Shedding people

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Screen Shot 2012-01-10 at 1.13.18 PM.pngAs I get older I have become less and less tolerant.

Or as the boy likes to call me I’m a grumpy old man LOL!

One of the most obvious examples of this is the shedding of people who through the circumstance you were in you thought of them as “friends”.

I used to have hundreds of “friends”,, people who I could go out clubbing with, spend lazy afternoons drinking and eating or weekend long recovery parties.

But now in my 40’s I have a very small group of FRIENDS, and only truly a couple who are in the inner circle.

There have been some spectacular falling outs with people in my lifetime none like one dearly departed friend Leon who we had a tumultuous on again and off again friendship spanning two decades.  Unfortunately I never did get to say goodbye to him or reconnect as he passed away very suddenly two years ago this September.

But other with other friends we seem to simply have drifted apart for one reason or another.  Many of the people we used to hang round with in the last decade  and a half have quietly filtered out of our lives as we socialise less in pubs and clubs and no longer throw extravagant parties.

Sure we see each other’s posts and photos on Facebook and there may be the occasional Like or message.  But there is no real interest or sense of urgency to reconnect with these people.

Some people we just grow away from as they pursue their careers or lives in very different pathways, and through the tyranny of distance and circumstance we just don’t connect anymore.

Whilst some seem to be stuck in a time warp of their mid twenties and are intent on doing the same things, the same clubbing, the same drugs and the same disasters week after week after week.

A couple of friends are in the grips of multi-year struggles with drugs and until they hit rock bottom and finally admit they have a problem I can’t be involved with their paranoia, bullshit and lies.

These people I have actively pushed out of my life, I don’t need drama in my life I have enough stress managing a business and getting on with the day to day realities of life.  You can’t own

Some other people I have very painfully extracted from my life, simply put their values and beliefs are so anathema to my views that I have had to cut them off.

The bottom line is as we get older our true friends stay with us,  but acquaintances and hangers on  fall by the wayside.

This doesn’t mean I’m not open to making new friends, it just takes a lot longer to go from someone I’ve met to someone who I call a friend to a member of the friendship inner circle.

18 + 25

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The Good old Albury Hotel circa 2000

The Good old Albury Hotel circa 2000

Today is my 18 +25 Birthday

Or for those of you who cannot count this is my 43rd Birthday.

To think 25 years ago I was in my last year of school coming got terms with the fact I was gay.  A lot has certainly changed since 1990.

I was taking my first real trips out to the gay scene of Oxford Street and openly admitting people that yes I also liked guys.

It was a time that many of the gay men around me from my time performing as a child and then the friends that I was making were sick and dying.  In many ways I lived not just a double life but a multiple life, there was my life at school with friends, which whilst I never denied I was gay I never said I was gay.  There was my life at home where I didn’t really talk about much (I was a teenager).

And then there was my fledgling gay life amongst the gays in the good old Albury Hotel.

I wish I knew now many of the lessons I have learnt along the way, or at least had more courage at 18 than I did to be more myself.

I’m glad that I was a bit naive as a young gay, many of the experiences of the gay world are really only for more mature and older people I think.  I’m also incredibly grateful to all my older gay friends who supported me, listened to my thoughts my worries, fears and loves.  All the while mainly keeping their hilarity at my naivety to themselves.

So many of them from this era are gone from HIV / AIDS, heart attacks, cancer and just plain old accidents and old age.

I’m thankful for the last twenty-five years for everyone that has come and touched my life in all sorts of ways.

Big Dog Little Dog

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Most mornings when I leave for the gym big dog goes back to bed and hunkers down wanting to be left alone to sleep some more.  Little dog on the other hand just wants more freaking food!

Exhausted and my mind is mush from complex work, but I will return soon.


I’m back after a long Hiatus

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After an exceedingly long break over over 3 years I have decided that I need an outlet again to write and talk about my feelings and life.

On and off I have been blogged for almost 15 years now starting way back in 2000 on good old, although now I have bitten the bullet and moved over to Word press although I am still working out the theme for the new blog.

Gove me some time to settle in and set up the blog the way I like and I will start regularly blogging again about all my favourite topics: Health, fitness, work, eye candy, dogs, politics etc!


I’m allot older, wiser, fitter and moire or less saner than I was, but let’s keep the idiosyncratic ramblings going shall we?

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This time a year ago

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A year ago I ended up in hospital after waking up on night in intense agony in my back.

The experience was not pleasant with the incompetence of the medical staff and their blinkered approach to medicine and an inability to look beyond what the doctors wanted to find.

Because of some very weird blood results (elevated white blood cells and elevated  CRP levels) they assumed I had some sort of massive infection and they tried to make the symptoms fit what they thought it was rather than actually looking for a cause of the symptoms.

Through an MRI and multiple CT scan they discovered my right lung was “closed” over although I was not suffering from any major symptoms apart from intense pain and the weird blood results.

Being gay their first thought is always HIV, which was  quickly discounted, then cancer, then pneumonia.

The experience was extremely distressful and I feel for anyone who ever gets sick I really do.

I ended up have a guided bronchoscopy where they found pretty much nothing, no infection and no swelling or inflammation (not that they told me these things).

The Infectious Diseases DR even had the audacity to tell me there was evidence of a major long term infection in my lung, which I was told weeks later was not the case.

But because they were convinced it was some virulent lung infection they wanted me to stay in hospital for a month on IV antibiotics.  They tried to admit me again and when I asked why and what treatment they were going to give me no one knew!

Needless to say there was no way in hell I was going to do that, especially since they couldn’t actually pinpoint what they were treating me for.

I did however end up spending a month with an IV attached but I was at home and work so apart from the pain of carrying that thing around and the central line in my arm threaded all the way into my chest I was ok.

I found the picture of me above looking skinny as all hell – I think after the first hospital stay I was around 63 kgs in weight and very very skinny.

At the end of all the treatment one of the doctors admitted to me that the whole thing had been “a bit of  a storm in a teacup”, and probably should not have been on antibiotics for a month.

They still had no idea what had been wrong with me, and even worse they never actually told me that the CRP inflammation blood results came back normal after three days anyway as did all the rest of the test results.

But they were convinced that they were correct in their diagnosis so they tried to make things fit.

It was a big lesson for me, I felt like shit for a month and a half too, a factor of being told you are sick and having that bloody IV attached to me 24 hours a day.

For all we know there is something weird with my lung, but there was never any infection, cancer or anything else.

My wankerish extended homophobic relatives were convinced I was dying of AIDS and were pestering my sister with their brand of “God Bothering”.

The boy and I joke that “Praise Jebus” I was cured LOL

But the experience did teach me a few other important things.

the number one was that I have to take my body and my health seriously, as an ex smoker it did scare me to think i may have had lung cancer. And looking at that picture I realised I was way to skinny and I need to get back tot he gym properly and put on some real bulk.

My overall fitness level back then was atrocious and it has been this year that I finally did something about it!

Touch wood whatever caused the lung to get inflamed and the pain has not reoccured, although my medical friends tell me it’s likely if there is something like an allergy or a weakness or something else it will happen again.

Personally I think it is related to my acid reflux and it’s not unheard of for stomach acid to leak into the lung and cause pain and inflammation.  Looking back on the experience not once did the Doctors ever ask any questions not related to looking for the infection they expected to find.

But in some ways it was a wake up call for me to get fit and take control of my body which is what I did this year!

I’m going to start posting about my journey of the renewed get healthy and fit process which has been really interesting!

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Where is my mojo?

No not Marcus Mojo the very hot porn star.

I mean my Mojo my drive, my ambition?

I have felt really burnt out the last few months just tired and a bit like I am in a groundhog day.

I go to the gym, I go to work, I come home and I do it again day after day.

One of the challenges of running your own business and employing people is the constant worry about making sure the business can pay for everyone.

I never really worry about this month or next month, I worry about 3 months to 6 months time.

I think I need to find myself a life coach / mentor, but most I know or have dealt with do nothing for me and I don’t think they can help guide me I nee someone really special and successful that I can actually admire.

Gym is going well and I am back again at about 85% strength from my arm injury, I still have to be careful with the arm and there are certain twisting movements which I am avoiding as it sends shooting pain through my arm.  But everything seems to be getting better.

Anyway it’s Friday and I am just back from the gym and I need to pull my finger out and get to the office for another day of groundhog day!

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still sore

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I am still recovering from my ill fated attempt at going back to weights lifting this week and my right arm is now sore from favouring it too much.

It’s silly really!

But I will listen to my body and give it a break.

Today’s hot eye candy is the very scrumptious Harry Stiles from One Direction