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sometimes blue
DrewI am a thirty something married gay boy living in Sydney, almost on top of the gay scene but not in it! Why Sometimes blue?, because I love blue, but also I am sometimes blue :)
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Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's nice to be home

After four days away with friends down the coast I am happy to be home, but have that slight sadness and melancholy that the holiday is over.

As much fun as it was being away in an amazing house on the coast down the south coast with good friends I am reminded that I am a bit of a loner.

I missed the puppy probably more than I should :) Maybe I am a bit co-dependent with the beagle, and I know she just loves being at day care as she gets to play non stop with other dogs all day and night.

But I do miss her when she is not around and I think I would have preferred a holiday place that the puppy could have come with us.

As much as I love my friends and love having people around I am simply not used to it. The friends from the UK were with us again from Friday week ago and only left the afternoon we went for our mini break.

It was lovely seeing them and catching up with them but I am so used to just the boy and I in the apartment that it was a rude shock having more people in the apartment all the time. Couple that with stress at work and it took me quite a while to find my inner relaxation.

Truth be told I am feeling quite stressed, old and haggard at the moment. Work is taking it's toll on me this year and I feel that I am being pulled in a thousand different directions without a clear end in sight. We have been winning new work left right and center for the last month which is both good and bad, good because it means business is good, but bad because I am taking on even more of a workload.

I am at a bit of a crossroad with work, I want to get to the next stage in the evolution of the business but to get there requires a huge jump and a significant amount of work not just on the client projects but on getting things much more streamlined.

The goal is to get rid of the things that take my time that can be done by others or can be automated.

But to do that I need to focus and concentrate on documenting and automating stuff so other people can do it, but couple that with how much client work needs to be done and it seems a bit like trying to climb mount everest.

Then there is the old bug bear of my smoking.

Ah yes I hear the boy say.

I have made a promise to myself that I will stop, quit, become a non smoker and never have another one again.

It's far easier to type it than it is to do it.

I put it off at the beginning of the year because of the new years party season and didn't want the stress of quitting then.

I put it off in February because Mardi Gras and the rest of the party season and am now faced with D Day, I have no more excuses and I have no more parties, events etc that are standing in my way.

The funny thing is I hate smoking, I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate the smell, I hate the taste.

I especially hate the self loathing that I feel when I do smoke.

I seriously cannot think of one thing I like about it, not one.

So why do I continue to smoke?


Fear of being anxious and the anxiety of quitting.

But from past experience of stopping I know that in my mind if I tell myself that I will not smoke and remind myself of all the things I am gaining from getting rid of the evil weed I can be much less anxious and in fact reduce it down to nothing more than a couple of days of stress and anxiety (oh and the personality of vile bitch).

I think psychologically I have been preparing for this for a while, I have been smoking like a chimney, so many cigarettes even when I don't actually want one it's been ridiculous.

Anyway I am going to end this and have a smoke and work out my state of mind for D Day.


At Sun Mar 14, 10:10:00 PM EST, Blogger Volacious said...

You know what I hate? It's when I am trying to quit smoking and some self-righteous ex-smoker pipes up and gives advice for what works for "him". Damn they're annoying!

I found this from two years ago. I even commented on it! You made one year then - do you remember how you felt at that point? Were you that anxious?

You gave me the tools to do it (although I admit I was a cheap bastard and didn't pay for the course) - I've still got a copy of the book if it'll help?

**big hugs** my friend.

At Mon Mar 15, 12:06:00 PM EST, Blogger Superdrewby said...

yes well.....

it's knowing that I will be anxious for a week or so in the first couple days of internal argument LOL
Thanks for the support

I know I can do - I just ahve to do it lol


At Mon Mar 15, 01:45:00 PM EST, Blogger wally said...

As I clicked on the comments bar, I thought Nope, not going to give ya any advise on how to kick the smokes!all I can say is from me the old fellar here, keep positive with it all Drew and I am sure you will succeed.Hey look in the mirror again I am sure you don't look that haggard and tired Handsome.

At Tue Mar 23, 05:36:00 AM EST, Anonymous BosGuy said...

I suppose I'll commit the ultimate faux pas and let you know that my partner who quit / restarted / quit more times than I can count found that a drug called Chantix (here in the states) worked for him. Not sure it is a panacea, but if it helps you then so much the better. If you find the suggestion not helpful - no worries there.

At Tue Mar 23, 10:04:00 AM EST, Blogger Superdrewby said...

Hi Bos

I tried some of those years ago and all tehy did was made me spaced out, nah the only way to do it is to go cold turkey, I know that

I just have to pull my finger out


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