know about me.”
“Well,” I said leaning up in my chair, “they won’t learn about it from me.”
“Good,” he nodded.
“So…” I started.
“So what?” he finished.
“Why you what?” Alan asked.
“Why were you intrigued by me? It’s not like I’m Tom Cruise or anything,” I snorted a laugh.
“After we met in Spanish and I put two and two together I knew I’d at least have a chance, right?” I died laughing at this. “What?”
“Because we met you thought you had a chance? Alan, you’re hot but come on,” I said still laughing.
“No, no, no. What I mean is that I’d heard that you were gay; then I met you. Our personalities just sort of clicked, right?”
“I think so,” I nodded.
“Right. Me too. You have this…bizarre sense of humor,” he chuckled.
“Nooooo! I just thought that you were attracted to my bod,” I tried to be serious and he laughed more. “Hey, it’s getting better. I used to be really skinny.”
“Mm hmm. Must have a metabolism like a freight train because I can eat anything I get my hands on.”
“Oh really,” he said being flirty.
“I remember when I first saw you last year, or started taking notice of you. I remember thinking that ‘here’s a really cute guy.’”
“You remember where I was when you saw me?”
“Oh hell no. Probably the cafeteria. Tell me, have you always worn such tight jeans, my friend?”
He laughed at this. It was easy to get him to laugh, something that I’d discovered in the past eight weeks or so. And he was a really nice guy, to boot.
“You really notice a guy, don’t you,” he said with a smile.
“Not all of them. Some guys are ugly enough to haunt houses.” I rolled my eyes and he died laughing. “Well?” I said, “at least they could stay indoors.” He laughed even harder.
“So you just want me for my bod, is that it,” again with the smile.
“Oh, I’m so crushed,” he said, grabbing at his chest like he’d been shot.
“Nahhh, you’re funny too,” I said flippantly.
We both settled back in our chairs again. The moon had journeyed even further across the October sky, the high branches of the pine trees blocking it from our view. I wasn’t nervous anymore. I guess we had kinda talked through my nervousness. I don’t know if Alan was nervous or not. He didn’t seem like it. I thought I’d play a joke on him.
“So, you ready to take me home?” That got his attention.
“Uh…uhm. Yeah,” he said, a little taken back. He went to stand up from his chair and I laughed, rising too.
We were standing just a few inches apart and I put my hand on his arm, his bicep to be exact. “Alan, I’m just kidding.”
He looked a bit relieved and laughed, I thought a little nervously. “Geeze, I thought you were serious.”
“You know…I think we’ve been wasting some time tonight with a lot of thinking and talking.” I’m a bit taller than Alan, by an inch or two, so I was looking down into his eyes a little.
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, “I didn’t mean to bring up anything bad-“
I silenced him with two fingers. “Shhhh,” I told him. “You didn’t,” I shook my head and spoke softly. I let my eyes wander over his face, from his eyes down to his mouth and back again. I tilted my head and leaned in a bit, the straightened up again. His eyes also moved up and down my face. I tilted my head again the other way and leaned in, again, stepping into his space a little more. We were both breathing pretty heavily now.
“You’ve been here before, haven’t you,” I stated in a whisper.
He looked down at my lips and simply shook his head ‘no.’
“Me neither. But I am so dyin’ to do this…” and I leaned in and pressed my lips gently against his. The feelings were like a shockwave all over my body. I’d never kissed a guy before and all of the evening’s nervousness leading up to this point exploded through my spine. The kiss itself was soft and tender and lasted for a few moments. I broke away first and tilted my head back a bit.
“Christ,” I muttered.
“Nope. Alan, thanks,” he whispered back. I laughed a bit but stopped when he took my face in his hands and pulled my lips back to his, this time kissing me with more of an appetite. I reached my hands around his chest, beneath his upheld arms and held him closer to me. His chest was pressed against mine as we started a really passionate pace to our kissing. I was on a high like I’d never known before.
The more we kissed the more his hands traveled over my body; his fingers running through my hair then down my back. I just held for dear life. I never wanted to let him go. All of a sudden he pressed his mouth more fully onto mine and I felt his tongue flicking at my lips, so I opened my mouth to do the same. The feeling was wild. I was going bezerk in my mind as the pants around my crotch got tighter and tighter.
While I held his face with my hands Alan stroked his way down my back and started rubbing and squeezing my ass, pulling my hardening crotch into his. I broke our kiss and muttered “Fuck” as he ground our crotches together. “You’re fuckin’ killing me,” I whispered.
“Want me to stop?” he said, still grinding his cock into mine.
“I’ll kill you if you do.” Then I started deep kissing him again, our tongues wrestling and flicking against the wetness of our mouths. But I broke our kiss again. “I’m fuckin’ gonna cum in my pants if we don’t slow down,” I said, out of breath.
He chuckled, and I could feel it in my chest through his. As I stood there he leaned in and started sucking on my neck, then licking all around beneath my chin to the other side, then tracing my jaw line with his tongue up to my ear. Christ!
“Alan, Alan, Alan,” I said.
I turned my head and kissed him again. Our mouths opened up and we started practically chewing on each other’s mouth. We were so damn hungry for each other we could’ve climbed into each other’s skin. “I’m so fuckin’ crazy about you,” I muttered.
This time he broke the kiss. “You are?” he asked.
“Oh hell, yeah. I just didn’t know it until now.” We both laughed at that.
“Let’s go inside. I’m gettin’ cold out here.”
“Lead the way, big boy,” I said in a goofy voice, at which he laughed.
He kissed me one more time and then nodded towards the house, gesturing for me to follow him.