I opened the door to my house, threw my bag on the floor and leapt onto my bed burying my head into my pillow. School hadn’t been bad today, just a normal day at a normal school with normal classes. He had been there of course, he was there every day. But it didn’t bother me much; me and the majority of the female population of my school had liked him for as long as I could remember. So I was used to the constant yearning. Some days the yearning was worse, those days I would just want to stride on up to him and say “Look Zach I know you’re not gay, and even if you were you wouldn’t be interested in me. But I have to tell you for my own mind to be at ease, I LOVE YOU!”. I never actually did say that, come on, that would take way more guts than I had.
I rolled onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. It was an old ceiling with those ancient boards crossing it making squares. My whole house is old-style in general. Our property is separated into three houses all in close proximity to each other. There was the “Big House” where the rest of the family lived, the “Middle House” which was where I lived and the “Cottage” which was un-occupied. Now, my house wasn’t some massive house, it was like a “Granny Flat” (I hated calling it that), it just had a room with a bathroom. I loved it none the less; the privacy was great, no annoying parents interrupting during important moments…
I often lied on bed looking at the ceiling wishing there was some hot guy, Zach, lying next to me. That was never the case. But, hey, there’s no harm in wishin’.
My stomach started grumbling so I got up and started walking over to the big house to get something to eat. I had mowed the lawn a day earlier so it was brittle under my feat as I walked over it. Our kitchen was modest, nothing spectacular, just the usual kitchen I suppose. I opened the pantry and looked everything over, there was plenty of food but it all required at least 10 minutes of preparation which I could not be bothered with. The only alternative was something from the fruit bowl which sat directly in the centre of the dining room table; I grabbed an apple and started eating it whilst feeling pleased with myself for eating healthy. Zach would be proud I thought to myself with a smile, it quickly turned to a frown because it only reminded me that Zach wasn’t my boyfriend. He wasn’t even a friend, I couldn’t even be sure he knew I existed.
I planned on putting some music on really loudly to distract myself from the lonely feeling that was circulating through my body like some kind of poison. Loud music and crazy dancing usually did the trick and brought me out of whatever sadness I was in, just letting loose and waving my arms and legs about was liberating as was the laughter that came as a result of me imagining what I would have looked like dancing crazily in the middle of the lounge to someone walking up the driveway. Just to be sure I checked that nobody was walking up the driveway before moving to the stereo system to put some music on. My finger was a few centimetres away from the Play button when the phone started ringing, I silently said to myself This better be Nate or whoever it is will be shouted at for daring to interrupt me even though the person would have no way of knowing I was about to crazy dance. I just didn’t like being interrupted.
“Helloo” I said with a mouthful of apple.
“Hey…” came Nate’s bored voice. I sighed, it WAS Nate. That was good, if dancing crazily failed to make me feel better then talking to Nate always did. Just hearing his bored voice in itself made me feel a better, it’s hard to explain but Nate and I are such good friends and he knows so much about me that I never need to explain myself to him. He just knows exactly how I am feeling and what I am thinking without me actually having to say anything to him. Most of the time this was good but on occasion it becomes annoying. Like now, for example, he would know that I was feeling alone and depressed without me even mentioning it to him.
“I was hoping it would be you, I was about to do some crazy dancing” I said. Nate knew all about my crazy dancing, he had been exposed to it on so many occasions that it was just a normal behaviour for me from his point of view.
“Don’t let him get to down Jess” Nate said ‘’…God knows how many times I have sat in this spot with the phone pressed against my ear listening to you cry over him. It’s not healthy and you know it’’. He wasn’t trying to be mean, just truthful. Nate really had been on the receiving end of my ‘Zach Babble’, as he calls it, too many times to count.
“I know” I sighed ‘’…I try to block him out and get on with life but it’s like he is burned into the centre of my mind and everything revolves around him’’
“I know Jess, I really do and I get it but you have to be realistic…there are plenty of other nice guys out there who would love to be with you” Nate said.
I knew there were other guys who wanted me but they didn’t compare to Zach, he was in a league of his own. A league that I didn’t come close to, he was at the top of the pyramid and I was at the bottom. Things like a relationship between Zach and I just did not happen. It was like a law of nature; someone like Zach was never in a relationship with someone like me. I had repeated that to myself so many times in a desperate bid to get over him but it didn’t work, nothing I tried could stop me liking Zach. I even tried some magic spells I had read on the internet but the only thing they did was make me feel stupid and pathetic.
“Yeah but…’’ I whispered in exasperation as I sat down on the sofa. I had finished my apple and threw it out into the kitchen into the recycling bin. Zach would be pro – I cut myself off mid thought. I HAD to stop thinking things like that.
“But what Jess? You are a good looking guy, you just need to get out and be seen. You can’t expect to find a guy if you spend all your time at home’’ Nate said. If it had come from anyone else I would have hung up but from Nate I accepted it, he was right of course. I couldn’t expect to find a guy if I didn’t put myself out there but it wasn’t that simple. I didn’t have a lot of confidence and going to a club was more of a nightmare to me than something enjoyable. The thought of dancing with a whole lot of random people rubbing up against me made me shiver, I would rather sit by myself than go and do something like that. I wasn’t confident enough with myself; I was riddled with too much self doubt to be in a place like that.
Before I could respond Nate continued ‘’How bout we go clubbing this weekend? I know you HATE it and I hate it too but it will do us both some good to get out. You’re not the only single one remember? I need to find myself a guy too; I’m just more open to different guys than you. I’m not hell bent on acquiring the most un-acquirable guy in the entire fucking school’’
I had something smart to say but forgot it before it had the chance to come out of my mouth so I just groaned loud enough so Nate could hear. He was gay too but wasn’t obsessed with getting Zach like I was; we liked different kinds of guys. He liked the ‘independent thinking’ quirky guys while I liked the gorgeous straight jock type. It’s not hard to guess who was most likely to succeed in getting their dream guy.
‘’It’s settled then, we will go clubbing on Saturday night. You pick me up at 10pm, Ok?’’ Nate asked. He didn’t have a car or a driving license which meant it was either me or his parents that drove him to and from places. He was old enough to have his full license but claimed that he was ‘too scared’ to drive. Personally I think he was just too lazy to study and take the test, especially when he could avoid paying for petrol and car maintenance by getting other people to drive him where he needed to go.
I groaned again but managed to say yes. I could see Nate’s satisfied smiled as if he was sitting directly in front of me.
“Cool. You just wait and see Jess, guys will be all over you’’ he said. What he failed to mention was the fact that those guys would be the exact opposite of what I was looking for. I wanted a guy who was a guy not a guy who acted like a girl and pranced around the place with a lisp and a handbag. I would rather be with a girl than a guy like that.
“Anyways I gotta go, see you tomorrow” he said ‘’…and Jess?’’
‘’What?’’ I responded
‘’Try not to cry yourself to sleep wishing Zach was lying next to you and don’t take more sleeping pills than you were prescribed. The last time you did that you slept for 18 hours’’
‘’Ok ok, I won’t take more pills than prescribed but I can’t say that I won’t cry myself to sleep’’ I said. Nate was the only person I would even consider admitting that I cried myself to sleep to, it made me feel so pathetic and weak but I couldn’t help it. Some nights were easier than others, but more often than not Zach was the last thought on my mind before sleep finally claimed me.
“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow” Nate said before hanging up. Shit. What the fuck had I got myself into, clubbing was the last thing I wanted to do on a Saturday night but I had just agreed to it. What the fuck was I thinking? Nate had a way of making things sound much better than they really were. Yeah, that was it, Nate’s ability to make things sound better than they were. Or was it that I was so desperate for someone that I was willing to put myself through something as traumatic as clubbing?
I left the phone on the sofa and headed back over to my little house. It was winter so in that small period of time it took me to talk to Nate and eat an apple it had gotten darker, not so dark that I couldn’t see where I was going but dark enough that I walked faster in case somebody attacked me. The dark always scared me, I was paranoid that someone or something was going to emerge from the shadows and do away with me. That never happened but it didn’t stop me worrying about it and keeping a hunting knife under my pillow.
A few seconds later when I arrived at my house I quickly locked the door and threw the mass of keys into the middle of the room. I learned that if I left them in the centre of the room they were easier to find. I used to hide them to make myself feel better but almost always forgot where I had hidden them, thus me throwing them into the centre of the room originated. I closed all of my curtains precisely so that it was impossible for anyone to see inside and took my t-shirt and jeans off leaving just my boxer-briefs. People usually slept with some kind of top on during winter but I had an electric blanket and three duvets so I was always warm.
I grabbed my sleeping pills and took 4 (even though only prescribed 2) and chuckled to myself as I swallowed them because I could imagine Nate’s shocked expression that I had so blatantly defied him after saying that I would only take the prescribed amount. I just wanted the blackness of sleep, the only place where I could escape the pain of unrequited love. Sometimes I dreamt about Zach and how we were together and in love, I cherished those dreams because it was as close as I was ever going to get to the real thing. I had tried many times to have a lucid dream about him but it was too difficult and required more concentration and patience than I had.
I wrapped my blankets around me and switched my electric blanket off because it had already heated the bed up from when I had switched it on earlier, Mum slept with hers on but I was always scared mine would set itself on fire and I would burn to death in my sleep. The double dose of sleeping pills did their job, a little bit too effectively because when I woke up tangled in my duvet the morning sun burst through the windows on the east side of my house. I had different curtains on each window and the ones on the biggest set of windows on the east side were purple [I know, gay, but I didn’t choose them. Mum did] and didn’t block much light out so once I woke up it was almost impossible to go back to sleep.
I lay there for a few minutes before sliding out from under the blankets and onto my feet. I had a feeling that it was later in the morning than usual because of how bright the sun was and was stunned to find it was 10 O’clock! I shouted several obscenities as I rushed into the bathroom and turned the shower on.
School started at 8.30am and it usually took me about an hour to get ready so that meant I had missed three classes and had THREE TEACHERS TO DEAL WITH. I showered in half my usual time and pretty much flew over the lawn to the big house to get some clothes out of the dryer and some food. It was a banana that I chose and devoured in a few bites.
I grabbed car keys and bag and went out into the garage and got into my car. I loved my car, it was a 1990 Celica 2 Seater Red Coupe. I plugged my iPod into the stereo system and started Let’s Hear It for My Boy. I didn’t usually listen to such gay music but was in an upbeat mood and didn’t really want my ears bashed with some heavy metal like most mornings.
As I was driving in to school I had to go through some road works. I hadn’t expected this but I didn’t think much of it, both my windows were down so the people working the road could easily hear my music. It didn’t even cross my mind that any of them would get angry with the music I was playing but because the speed limit was 20km/hr the really got an ear full as it took me a while to make my way through. A few of the men working on the side of the road scowled at me as if I had personally offended them but I didn’t think much of it as I continued on to school.
I arrived at the student car park with a Linkin Park song playing, it went in direct contradiction with what I wanted to hear but I left it on just in case Zach was by some random chance in the car park and heard it, there was no way I wanted him to hear Let’s Hear It For My Boy and knew he liked Linkin Park because I had heard him talk about them once in Advanced Calculus. The sound was blaring out the windows and anyone within 30 meters could have heard it clearly.
As I was scouring the car park for a spare place I saw his car. Yes, his. I was so busy staring at his car that I almost collided with the school librarian (who on Thursday would be the school student car park warden. She would Issue tickets to all cars without a student ID number and special sticker signed by the principal on the windscreen). I swerved and past the librarian who looked like she wanted to physically assault me and continued closer to Zach’s car hoping there would be a free space next to it. To my stunned disbelief there WAS a free park directly next to his car. I revved my engine and using my totally amazing parking skills (if you knew me you would be laughing uncontrollably at this) to park next to his car. It took me a few minutes to get it just right which coincided nicely with the librarian leaving the car park.
I turned the engine off and checked my hair in the rear view mirror. It was fine. I had to make sure that I was at least presentable because Zach would be in the first class I attended as I had missed the first three. I grabbed my bag and my books that I would need for the remainder of that day (my car sufficed for a locker. We had lockers at our school. But they weren’t like the ones you see on TV. They were like little wooden boxes attached to a wall about the size of a little mailbox). I unplugged my iPod from the car audio system and plugged my head phones into it and selected shuffle, the song that came on was Beautiful Day. I had no idea just how much of a beautiful day it would be.
The class I ended up having at the time I arrived was Advanced Calculus. It was one my favourites, mainly because Zach was in it. You are probably shocked to hear that the captain of the high school baseball team and all round jock was in an Advanced Calculus class and I was shocked too, at first. I remembered the day vividly; I was sitting with Nate talking loudly about how much I disliked the teacher [who was not in the room at the time] when I saw Zach’s ripped and totally stunning body walk into the room. I was pretty much paralysed as I gazed at him, his swirly blue eyes swept past mine as he laughed at something his friend was saying. There was a shimmer of recognition and something else in his eyes as they swept past mine but I was too stunned to dwell on it. I found out later that his Dad was really good friends with the teacher Mrs Harleth and she let him in because of some arrangement they had. I heard him saying in a conversation with one of his friends that he needs Advanced Calculus for a course in Uni he wants to do. I, on the other hand, took Advanced Calculus because I loved it. Crazy I know. There was something about calculus that I just loved. I wasn’t a nerd or a geek, I just liked that there was an answer to Calculus problems. You just had to know how to figure it out. There wasn’t any if’s, why’s and maybe’s just an answer.
Unfortunately it was already quarter of the way through the class so there would no inconspicuous arrival; I would have to walk in front of the entire class and Mrs Harleth to get to where Nate and I usually sat. I was not looking forward to it, at all; I dreaded having to be in front of people and typically avoided situations like that at all costs. In my first year of high school if I was late for a class I simply would not go so as to avoid walking into the room full of people who would undoubtedly stare at me as I made my way in front them to a seat. This fear of being in front of people caused trouble when it came to speeches in English class, not for me but for the teacher. I just flat out refused to do speeches, it meant I missed out on credits but there was absolutely no way I was going to get up in front of a class full of people and talk. I didn’t give a shit about the consequences. By the time I reached my current year which was coincidentally my senior year the teachers were used to not asking me to talk in front of the class of give speeches, however, I had overcome my fear of walking in late.
“Remember to depress the quintric first if possible. Also, you will not be able to find the roots to anything above order 5. This is because of whose theorem Mr. Jordan?” I heard Mrs. Harleth asking Zach as I bounced my way into the room.
As I walked in she forgot about what she was asking and gave me her death gaze, it really was a death gaze. I’m sure if a child was confronted with it they would either die or go into a coma for several years.
“And what time do you call this?” she hissed at me. I didn’t really care what she had to say because I wasn’t frightened of her, even though she was an imposing and intimidating person I had long got over my fear of her. This being the case I still didn’t want a detention so I did my best to smile apologetically at her. She kept hissing things at me; it was almost like she was talking pastletongue [for the Harry Potter fans out there].
I pretended that I couldn’t hear her and jived my way to my seat, I still had my headphones on and iPod going so I had a little dance going on. I could hear a few people chuckling and whispers but I was unphased by it, I found myself hilarious and was to busy mentally laughing at myself to care about what anyone else thought.
“MR WILLIAMS THIS IS NOT A DANCE CLASS! IF YOU WISH TO DANCE THEN I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO GIVE YOU DETENTION AND YOU CAN DANCE YOUR WAY THERE” she shouted. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t hear that so I took my headphones out and looked up into her eyes. Not many people did this because of her ‘death stare’ but I wasn’t bothered with it and held her gaze. It was best for me to just apologise than have a drawn out argument with her and I didn’t want detention.
‘’Oh, sorry Mrs Harleth…’’ I said in my best apologetic tone ‘’…I had to take my brother to school’’.
Nate was laughing because of my dancing and because he knew I didn’t have a brother.
‘’And that took you three hours?’’ she retorted.
I shrugged ‘’Well, you see, my car doors have these lights on them which stay on if I leave one of the doors open and I accidentally left one open last night and because the light was on all night my battery was way drained and the car would start so I had to hook it up to a charger which almost exploded because I did it wrong then my brother started crying…’’
‘’ALRIGHT, I have heard enough…’’ Mrs Harleth said cutting me off ‘’…maybe Mr Williams if you were half as intelligent as you think you are you would have remembered to shut the door and you would have made it on time’’
I heard a few people go ‘ooooooo’ in that tone that only comes about when something completely gossip worthy has happened. Even though intelligence has little to do with forgetting to close a car door it still pissed me off that she had said it. I smiled happily back at her and shrugged again, letting her win this little fight was the easiest way out of trouble. She would be smug for the rest of the lesson but that was bearable compared to an hour of detention with detention people.
Nate smiled over at me “Where have you been?” he whispered.
“A little complication with my sleeping pills” I whispered back. I immediately regretted it because Nate took my pills much more seriously than I did so I would no doubt be lectured on proper ‘pill taking procedure’ at lunch time.
“I told you not to fuck around with those fucking sleeping pills Jesse” he said. I could see in his eyes that he was really concerned and I couldn’t help feeling guilty, making Nate worried wasn’t one of my favourite things to do. I hated seeing him get that look in his eyes that I was seeing right then.
“Sorry” I said hurriedly ‘’…I wasn’t looking’’. That was a complete lie and both of us new it but thankfully he left it at that, for then. I knew I could be hearing about it later.
“You might not wake up the next day. And besides, who’s gunna stare at Zach all period if you’re not here” he said shielding himself from the inevitable punch to the arm. I blushed even though I knew that nobody had heard. It was true, I spent most of the period stealing every possible glance I could at Zach. It wouldn’t have been surprised if I developed some kind of neck problem with the amount of times I turned my head to see him. Keep in mind all of these glances were extremely stealthy, I’m positive he had no idea I was doing it.
Mrs Harleth seemed to have forgotten about the entire me being late thing as she began to hand out worksheets. That was the good thing about her; she had the memory of a sieve. Today’s work was on Fourier’s expansion. Just looking at the formula was daunting, there were so many symbols and even though I knew everyone of them I also knew it would require a lot of button pressing on the calculator. I had a graphics calculator which I believed was the only reason I had done so well in Mathematics the year before. It did pretty much everything for me.
Nate and I worked in silence until there was ten minutes before the end of class which is when I felt him nudging my foot under the desk. I look over at him and he moved his head ever so slightly in the direction of Zach whilst still pretending to do work.
I looked over to see what he was trying to signal and saw Zach staring directly at me. Our eyes met for a millisecond then he dropped his gaze to his desk, in that millisecond I saw something in his eyes, something that my heart wanted so badly to believe but that my mind was to afraid to accept out of fear. My mind didn’t want to accept it out of fear that it wasn’t true, out of fear that my eyes were playing tricks on me. So many times I had caught Zach stealing glances in my direction but each time I had put it down to coincidence, this time was different, this time when our eyes connected for that millisecond I saw my longing returned in his eyes. It felt like I was cracking open with disbelief at what I had seen but it wasn’t long before self doubt made an ugly appearance convincing me that it was coincidence. After all, why would Zach want me? Why would Zach look at me like that?
The bell rung and everyone started packing their bags; I shoved everything in my bag as quickly as I could, putting my headphones on at the same time. I didn’t really care what song it was I just wanted loud noise and I wanted it fast. I needed to get out of that class, out into the fresh air so I could think about what had happened. My mind was racing with so many thoughts that I was lost in it, my body just walking on auto-pilot. With my mind elsewhere I wasn’t paying much attention to what was going on around me just the general direction I was going in.
A few steps out of the door a body came crashing down on top of me, I don’t quite know how it happened or for what reason but to this day I will be thankful for it. I tried to shove the body off mine but it was way too heavy and I was way too weak, I started swearing and cussing at whoever was on top of me. And believe me when I started swearing and cussing it ain’t pretty, some horrifyingly nasty stuff comes out my mouth when I’m angry. Finally the body stood and turned looking down at me, it was Zach.
‘’Dude I’m so sorry’’ he said offering his hand to help me stand. I wanted so badly to grab that strong hand of his but I was also worried that he might sense how I really felt about him. The fact that he could know all of my feelings simply by touching me made perfect sense at the time and I couldn’t let it happen. It would be too devastatingly embarrassing for me if he knew how I felt about him.
Zach noticed my hesitation and looked a hurt ‘’It’s Ok Jess, I’m not going to hurt you’’ he said boring into me with those gorgeous swirling blue eyes of his.
Those eyes could get me to do anything and before I knew my hand was in his and I was standing in front of him. Some people are so fucking beautiful and hot and gorgeous that when you see them words leave you and so does your breath, Zach was one of those people. And true to the words I just wrote my breath went rushing out of my lungs and words refused to come. We just stood there staring at each other until Nate [God bless that boy] tapped me on my shoulder and reminded me we had to go to physics. I assumed that meant he wanted me to go with him, but no, instead Nate walked off towards Physics leaving me with Zach. So much anger came surging out of my eyes I wouldn’t have been surprised if burned holes in the wall. Unfortunately for Zach he caught sight of this anger which he assumed was directed at him.
‘’Anyone would think you didn’t want to be left alone with me’’ Zach said still smiling that smile of his. I didn’t really know how to respond to that so I chose instead to remind him we had to go Physics.
‘’We’d better go to Physics’’ I said before walking in the direction of the Physics room. Zach looked disappointed as he followed me to Physics, he also looked frustrated. Like he was angry at himself for doing something wrong, I didn’t have time to figure out what that was because we arrived at Physics. I was about to walk in the door when I felt Zach’s hand wrap around my wrist pulling me back into the middle of the hall.
This was beyond my level of coping ability. For a few seconds I just stared at his hand in total disbelief. I just could not believe that he had just grabbed my wrist. His hand was warm but not sweaty, I can’t even describe how electrifying it was to have him touch me. It was like there was actual tangible electricity flowing between us. I stood there frozen not having the slightest clue as to how I should act or what I should say.
I shut my eyes and counted to ten whilst taking several deep breaths is a desperate bid to calm myself down. I opened my eyes to see yet again Zach’s beautiful face staring back at me. The calming effect of my deep breathing and counting to ten vanished in that instant, I could barely function. This might seem an over reaction to you but for me to be standing there in physical contact with Zach which I had been dreaming about for five years it was just too much.
“I’m not gunna hurt you Jesse, I just need to tell you some stuff?” Zach said, he sounded and looked nervous.
I gathered myself, trying to look dignified instead of like some foolish schoolgirl standing in front of her crush;
“Ok, where do you wanna go?’’ I asked. I was more than a little bit impressed with how calm my voice was, I was constantly amazing myself.
Zach seemed to remember that he was still gripping my wrist and quickly let it go, the electricity stopped and my whole body was consumed with the need to have contact with him again. I just wanted to be in his arms. Wrapped up in his arms. I sighed, that was impossible. Whatever this was about it wasn’t going to be that, he probably wanted my help with Calculus and even though I was in love with him I would refuse to be his tutor for two reasons. The first reason is that being a tutor is nerdy and I AM NOT a nerd, I just liked calculus. I wasn’t particularly amazing at it, Nate was much better than me. The second reason being that if I was to be in a situation like that with just Zach I would spend the whole time freaking out and never get any tutoring done. Tutoring the Jock I thought bitterly to myself, it sounded too much like some pathetic love story thought up by a 13 year old nerd with no friends. No, I definitely would NOT be tutoring anyone especially Zach Jordan.
‘’I know a place’’ he said smiling his dazzling smile at me ‘’…just follow me’’.
I nodded and followed him out of the hall and onto the field. PE class had already begun and there were people meandering around the field waiting for the teacher to give them instructions, half of them were wearing yellow t-shirts and the other half red t-shirts. Zach kept walking past all the students until we were nearing the end of the field where the only things around were trees, there was one massive tree that I particularly liked. I would often go and sit at the base of it if I was having a bad day and just dream. The field was so massive and the PE class so far away that there was no way they could hear us. And if we sat on the other side of the tree they wouldn’t able to see us either, I didn’t know if I preferred that because I was still worried about what exactly Zach wanted.
He was waiting for me at the bottom of one of the big oaks. He looked so stunning in the mid day sun. I could see his abs through his t-shirt as he sat down at the bottom of the massive trunk. God, this boy was breath taking. Sitting beneath this tree that twisted up out of the ground as if God himself had pulled it upwards was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen as if he too was created especially by God. I’m not a religious person but seeing Zach made me a believer, how could someone so perfect not be created by God. It was as if Zach himself had fallen out of heaven, I was quite sure that there was no more attractive person in the Universe than Zach.
I sat down next to him in silence.
“It’s nice back here in the sun, don’t ya think?” he asked.
“Yeah…it’s nice” I said. I already knew how nice it was because I had sat in the very same spot as him on so many occasions over my five years at that school that I had lost count. I didn’t want him to know that though because it would make me look even more pathetic. How? I don’t know. I just didn’t want him to know.
“You don’t say much do you?” Zach asked. He was trying to sound calm but I could sense that he was nervous; he was playing with the strap on his back-pack.
“Well, I’m kinda wondering why it is you brought me all the way back here” I said trying to sound friendly. I was so confused; I didn’t know what to make of the situation so I just sat there in silence after I had spoken waiting for him to say something.
Zach looked into my eyes “You can go back if you want” he said attempting to mask the hurt in his voice. None of this was making any sense to me but I knew that if I left I would never find out why he wanted to be alone with me at the back of the field.
“No no I like it” I said. And I did, it was certainly better than sitting in Physics class.
“Jess, I’m not going to hurt you” he said in regards to the distance I had put between him and myself. I moved over so we were both leaning against the trunk side by side. Both of our legs were lying flat and straight directly out in front of us. I put my hands in my pockets and Zach continued to play with the strap of his back-pack.
“I'm not trying to say that I don’t like it here Zach. I just don’t get why you brought out here, alone, when you I'm gay and what people would say if they saw us”. I needed to say this, I couldn’t relax and sit there, I had to know.
“Who cares what they say. Since when do you care what people say?” Zach demanded.
“I don’t care because I’ve got nothing to lose, but you have everything to lose. Think about it, you’re the captain of the 1st ranked Baseball team this half of the country, people are always watching what you do and hangin’ around with a gay guy is not something they’re gunna be to happy about!” I shouted at him
“SO FUCKING WHAT!…” he shouted ‘’…SINCE WHEN DID YOU CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME?’’
How the fuck was I supposed to respond to that? Tell him that I love him more than life itself and that THAT is the reason I care? Tell him that I just want to know why he brought me back to that tree, after all that is the whole reason all this was happening. Because Zach brought me back to this tree.
I sat there and looked at him as his body convulsed with emotion and did the only thing I knew how to do, love him. I reached over and gently placed my hand in between his shoulder blades. He didn’t move, he kept crying folded up into his knees. His back was so warm and I could feel his muscles through his thin cotton shirt, contracting every now and again as he cried.
I began rubbing gently around the area where I had placed my hand, trying to let him know through my touch that I was there for him. I wanted to take the pain out through his skin and into me through my palm, I knew I couldn’t, but I just hated seeing him this way.
He breathing became steadier and more relaxed. I couldn’t hear the soft sob in voice that was there before. It was time to talk and we both knew it. He leaned back from his knees and rested against the trunk again while stretching his legs back out alongside mine.
“You make me feel weird” he spoke softly as he looked out onto the field ‘’…I don’t know how else to explain it. You just make me feel all weird’’
Yet again I had no clue as to what to say, I mean there really isn’t much to say to something like that. Oh, thanks Zach, you make me feel weird too?
He sighed deeply as if there was more he wanted to say but that he was too scared to say it. I knew that I would have to speak first, to put him at ease.
‘’You make me feel weird too’’ I said. I winced at how stupid of a response that was; I couldn’t believe I had said something so ridiculous.
Zach looked over at me quizzically ‘’I guess we make each other feel weird then?’’ he said laughing at himself. I laughed too, it was quite funny. Although I knew what the ‘weird’ feeling was, it was love. At least I knew it was love on my part, I didn’t know if Zach’s ‘weird’ was the same as mine but I hoped it was. I was so close to just blurting out how much I loved him, how I had always loved him and would continue to for the rest of my life but I didn’t. I was too much of a coward to just say it.
“Zach” I said softly, pleading, desperate “please just tell me why you brought me out here. I know I don’t deserve being fucked around. It’s just not fair. So please tell me” I said looking into his eyes. They were no longer beaming into me but confused and wet.
Zach breathed deeply and looked me directly in the eyes “I don’t know why I brought you out here Jess. I just like being around you. And I wanted to be alone with you so no one else could get your attention. I just like you Jess, I like your smile and your eyes, the way you light up every room you go into. I could sit and watch you for the rest of my life and I would die happy…’’ he paused to gauge my reaction but realised he was beyond the point of no return and continued ‘’…when you’re around you make my heart jump, I get energized, and I get happy about life. And when I look at you I know that I feel something, I just don’t know what it is. It’s not the same as what I feel when I look at girls, it’s different but in a good way. It confuses me Jess because I don’t know what to do about it and I have wanted you to love me back so much that it kills me every time I see you. I am confused. I know your gay, maybe I am but I don’t fucken know. I don’t feel attracted to any other guys, I'm only physically attracted to girls, but with you Jess I love everything. What does that make me?” he finished.
I was speechless. I was so shocked that I cannot print it in English. My dreams had come true, and I was standing there dumbfounded. Now that this had actually happened I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid that if I spoke I might wake up. Things like this just did not happen in real life. I had read stories where it had happened but they were just stories, not real. They were written because of the very fact that it did not happen like that in real life. That is why people read them, to get a small whisper of a feeling of what it might actually be like. But here I was, in the real world with Zach who had just told me he loved me. It had happened. How? No idea, but it HAD happened and that was the main thing.
“I don’t know what you are Zach. Only you can answer that” I replied, it sounded more philosophical that I intended but got the point across.
Zach reached over to grab my hand and when he did all of my mental barriers just crashed down, it was like a mental explosion. This was it. I knew it, the time had come for me to tell him. To tell Zachary Jordan how I felt.
“ZACHARY JORDAN. I LOVE YOU TOO YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH. How the fuck could I not love you. Haven’t you seen me staring at you every fucken day, I live and breathe for you Zachary. I love you so much that it is painful just to see you walk past me because I know that I can never be with you, I’ve prayed every night for the past five years that you would love me back” I said.
“Well you can if you want” he said tenderly ‘’…be with me, I mean’’
There it was; Zachary Jordan had just offered himself to me. He actually wanted to be with me. I could have screamed out of sheer excitement and happiness but that would not be the most appropriate way to start a relationship with Zach. I would have to gradually expose him to my crazy until he became used to it. How odd it felt to sit there thinking about how I might slowly expose my crazy to Zach, it was like some kind of bizarre fantasy but real.
‘’Zach, Oh My God, there is honestly NOTHING I would like more in this world that to be with you. I can’t believe this is happening, it is, isn’t it?’’ I looked over at him.
He smiled really big and nodded ‘’Yeah this is really happening. Are you sure you want to be with me though?’’. There was innocence to the way he asked the question, like a kid asking an adult a question. Except there was no kid and no adult, just Zach and I sitting side by side under a tree talking and holding hands.
‘’Zach, I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life’’ I stated bluntly so that he would get that I really meant it.
‘’…cause if we start bein together then you decide you don’t wanna be together anymore…I don’t think I could handle that Jess’’ he said softly ‘’…it’s gotta be forever or nothin’’
I felt the exact same way; I knew that if this was going to happen it would have to be forever because if he stopped loving me I would die. If not just instantly then I would kill myself. To have Zach then not to have him would be more pain that I could bare. Literally, I’m not joking in the slightest. I would die.
I loved the feeling of Zach’s hand on mine but I didn’t want to push the physical contact in case it was too soon, he would have to be the one to make the next move, physically.
‘’Forever Zach, I want to be with you forever…’’ I said ‘’…I would die Zach if you stopped loving me after today. I would literally die, I couldn’t handle having your love then not having it’’
He smiled confidently ‘’Well don’t worry about that Jess because I can promise you that you will always have my love. Always’’
I nodded and smiled. I realised that I had never been happier in life than I was at that moment. Everything had fallen into place, albeit in the most odd fashion, but that fact that it had was what mattered.
We sat there looking at each other, drinking each other in. Then Zach just picked me up off the ground and pulled me into a hug, the electricity surged from him body into mine. This was right, this was how it was supposed to be. It was as if at that very moment our souls touched, I felt like I could stand there in his arms forever. It was like there were sparks in the air around us, it felt like there should be a parade just to symbolise how powerful the bond between us was. The whole town should give us a parade I thought, they should. This moment was so amazing, so astonishing that I felt like going and personally telling everyone in the town just how awesome I felt. Telling them about how just touching Zach was electrical, how this was my dream and it was actually true. That love like the love we shared did come around all that often and that is was me, Jesse Williams, and him, Zach Jordan, that were sharing it.
“I don’t wanna let you go” I whispered into his ear. I DID NOT want to let him go, there was so much energy and well, love, circulating between us that I felt so ALIVE and awake. I had never felt like this before. There was a whole new level of life I had just reached, I was on a higher vibration and Zach was on it to. It was like I spent all of my life in the darkness compared with how I felt at that moment.
“You don’t have to’’ he whispered back, almost pleading me not to. I had waited so long, too long, for that moment that I wasn’t going to. I was just going to stand there in Zach’s arms until I fell asleep. I don’t know how long we stood their, time was irrelevant, the fact was that finally I was with Zach. All of the crying myself to sleep, all of the over medicating myself, all of the complaining to Nate, all of the utter yearning, all of it was over. This magical moment was burned into my mind replacing the sorrow and pain with happiness and joy. It was honestly like I had been reborn as this new person.
Eventually we had to face reality and head back to class, I was terrified that once we left that field I would wake up or Zach would start laughing and tell me it was all a joke. I did not want to leave him and I knew he felt the same because all the way back to the other side of the field he held my hand tightly like he was afraid I might run away. I would only ever run away with Zach. Never without him.
“I’d better go” I said turning towards my class. I turned my head to say goodbye over my shoulder but he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for one passion filled kiss. I could feel the excitement behind it, it was like a dam that was about to burst.
“Cya” he said as we parted lips
“Bye” I replied turning back toward my class.
DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of fiction and is not in any way based on real events. It contains sexually orientated material between two teenage boys and explicit language. If you are not allowed to read this kind of material in your country or state then please navigate away from this page. Any similarity between the characters and events in thisstory to actual events and people is purely coincidental.
COPYRIGHT: This story is the property is sole property of the Author and may not be re-posted anywhere else without specific permission from the Author. The Author maintains full rights to all of the characters etc in the story. This material has been copyrighted and any infractions will incur legal action. Copyright 2010 Tyler Chapman, All rights reserved.
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