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so this is love


She stood on the balcony beneath the snow. She’d been standing there since it had started and white, fluffy flakes drifted up to her ankles. She was wearing that burgundy sweater I’d given her, a plaid pleated skirt and black woolen nylons. Her tear-filled honey eyes stared out at the forest surrounding our cottage and then past that, to the slowly freezing lake surrounding the forested island; the auburn hair that I longed to run my hands through blew in the soft, gentle breeze that blew around her and froze tears to her lashes.

She turned suddenly and stared at me, pulling her arms to her abdomen as she did so. She walked in from the cold and shut the glass doors. She pulled the velvet hangings shut and lit the candles around the room. She did all of this silently.

I sat up from the couch and held my arms out to her. It seemed strange to me, offering comfort to her when she’d always been the one to give it to me. But she walked over to me and snuggled into my side after she’d stoked the fire. She wanted the comfort, the familiar embrace, as much as I wanted to give it to her.

“She’s gone,” she whispered, burying her face in my neck. “And I never even told her about me, about us.”

“Its okay,” I soothed. I pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and tightened my grip on her. “She would have accepted it. Your mom would have loved you no matter what you chose. You know that.”

She sniffled and went silent for a moment. Then she rested her hand on my stomach and pressed a soft kiss to that sensitive patch of skin just below my ear. I shivered happily. “Bee,” I protested, although it didn’t do much good. “Sex isn’t the answer for everything.”

She swung herself so that she was straddling me and began playing with the buttons of my blouse. “Alexis, please make me forget,” she begged. “Make me forget what happened to her.”

Bianca leaned close, so that her lips were just inches above mine, and let her hands cup my breasts through the thin satin blouse I was wearing. “Love me,” she whispered. I kissed her, loving the feel of her rough, cracked, icy cold lips against mine. How could I deny her that which she desired? It wasn’t as if I’d ever been able to deny her before.

We sat there for a few moments, simply kissing. Her hands felt wonderful through the satin of my shirt. “Bed,” I whispered softly, pulling away from the kiss. “Bed, Bianca. Now.”

She let out a delicious little whimper as she stood and made her way to the bed on the opposite side of the room. She stripped off as she did so until she was left in nothing but the silken panties I’d bought her for our last midsummer together. I stood and followed her.

I was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a satin long-sleeved blouse, both hastily thrown on once I’d heard my girlfriend of three years approaching the cottage we’d shared during our girlhoods. I’d been waiting for her, curled into a bed made for two. I had been taking a huge chance in going to the hidden cabin to wait for her, with winter so perilously close, but I knew that it would be the only chance I’d have to see her before she left forever.

I hadn’t seen her since her mother’s funeral over two weeks ago. I’d been living in our shared cottage since then, waiting for her. She was the light of my eyes. I wanted to comfort her then, at the funeral, but her father had forbidden me from even looking at her. I retreated to the cabin to wait for her, if she even deigned to favor me with one last look upon her angelic, radiant face.

“Ally? Alexis?” Her lyrical voice pulled me from my thoughts and I looked at her, spread out, waiting for me. There were tears on her cheeks, fresh ones, and she looked very vulnerable. I’d never seen her in such a state. She sniffled and nibbled her bottom lip. “Its so cold, Alexis . I’ve been so cold without you.”

I unbuttoned my shirt and let it drop to the floor before joining her on the bed. I laid myself between her spread legs and supported my weight on my hands, one on each side of her head. “Alexis?” Her voice broke.

“Hush, now,” I murmured. I leaned down and licked the tears from her cheeks, causing her to whimper again. “I’ll make you warm again, Bianca, meus angelus . . . ”

I slipped easily into the role of the gracious lover as I began kissing a soft trail from her lips to her breasts. I felt her hands in my short brown hair as she urged me along. “No teasing,” she begged, although she knew I wouldn’t listen. I sucked hard on one of her sensitive nipples and her protests turned into low, guttural moans of absolute bliss.

“I am the only one you will ever want this from,” I growled as I *bit* that sensitive patch of skin just below her ear, sliding back up her body to tease her further. She cried out loud as I soothed the shallow wound I’d made with my tongue, licking the blood away.

“O-only yours,” she moaned. “Never from anyone else. Only yours, Ally!”

I viciously ripped the silk panties away from her hips and she gasped at the force. “I am the only girl who can ever love you with the passion you crave,” I continued as I rubbed my thumb against her clit. She moaned and I smirked. “I am the only one who will ever love you. Period.”

I slipped two slender fingers inside her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and arched up, trying to find more friction. I kissed her firmly as I began fucking her with my fingers. She was wet already, dripping with her lust for my ministrations. I gasped into her mouth as her sinful fingers somehow found the button on my jeans and popped them open.

“Mm, naughty girl,” I purred, adding a third finger and shoving in harder. She gasped and mewled in the most appealing way and I smirked down at her. As I thrust my fingers in and out of her dripping hole, I stroked her clit with my thumb. Bianca’s cheeks became flushed and more tears dripped from beneath closed lids. I leaned down and kissed her softly.

“Come for me,” I whispered. “Lose yourself in your pleasure.”

She shuddered and gasped and then she cried out loud, “Goddess! Yesss!”

Her slender form went limp in my arms. I gently pulled my hand away from her and licked her juices from my fingers. I kissed her gently before wiping away her tears. “Sleep now, darling,” I murmured. I stood from our bed and covered my Bianca in a warm, soft black blanket. She curled up in a little ball.

“I don’t regret any of this,” Bianca whispered. I pulled my shirt on and re-buttoned my pants. Before I left the room to go downstairs I turned and smiled at her.

“Its alright, beloved,” I replied, my voice filled with sadness. “Get some rest. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

“Will you sing to me?” she asked, sounding so weak and kittenish that my already torn heart nearly shattered just to hear her. “Please, Alexis?”

I returned to her side and sat down next to her on the bed. I stroked her auburn hair gently. “Every night in my dreams,” I sang softly; it was her favorite song, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from Titanic. “I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you. Go on . . . ”

Bianca’s eyes fluttered closed and her breathing evened out. “Far across the distance, and spaces between us. You have come to show you . . . go on . . . ” I stopped singing, letting my last note fade away as the winds started really howling around our cabin. I stood and went to the fireplace, stoking the flames up harsh and hot to make sure she stayed warm, and then I disappeared down the stairs.

Morning found me with a hot cup of coffee in my hands as I stared out the kitchen window at the forest. I couldn’t see any lake beyond the expanse of white, green and brown stretching before me. She wrapped her arms around my waist from behind and rested her head on my shoulder.

“I thought you’d gone,” she whispered. I rubbed her arm gently and then twined my fingers with hers.

“I will never leave you,” I replied in kind. I took a sip of my coffee and absently realized that she’d dressed in my clothes before coming down.

“I don’t regret any of it,” Bianca repeated firmly. “None of it. I love you with all my heart and I will never, ever want what we have with anyone else.”

“But you hate it.” She tensed and tightened her arms around me when I said that. “You do. I know you do.”

Bianca was silent so I continued. “We have been together for three years and not once have you ever introduced me as your girlfriend to your friends, or to your parents. And the only reason your brother knows is because he walked in on us. You don’t regret being with me, you don’t regret loving me, but you hate it because in the eyes of your parents, it is a weakness that you cannot bear to have.”

A single tear rolled down my cheek but I didn’t dare look away from the forest or else I’d leave and never look back. Bianca buried her face in my neck. “I am so sorry,” she whispered. “I’ve tried. Goddess only knows I’ve tried, Alexis. But Mom and Dad are so convinced that this – being gay, loving another woman – is wrong and I don’t know how to make them think otherwise.”

She started sobbing. I set my coffee down on the counter and turned around, gathering her in my arms. She curled into me reflexively and buried her face in my neck. I closed my eyes and let her take comfort from me.

“I love you, meus angelus,” I whispered. “You will always be my angel.”

Slowly, Bianca’s sobbing stopped and she started playing with the buttons of my blouse again. “Alexis, why don’t you ever talk about your family?” she asked.

“Because they outcasted me,” I replied frankly. I held her tighter as I remembered things I’d much rather have forgotten. “I came out to them when I was thirteen and they kicked me out. I haven’t seen or talked to them since.”

Bianca’s grip on me tightened. I took a deep breath to keep my tears at bay. “I ended up here,” I continued. “And I stayed here, in this very cabin for a full two months before I got up the courage to leave and find my real place.”

“Then why did you come back?” she asked.

“Because I had no choice,” I said. “Every time I saw somebody with auburn hair, I saw you. Every day I went to work at that damnable newspaper, I saw the letters you wrote me tucked into a discreet corner of my cubicle. I never forgot that day I rescued your hat from the muck and you brought me out here, the day I knew that I liked girls.”

I was baring my soul, the one thing I’d never done before. She ran her hands up and down my back and silently encouraged me to continue. “But I didn’t like just any girls, Bianca,” I admitted, shame burning my cheeks red. “I’ve kissed other girls, I’ve touched other girls, but none of them bring out the same passion in me that you do, Bee. I came back because I knew that I would never be happy unless I was with you.”

There was silence for a long time. A very, very long time. Suddenly, she went up on tiptoe and kissed me. She’d put on that vanilla lip balm I loved. It was soft and gentle and chaste, but it conveyed every feeling she felt for me and in that kiss, I knew. She pulled away and looked down.

“I love you,” she whispered. “How can I not? You are the smartest, most beautiful woman in the world and you left your life in New York to come back to Thompson just because you loved me, too.”

“I still love you,” I corrected gently. “But I refuse to be your dirty little secret. It hurts, Bee.”

“I don’t want you to be a secret,” she said. “I don’t want to have to hide this anymore. I want everyone to know about us, about the love I feel for you! But I’m afraid. I’m so afraid, Alexis.”

I tilted her head up and stared into her eyes. “Don’t be afraid. I have you and I will never let anything bad happen to you.”

“I love you, Alexis.”

“And I you, my angel.”

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