Relationships are for other people. Not me. Some just really need another person to hold their hand or tell them they’re beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being in love, just sometimes it can take away who you are. I used to be in “L” once. I guess I now try to avoid it ‘cause I got burned. I let myself fall head over heals for someone, and then he took it all back and insulted my vulnerability. I was more ashamed than I was really hurt. I was bound and determined to never let it happen again.
This year had been one crazy party and tonight was no exception. We arrived at the second floor apartment a little after 9 o’clock. The music was pumpin’ on the other side of the door. Kat and I had done a few shots before we came to the party so we were feeling really happy.Kat and I hadn’t really gotten close till senior year started. We instantly found ourselves enthralled in each others’ lives. We had two classes together in school and one release period. However, we spent most of our time checking out the hotties and laughing our asses off at the stupidest comments.
Damn, she looked good tonight. Her tight little ass was crunched into some black stretch pants. Half of her hair was pulled up into a light blue clip, and she had sparkle eye shadow on. If I wasn’t swinging the other way, I’d have had her cute little butt into my bed long ago.
I was dressed to kill, if I do say so myself! I had on some sexy Hudson Khakis from the GAP with a little-bit-too-tight silk, ribbed shirt on. I’m not sure who I was trying to impress. I always ended up pushing away possible relationships, and one night stands had begun to bore me.When we walked in, everyone turned to look. A few friends called out our names, and we immediately mixed in with the crowd of people. My friend Ana slapped my ass from behind. I turned to face her, and we started grinding to “Jumpin’ Jumpin’” by Destiny’s Child. Her energy level was higher than usual tonight. Ana was probably the most active person I knew.
She’d start her day with a modest 3-mile jog before going to school. And after school, she had cheerleading practice and vocal rehearsals most everyday. To top it all off, she was always the life of the party. A lot of guys wouldn’t even take her on when it came to drinking contests. Where she got the stamina, no one really knew.
Kat grabbed my wrist, “It’s time to get some jungle juice. You can dance later!”
Wow! The last time I had Jungle Juice.....well, I don’t really remember. That stuff can take ya for a run. We headed for the goods. I grabbed some styrofoam cups off the kitchen counter. Kat served us both some red jungle juice out of a bucket/makeshift punch bowl. She spilled the drink all over my hand as I held the cups. After she finished I made her lick the juice off my hands provocatively.
Kat and I had developed a very sexual friendship. We were always touchy-feely and commented on anything remotely phallic or intimate. There were phony rumors going around school that she’d turned me straight and that we fucked at least every other day after school. Dammit, when will people focus on their own damn lives instead of snoopin’ on others?
“I’m gonna go see who’s in the basement.” I winked at her. She knew that I needed to find some cute guys to talk to.
“Alright. I need to keep dancing.” She puffed up her chest and shook her ass as she danced away from me. I giggled to myself.
In the basement, there was an old pool table in the center of the room. A lot of guys were standing around watching Adam and Brent finish a game of 9-ball. There was a lot of cheering and swearing. Too much competitive testosterone for me. I decided to spectate from a safe distance.I sat myself down on the torn sofa that was back in a dark corner of the room. There was a T.V. on the floor next to it, and someone had sat a black light on top of it. The light really showed how much second-hand smoke was floating around that room. It was like driving early in the morning, and the fog is so dense you can barely see the center line. I could hear a voice in my head telling me to save my vocal chords and abandon this tobacco hell.
I relaxed. I was here to enjoy myself. The shots I’d done earlier with Kat were starting to wear off. So I downed just about half of my cup of jungle juice. I was about to swallow the other half when someone landed in my lap. I just about spit the juice all over her face, but somehow I kept it in. I guess I didn’t want to take the chance of staining my new shirt.
The girl went to our school, but I didn’t know her name. She started laughing and apologized. (Guess someone’s had a bit too much to drink.) Her friends’ grabbed her arms and pulled her up. She stood in front of me for awhile. Her jean skirt was folded up in the back, and she had alcohol stains on an ugly pink tube top. She invited me to come dance with them. I declined, I figured that her little stunt was just enough for me.
Brent ended up barely beating Adam in their game of pool. Some guys exchanged money; they must’ve bet on who would win. The crowd split up, and people spread out around the basement. A few guys decided to start dancing with the girl that fell on my legs and her friends. And some others, headed upstairs for more jungle juice.
I was just about to head over to see how Eric was doing when somebody grabbed my left shoulder.
“Hey, sup Brian?”
“Oh hey.....I didn’t know you were here?” I couldn’t believe I’d missed seeing him when I came in. I sat by Jamison in one of my classes. He was a year younger than me but we got along really well.
“Yeah, I came in with Adam and a few other guys. “ His voice was soft and sexy. He looked great tonight. I loved how he wore his baggy Hilfiger’s just below his ass. I checked him out and then looked him in the eye. I fell in love with those gorgeous green eyes the first day they looked into mine.
“Have a seat.” I slid over so he could sit down next to me. The couch was small, so when he sat down our sides were completely touching. I leaned forward onto my knees so that I could hear him over the loud music upstairs.
“So, you got some juice from the kitchen, huh?”
“Yeah...I can never pass it up.” We laughed and joked around a little bit more.
“I’m just about out,” I said, “you wanna go up with me and get some more?” “Cool.”
We worked our way through the clusters of dancers until we reached the stairs. I let him go first so I could get a view of him from behind. He was looking good tonight. He wore that dark red shirt that I went crazy over in school. It really accentuated his muscle’s.
When we got upstairs, the kitchen was crowded. A lot more people had come in since I’d been downstairs. Everyone was bumping into each other. I was starting to get annoyed and Jamison had a similar look on his face. We quickly filled up our glasses and headed towards the front living room.I stopped by Kat as we went into the living room. They were still dancing and I joined them for a few minutes. Kat winked and nodded Jamison’s direction. She acted like I was up to something, but him being there was just as surprising to me as it was to her.
“Looks like someone’s waitin’ for ya’?”
“Guess so. I didn’t expect to see him here.”
“Well, don’t keep him waiting....or he won’t be here much longer.”
Kat shooed me away. Jamison had found a spot on the couch across the room and was talking with some cute girl from his grade I didn’t know. I immediately thought that he was hitting on her or something, and I’d be intruding if I went back over to him. However, I wasn’t anywhere near done talking with him, so I mingled my way over.
“How’s the jungle juice?” I asked
“Oh sorry Brian. Here, you can have my seat.” Right on cue! That little princess marched herself into the kitchen, not to be seen.
Jamison started telling me a story about the night before. Him and a group of guys were off in the next town creating some sort of havoc. I wasn’t paying that close of attention. The music was already loud, so I let it completely drown him out. I watched his face intently. Our eyes danced around each others’ over and over again. He started to blush. I think he’d started to realize that I was watching him more than I was listening to him.
He smiled one of the biggest smiles I’d ever seen him smile. I couldn’t help but smile back into those gorgeous eyes. I’ve always had a thing for sexy mouths and his was on the top of my list. I would do anything to see him smile. His lips were full, and his teeth fell perfectly into place. I wondered what it would be like to run my hand along his soft cheeks. God, they were so tempting. He had a baby face that made me weak. We sat smiling longer than normal. We were in a trance, and I didn’t want it to ever stop.
“It’s gettin’ kinda hot in here.” He started fanning himself with his shirt. I could see his skin just starting to get moist. I was feeling fine but I didn’t know what he was getting at, so I agreed.
“Yeah, it’s probably ‘cause of all the people in here,” I said.
“You wanna go outside for a minute?” He stood up and stretched a little bit.
“Sounds good.” I followed him as he headed for the front door.
“You two aren’t leaving yet, are you?” Ana grabbed a hold of my shoulder to catch my attention.
“We’re just going outside to cool off,” I said.
I stepped outside, and Jamison was standing on the edge of the porch. His hands were shoved in his pockets as he glanced around the yard. There were a couple people out near the sidewalk making a lot of noise. He turned around as I closed the screen door. I looked up, and our eyes met again. We smiled.
“Wow it feels a lot nicer out here,” I broke the silence.
“...yeah..” Jamison seemed lost in thought. I wondered what was going on inside that lovely mind. He stared up at the stars.
The couple down by the sidewalk began to laugh really loud. We both looked as they began chasing each other around the yard. I could tell that Jamison was getting annoyed. He turned his head toward me.“I think I left my squares in my car,” he said.
“I didn’t know you smoked?”
“Well I really don’t anymore. But when I drink I get in the mood for one or two.” He took a step down and turned back to me. “Come with me to my car.”
As we strolled away from the party and the boisterous couple, the air became still. The faint sound of cars could be heard in the distance. I thought the party was really loud when we were inside, but you could barely hear the music from the street. Most of the houses on the block had their lights out already. We walked together through the grass near the street. I followed Jamison as he crossed the street to get to his car.
He opened the driver’s side door and bent inside. I stood near him holding onto the door frame. I looked back towards the party to see if anyone else had come out too. There was no one. All I saw was the screen door closing as the loud couple went back inside.
“I think they’re in the glove box,” he mumbled.
I was starting to feel the chilly air through my thin shirt. I leaned into the door as he fumble around and started to stand back up. He faced me. I turned my head away from the night’s darkness and gazed at him. He paused. I could hear his quiet breath. My heart began to beat faster, and our bodies grew close to one another. His eyes were wide opened and his face was almost frantic.
“Guess I forgot ‘em at home.”
I continued to gaze at him. He slowly got a serious expression. His eyes became nervous but he didn’t move. I thought about turning away, but my torso wouldn’t move. I was starring too long. The moment had to end. But I was paralyzed.
He spoke with a low tone and he hesitated. I blinked my eyes. As I opened them back up, he began to lean towards me. Our eyes closed together, and I felt his sweet, hot breath on my cheek. A shutter rushed through my body. I leaned myself into him, and our lips met. His lips were moist and soft, like supple fruit that was at the peak of its ripeness.
Jamison gently pulled his lips away from mine. His eyes searched my face to see if he’d just done something terrible. We stared deep into one another. No longer was there any fear or hesitation. He calmed, and his eyes started to twinkle. I gasped for air not realizing that I’d been holding my breath. I smiled a tiny smirk at him. Reaching for him, I grasped his left bicep with my right hand. His eyelids closed, and he kissed me again.
He did not hold back. He passionately kissed me over and over. His arms wrapped around my waist, and he held me gently. I moved my arm from his bicep up to his shoulder. Oue bodies pressed into one another. My mouth opened slowly, and I let his tongue slip inside. He was so careful and gentle. It was like he was maneuvering around something very fragile and didn’t want to hurt it. He explored every crevice of my mouth with intense breathing. His lips were energetic and playful.
I continued to sample his sweetness. I touched his left cheek with my other hand and held his chin. I pulled away and stared at his lips. They were wet and glistened in the moonlight. I let go of his chin. My left hand trail down his neck. My hand glided over the toned muscles in his chest, and I stroked his abdomen. His head fell back and he inhaled deeply, as he gazed up at the stars.
I pushed my left hand around his side and laid it on the small of his back. With both arms, I pulled his body into mine and hugged him. My arm went over his shoulder because he was a tiny bit shorter than I was. He wrapped himself around my body and he embraced me securely. I felt contentment in his arms. Fear and anxiety were far from my conciousness.
My head felt heavy, and I let it rest on his shoulder. My heart rate started to lessen. I took in deep breaths of his cologne. My face basked in the tenderness of the moment. Our bodies were floating together. I couldn’t feel my feet any longer. His hold on my back weakened and his arms fell resting on my hips. I could hear his soft breathing against my neck.
“I don’t wanna go back to that party anymore,” he whispered.
“Me either.” I desired nothing more but to hold him and listen to his beating heart. Emotion engulfed me and I fought to remain in his presence.
“There’s a park ‘bout a block from here.”
My lips sweetly plucked his cheek, and for the first time, in what had seemed like an hour, we unfroze. The car door slammed and we moved out into the street. I headed towards the vacant park. He grabbed my hand to slow me down. Silently we walked hand in hand. Neither of us had expected such romance. Fireworks went off inside of my chest.
The park was completely still, except for the wind blowing through the trees and the occasional ground squirrel playing in fallen leaves. We found a bench near the children’s playground where we could sit and talk. I folded my right leg underneath me and faced him. My arm rested on the back of the bench, and I laid my hand on his shoulder.
I’d waited an eternity to simply show him my affection. In the past, I had tried not to let my emotions get the best of me, but our kiss made me realize that I’d lost control. I had just been denying that my heart was falling for him. I was so glad that I could finally let him know my hidden anguish.
Thoughts raced through my mind, but I was at a loss of where to begin. We sat quietly and listened to the night. My hand soothed his hairline. His hair was so soft it, reminded me of a child’s. My fingers’ must have tickled him because he got goose bumps. He turned his head over and smiled at me. His eyes were happy and content.
Jamison was so different from the typical guy I’d been interested in before. He was more of a tough guy, or at least that was the persona he let out. He talked quietly and was kind of shy. But I could see a tenderness inside him. There was something that caught my attention, but I couldn’t tell exactly what it was.
“I didn’t mean to surprise you at my car, “ he said.
“Don’t worry about it. Couldn’t you tell I enjoyed the surprise a lot?”
“Well... I’ve never done anything like that ever in my life. It just felt right.”
“So, does it still feel right?” I asked.
“Yeah. And now I feel free to tell you what I was so scared to tell you before.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Umm....well...I’m not sure how to say it,” he paused. “I want to be more than your friend. And none of my thought’s about you feel strange like they should.”
“You shouldn’t have to feel any certain way. However, I understand. I want it too.”
I grabbed hold of his hand. He could trust me. I would be patient with his insecurities. I mean, I wasn’t a pro or anything. This whole lifestyle was a pretty new thing for me. I’ve only been okay with my sexuality for about 2 years and have had a few select boyfriends thus far.
“I’m kinda scared,” he said.
“Well, what if my friends’ find out? I don’t know what’ll happen.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “This is something between me and you. And it can stay that way. But I don’t wanna think about that now.”
“Oh sorry,” he said.
“Oh no, it’s okay. I just don’t want to think about anything right now. I just wanna be here, with you next to me.”
We shared a small kiss, and he turned so that his back was reclining over to the side of the bench. He bent his left leg and put it up on the bench seat.
“I just wanna hold you in my arms,” he said.
I moved my legs and turned my body. I scooted my butt so that I was sitting in-between his legs. He wrapped his arm around my torso and gently laid me back into his body. I totally relaxed and let myself melt into him. My head rested on his collar bone and he pressed his cheek against the side of my head. I could feel his gentle breath tickle the back of my ear. I couldn’t have been more content in my whole life. We sat and enjoyed the night’s silence together. The air was cold, but our closeness kept us warm. I closed my eyes and let the constant beating of his heart put me into a trance.