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a soft place to fall

Chapter Five

In the World of Disposable Emotions

January 3 2006

As the day waxed on, Jim wondered how he would handle himself this evening with Phillip. This would be the first time that he had been alone at a meal with Phillip. The church staff had gone to lunch together as a group before, but he had never been alone with Phillip outside of church business and gatherings like this. Jim went home after completing all the items he intended to do that day, and 6:30 quickly approached. Just as he said, Phillip arrived at 6:30 and walked to the front door and rang the bell. Jim watched him as he got out of the car and made his approach to the door. He looked wonderful in his jeans and black pull over shirt. That looked awesome with his black hair. Jim noticed that Phillip was starting to grow stubble on his face and that made him look even better. Jim knew that this was going to be a difficult evening. If he was getting this turned on by Phillip when he was just walking up to the door, then how would he get through dinner and Phillip possibly wanting to come inside and talk. He could not be rude and not go. He prayed a silent prayer for strength before going to answer the door. Jim then walked over and opened the front door.

“So are you ready?” Phillip asked as Jim opened the door completely.

“Oh yeah. I am all set,” Jim responded still noticing the way Phillip’s shirt clung to his nice chest. He could see the chest muscles that he had fantasized over so many times. He caught himself looking at Phillip’s chest instead of at his face as he responded. He quickly adjusted his eyes and closed the door.

“Let’s go and enjoy the evening then.”

Jim and Phillip got in Phillip’s car and headed toward the restaurant near the church. As Jim sat down in the passenger’s seat he could smell the scent of Phillip’s cologne in the car and on Phillip. It was wonderful. It was the typical masculine scented cologne. Jim was struggling at this point. He couldn’t help but to breathe in the smell several times. He had to be careful. He was getting turned on. So, he decided to start up a conversation to take a little of the edge off.

“So how long have you had this car?” Jim asked Phillip.

“Oh, about seven months. I got it here in town. I thought that it would be a little better on gas when I traveled and also it has a great resale value. Plus, it’s a nice looking piece of equipment.”

Jim almost laughed as he heard Phillip say this. He wanted to respond that the car was not the only nice looking piece of machinery he could see. But instead he complimented Phillip on his good taste. They soon pulled up to the restaurant and got out. Phillip led the way and the two were led to a table as soon as they entered and spoke to the hostess. The place was not very crowded. Jim supposed that the new had worn off and most people were out trying something else now. It looked like a nice place and Jim finally decided that he was glad he came with Phillip. Besides, God would give him the strength to get through the evening.

The waitress took their order and the two soon were immersed in conversation. Jim noticed that Phillip’s cologne still filled the air around them. He wished that he could put his face next to Phillip’s neck and get a better smell. He would breathe Phillip’s scent in as he kissed him lightly on the neck. Oh man, how would he manage to get through this? Then, as he was almost in a complete zone, he heard Phillip’s voice.

“Jim, where are you man?” Phillip asked.

“Oh, sorry, Phillip. I was just thinking about my mother. She and I usually go out for lunch on my birthday but she could not be here today because of family business.”

Jim was saddened that he had to tell this little lie. But it was all he could do. He had to concentrate on what was being said in front of him. He could do this if he tried. He decided to try and talk a little himself. That would keep his mind off this beautiful young man in front of him.

“So Phillip, do you have friends in the area outside of the church?” He asked.

“A few. There are several guys I went to college with here in the area. I talk to them a couple of time a week. We catch a movie when we have time. But the youth group and church activities keeps me fairly busy.” Phillip said.

“Oh I understand exactly what you mean.” Jim commented. He understood the pressures of church service and could sympathize with Phillip. The evening rolled along and Jim found himself having a good time. He had moments of weakness during the meal. And at one point, when Phillip left the table to go to the restroom, he found himself staring at the youth minister’s nice, firm butt. He had to watch himself because not only would it be bad if Phillip caught him staring, there may be a member of the church or someone he knew in the restaurant that he had not noticed. It was hard to do, but he would have to keep his eyes in proper places.

Phillip came back to the table and sat down. They had finished eating and were now just sitting and enjoying the after dinner conversation. Then, Phillip looked at him and asked him if he could talk to him about something serious.

Although it made him nervous, Jim answered, “Why sure. What is on your mind?”

“Well, Jim, since I have been at the church, I have noticed that you seem quite distant. At times it seems as if you are in another world. At first I thought that you didn’t care too much for me and were sorry you helped hire me. But then I realized that was not it.”

By this time, Jim was almost sweating bullets. What was behind this question? Did Phillip suspect anything? He had to think fast.

“Well, I have just had a lot on my mind lately. Our church is growing and there are increased demands on me and on the church’s resources. So, I have been carrying that around with me. Plus, there are always family issues to deal with.”

“Yeah, I truly understand. But I don’t mean to pry or suggest anything. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I am just a little worried about you.”

That statement warmed Jim’s heart so much. For this young, beautiful creature to be concerned about his well-being made his pulse race. It also made him fall a little more in love with Phillip. This was good and bad. Jim wanted to cry at that moment because he was confused. Did he rejoice in his heart because the young man cared for him and wanted to see him happy, or did he hurt because he knew that he could never capitalize on these feelings? It was not an easy position. Jim knew that he needed to end the evening because it was getting a little bit difficult to be there. He was confused, and his heart was aching for the young buck in front of him.

“Phillip, I appreciate your concern. Everything is okay. I promise. I have just got a lot to deal with. I really am grateful for your concern. As much as I hate to say it though, we need to head back home. It is getting late and I have a few phone calls to make.”

“Jim, are you sure everything is okay?” Phillip asked.

“Oh yeah, I promise.”

With a heavy heart, Jim got up and the two walked to the door to pay. Phillip paid of course, and the two got in the car and drove home. As Jim got out of the car, he looked at Phillip and said, “Thank you for taking me out to eat for my birthday. You are a really great friend.”

“I was glad to do it. I feel the same way. Have a great night, Jim and I will see you tomorrow at the church.”

“You bet.”

Jim waved goodbye and walked inside. There was a concrete block in his chest and another one in his throat. He wanted to stay in that car and show Phillip how much he loved him. But he could not do that. He went inside alone. But that was how it had to be.

When Jim walked in the front door, the house was dark and empty. He was almost sick because his heart was racing and he longed to have the young youth minister come back and stay the night with him. But he was alone. He didn’t want to be alone though, and he needed to be with someone. Slowly, he walked into the bedroom where his computer was. He logged on and quickly went to a gay chat website. There was an Atlanta room on the site and he had chatted there so many times before. He swore he would never do this, but tonight he needed to feel the warmth of a man. He needed to feel a man’s hands around him and feel all the emotions that came with it. He clicked on the Atlanta chat room and immediately found a willing partner.

Soon, the phone rang and it was a man name Tom. He had never met Tom before, but he was now giving Tom directions to his home. It wasn’t long before Tom got there. Jim heard a car door slam and then the doorbell rang. He walked to the door, shaking from head to toe. Jim had never been with a man. He needed to, though. He needed this he thought to himself. As he neared the door to open it and let Tom in, he saw a picture of his mother sitting on the coffee table in the den. As he walked past it, he picked it up and put it in the table’s only drawer. Tonight, he would just have to disappoint her. She would never know, but he would and that would be hard to deal with. But he would deal with it later. Now he just needed to do this and at least bring a little pleasure into his life if only for one night.

Jim opened the door and Tom stood there. He was a young man in his mid-twenties and he was nice looking, even though he wasn’t nearly as hot as Phillip. Still, he was sexy and Jim didn’t care about anything else at that moment. He just needed to be with a man who could turn him on. Tom could do that tonight. He could do that any night. He looked at Tom and then said, “Hi, Tom. Come on in.”

As he closed the door, he could see Tom even better. The hot young man was what he needed tonight. Tom had sandy blond hair, green eyes, and a tanned complexion. He had a swimmer’s build and wore a long-sleeved t-shirt and a torn pair of jeans.

“Would you like to sit down for a few minutes, Tom?” Jim asked.

“Sure,” Tom said. We can do that.

It was obvious that Tom had come for one reason and one reason only. This was a hook-up. Jim knew it. He had heard this discussed in the chat room. He vowed never to do one, but tonight he just needed something he had never had. He explained that to Tom and Tom was fine with it.

“So you’ve never done this before?”

“Never,” Jim replied.

“I have quite a few times. There is lots of gay guys in town here you know, and lots of them just want one night of passion only.”

“I have never been with a man,” Jim said as he looked into Tom’s eyes.

“That’s okay. I have been with guys like that before.”

Jim looked nervous, so Tom reached over and held his hand.

“Let’s go to your room and get comfortable, “ Tom said.

Jim and Tom stood up and looked into each other’s eyes. Tom could sense that Jim was afraid. He asked Jim if he wanted to do this, and Jim assured him that he did. Tom made it very clear that this was a one-night thing. There would be no relationship or anything else. He asked Jim once more if that was okay. Jim nodded that it was. Then, together the two walked into the bedroom. By this time, Jim was shaking all over again and desperately wanted to calm down. Tom took him by the hand and pulled him over to the bed. Slowly Tom slid off his shoes and then he motioned for Jim to do the same. Jim’s hands were shaking, so Tom told him, “Just lay back and I will help you with this. I want you to relax and not be afraid. This will be okay.”

Jim so wanted to believe that. All kinds of thoughts floated through his mind, but he blocked as many as he could. Even though he was nervous and afraid, he could not bare to be alone tonight. He needed this. He would go ahead with it and let Tom work his magic. In just a few moments, Tom had Jim’s shoes, socks and pants off. Jim unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it aside. There he lay on his bed in only his boxer briefs-tight red ones at that. Jim was a great looking guy. He worked out as much as he could, mostly as a stress reliever and much of the time to watch the hot guys in the gym. His chest was well toned and he had the beginnings of a six-pack. Tom ran his fingers gently across Jim’s chest. Then Tom began to remove his shirt and pants. Surprisingly, Tom was not wearing any underwear. As he slid down his jeans Jim could see his hard cock swaying back and forth. He had a hairy crotch and a wonderful V-shaped stomach that led down into the crotch. He too had a nice chest and a wonderful set of abs. Jim shook even more now.

“Are you okay, Jim?” Tom asked.

“Yeah, just a little nervous,” Jim replied.

Tom bent over and started kissing Jim’s stomach and then ran his tongue along the waistline of Jim’s boxers. Tom noticed that Jim was as hard as a rock. Then Tom began rubbing his cock on Jim’s leg. Slowly Jim began to rub the top of his leg up and down Tom’s hard cock. He heard Tom begin to moan. Tom then took his teeth and started pulling at the waistband of Jim’s boxers. After a few moments he had them down and then took his hands and pulled them off. Jim’s package was revealed. He too had a hairy groin and a hard eight-inch cock with a beautiful set of balls. By this time Jim was moaning from the intense hand rub his stomach and chest was getting from Tom’s hand. Then, Tom slowly moved up to Jim’s face and began to passionately kiss him. Jim had never kissed a guy before. The taste of Tom’s tongue was awesome. He could only imagine what Tom’s cock would taste like. Then, Tom moved back toward Jim’s cock. He slowly took it in his mouth while looking back into Jim’s eyes. He began to work his tongue up and down the head of Jim’s hard cock. After a few moments, Tom moved to Jim’s balls where he began sucking. At this point, Jim was in ecstasy and was breathing very hard and deeply. He would call out, “Oh man, this is awesome. Don’t stop.”

After a few minutes, Tom looked into Jim’s eyes and then straddled him. Jim reached up and kissed Tom deeply. Then, with him needs and desires taking control of him, he tossed Tom on his back and began licking his way down Tom’s hot chest. His nervousness had left him. His hands were no longer shaking. He knew what he wanted to do and he was doing it. Right now, there were no thoughts of guilt, no thoughts of shame. There were only two naked, hot men lying in his bed ready to work each other into fits of passion and ecstasy. Jim focused on that. He slowly moved down to Tom’s cock and took it in his mouth. “Oh my God,” Jim thought as he took it in his mouth. The smell of Tom’s crotch was almost enough to drive him into an orgasm, but he never thought that he would get so close just by tasting Tom’s cock. He took him into his mouth and slid his tongue up and down Tom’s hard cock. Soon he was moving faster and faster and found himself massaging Tom’s balls. Tom groaned and moaned in ecstasy and grabbed the back of Jim’s head. It was more awesome as he had ever thought it would be. Jim could not believe how much he loved sucking Tom’s cock. After a few moments, Tom pulled Jim on top of him and the two allowed their bodies to grind into one another.

Jim loved this. He could smell the scent of this hot man all over him and all over the room. He grabbed Tom’s ass as he pushed his cock harder and harder into Tom’s. Then, all of sudden, he felt himself begin to climax. Tom quickly threw Jim on his back so he could see him come and put his hands into the warm spunk as it exited his body. Jim came for what seemed like forever. This was the most awesome feeling he had ever experienced. Never did he think a man could bring this out of him like Tom had. But he had. Then, as he lay there reeling from his moments of ecstasy, Tom lay down beside him and began to stroke his own cock. Then, as he stroked himself rapidly, he shot his come all over his chest. Jim rubbed it all over Tom’s chest with his hands. It was warm to the touch at first, but then turned cold. It was awesome. Jim was in heaven, or it seemed like that for the moment.

After the two of them lay there for a few moments, Tom rolled over and got off the bed. He began to pull on his jeans and then put on his socks and shirt. He was getting fully dressed. Jim still lay there somewhere in another world. As he glanced over at Tom, he was surprised that Tom was getting dressed. He appeared to be getting ready to leave.

“Are you going home?” Jim asked.

“Yeah, I better be going soon.”

“You sure you won’t stay and spend the night? We can cuddle.”

“No, I better head off.”

Then Tom looked over at Jim with half a smile and said, “Remember, we said this was a one time thing.”

Jim felt awful at that moment. The full realization of what had happened had suddenly hit him. He felt his heart in his throat. He got up and cleaned himself up and put on his shorts. He decided to walk Tom to the door.

“Thanks for a great time, man,” Tom said as he approached the front door.

“Would you like to call me some time later this week?” Jim asked.

Tom gave him a half-cocked smile and half-heartedly replied, “Well, I may do that if I get a chance. You take it easy the rest of the night and get some sleep, Jim” Tom responded.

Jim knew what was going on. He had heard about these kinds of moments, and realized that this was exactly what he had always said he would never participate in- a shallow night of sex with no emotions attached. Tom waved and walked down the front walkway to his car. Jim was still standing in the doorway in a daze as Tom pulled off. The taillights of his car finally were out of sight down the quiet midtown side street.

Jim slowly closed the door and locked it. He felt awful. He felt even more alone now than he had before he called Tom. He remembered his mom’s picture in the drawer of the coffee table. He didn’t have the guts to take it out tonight. He felt too ashamed. He slowly walked into his bedroom and as he moved over to the bed, he passed the certificates of ordination on the wall and his college and seminary diplomas. There were certificates of appreciation from his church hanging there too. “Oh, God,” he thought. Why did I do this? He was so hollow inside. Tears began to well up in his eyes. His nose began to feel clogged and he knew he was about to lose it. Then, in a rush all the insecurities, frustrations, and penned up emotions of the past broke through in his mind. He began weeping profusely. He reached over and pulled a pillow over his chest. He wanted to feel something soft, but this was not enough to calm him. He had done something tonight he was ashamed of-hooked up with a stranger whose last name he didn’t even know. Oh God how hollow and useless he felt. As he cried he thought of his love for Phillip. Oh how he wished he were there with him to comfort him. Jim would have loved for his first time to have been with Phillip, or at least a guy like him that he was in love with, but not some shallow stranger whose only merit was that he was good in bed. He could not undo this. How could he face his mother, Phillip, the church? Suddenly from within, he felt a pain that moved its way into his throat. It manifested itself in the form of a scream. Jim rolled off the bed and hit the floor in a kneeling position and yelled and cried out loud. He asked over and over, “Why God? Why is this my lot in life? Take this please. Take it all away!!!” He curled up in a fetal position on the floor still crying and thinking of how easy it was to call Tom and get him over there and pretend that he was okay with a night of hollow sex. His first time was supposed to be filled with love and passion. This was not how he wanted it to be. He wasn’t even sure if Tom felt any remorse or felt sorry for him at all. Whatever Tom felt seemed so easily disposed of after it was all over. He was in a dark place now, a place he didn’t want to be in ever again. He wanted love, understanding, a man he could share himself with-not this.

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Jeff is a 31 year old english teacher from America's South with a particular interest in horror movies. His background in journalism and literature provides a solid foundation for his writing which we love so much on Superdrewby. Jeff enjoys writing, reading, movies, long walks on the beach at sunset (* sorry I made that up).

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